A scene for my sitcom I'm not sure about

hi I have written a scene for my sitcom back backing and I was wondering if you guys would tell me what you think as I'm not sure on it , please excuse the grammar and layout also any spelling mistakes.

music playing over the top scenes of the boys getting ready

close up of socks laying on the floor

matt picks up the sock on the left and sniffs it

matt (out loud to himself)
another days wear out of them

matt picks up the right one doesn't sniff it and puts it straight on to which the camera zooms into a horrified look on his face

then to the TV shot dims and then the words the previous night appear on the screen

same shot appears of TV but there is a porno on the screen noises of grunts coming from sean

then noises of crashes

seans voice in background (camera still on porno)
nowhere to put it, oh shit, oh shit

camera then goes to sean picking up sock shot of sock getting chucked back on floor camera pans back to TV shot porno channel gets flicked over words backpacking appear on TV

shot of sean walking in hotel room

shot of matt sitting there with he same face on as he had in early scene

sean chucks over man size tissue

sean
good job I got these, (laughs to himself) don't want to do what I had to do last night when I......

matt turns around disgusted
came in my sock?

sean
how did you know that?

shot of sean looking down shot of matts feet
sean
ohthat's how, could be worse

matt
how could this be worse im covered in millions of potential little seans, who if survived the smell of my sock, let me rephrase that, the smell of one of my only pair of socks, are now swimming around somewhere between my big toe and my ankle, looking for an egg when all there going to find is cheese.

sean
oh well

matt
what do you mean, oh well, give me your socks

sean
no, then what would I wear?

matt
my socks

sean
no, they're covered in cum

matt
covered in your cum sean

sean
mine, yours its still cum

matt
but its all over my feet

sean
well no point us both having my tadpole warriors on are feet, you might as well just keep wearing them besides, ive got good news, remember that place you said was dodgy and I definitely should not go in because I would do something stupid.

matt
yeah, the place we passed last night, the place that looked like the kinda place that does illegal gambling with people about as friendly as the worlds maddest strongest frenchman would be after losing the last sunbed to a german on Normandy beach?

sean
yeah

matt
the place that when we walked by had two of the worlds biggest doormen, kicking the crap into a guy in a wheelchair?

sean
yeah

matt
the place that had a group of hells angles motorbikes outside next to some some scary bikers who when you asked what time it was told you to crawl in a wheeliebin so you can be with all the other aborted babies?

sean
yeahthat's the place

matt
why what've you done?

sean
well this morning I was walking by there and decided to go in, you know, to see what all the fuss was about, and when I was in there, some guy asked me if I played cards and I thought to myself I'm pretty good at snap so I said yes and he asked if I would like to play in a match were I could win 1000's of pounds

matt
oh God

sean
soooooooo to cut a long story short I've entered us into a poker tournament tonight

matt
how much

sean
how much what

matt
how much money did you enter

sean
£600

matt
600 ,600 poundthat's all are money , correction my money theres no way, no way in hell we are playing

sean
we have to

matt
no we dont, we don't have to, they can't make us, they can't make me, they can't ...( looks at sean) you've already given them the 600 haven't you?

sean
yep

matt
bollocks

Didn't they do a similiar scene on "Terry and June" ?

Okay, first off I'd say that spelling and grammar do matter as they tell the reader what you are really saying, so try and take the time to put some effort into this aspect.

Secondly blokes wanking is totally over-used in newbie sitcom writing and producers tend to see it as a cliche.

You do seem to demonstrate an ability for good dialogue, that sounds natural, but without correct spelling and punctuation it's really difficult for anyone reading to understand your writing. If you have real problems in this area get someone else to edit your work for you.

I also didn't get any sense of the real characters of Sean and Matt; they just seemed like any other blokey couple, with one more sensible than the other.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 8 2010, 7:02 PM GMT

Secondly blokes wanking is totally over-used in newbie sitcom writing and producers tend to see it as a cliche.

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It does factor in with commissioners though.

Funnily enough, they don't have a problem with women doing it though.

There were lots of shots of this that and t'other, don't know if they really help tell the story of what's meant to be happening. The subject splatter, sorry I mean matter, means it probably wouldn't go much further than the tissue, sorry I mean page. The dialogue was quite speedy but I think if the rest of the sitcom carries on in such a laddy way it probably wouldn't go much further unless Tim Dawson's run out of ideas for the next series of Coming of Age.

Welcome to the BCG.

Normally I'd agree that a male masturbation gag involving socks is a touch obvious and wouldn't make it onto screens, but there was one in "Rock and Chips" I believe, when the cinema guy got caught doing it, and that was written by "Comedy God" John Sullivan, so who knows what the BBC will show.
I'm presuming this isn't the first scene? No reason why it wouldn't work half way through a script, 'The Inbetweeners' is full of this sort of stuff, and people seem to love that. The scene isn't my cup of tea, but the idea that masturbation is cliched so you shouldn't do it, though correct, seems flawed, because professional writers do it all the time, so why wouldn't amateur ones? It's like nob gags for stand-ups, when novices do them it's tired and cliched yet people like Russel Howard do them all the time.

Quote: Mickeza @ February 8 2010, 7:53 PM GMT

but the idea that masturbation is cliched so you shouldn't do it, though correct, seems flawed, because professional writers do it all the time, so why wouldn't amateur ones? It's like nob gags for stand-ups, when novices do them it's tired and cliched yet people like Russel Howard do them all the time.

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Because the rest of the material is good enough to get away with it?

When you're not an established writer you need to present scripts that give little reason for a reader to say 'no'.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 8 2010, 7:59 PM GMT

Because the rest of the material is good enough to get away with it?

When you're not an established writer you need to present scripts that give little reason for a reader to say 'no'.

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I know, that's why I said this masturbation bit could work in the middle of a script. It shouldn't be written off just because of it's topic matter. Obviously it would need editing, as this does come across as a first draft, but I could definitely see the basic idea of putting on a sock from a previous "session" by mistake being in an episode of something like 'The Inbetweeners', and I'd probably laugh at it too.
In the case of Russel Howard, I don't think the rest of his material hides the nob gags he does, they probably provide his biggest laughs, because that's his demographic, Uni kids who want to laugh at stuff they've thought of before with their mates. Unless he's doing some ironic post modern shtick which is way over my head.

thanks for the feedback guys I'm still pretty unclear about it going in , besides its not part of my first episode pilot anyway. I think I will post the pilot and see what you guys think at a later date

Quote: Mickeza @ February 8 2010, 8:12 PM GMT

I know, that's why I said this masturbation bit could work in the middle of a script. It shouldn't be written off just because of it's topic matter.

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Wasn't it a Mars bar?

Quote: Marc P @ February 8 2010, 10:48 PM GMT

Wasn't it a Mars bar?

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Agree with dolly it's hard to excuse the grammar and layout etc. as it makes it such a chore to read. Also, why do you guys posting bits of sits never put up a title or a two line pitch - you know what the show is about but we don't.

Wanking dialogue unless it was luminously imaginative would switch off most readers I would imagine. Much like references to porn. It just looks like you have no life. The plot with the card game feels very unoriginal although some of your dialogue is promising.

It's 'come' by the way, not 'cum'.