NJ: Twilight Dealers

This 2-page sketch (which I co-wrote) was submitted for Newsjack a few weeks ago, and obviously was not selected. Any feedback gratefully received!
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ANCHORMAN:
A recent rise in children's book sales has been credited to the strong performance of the Twilight series of novels. Although this sounds encouraging for young person's literacy, such optimism fails to recognise that 90% of Twilight readers are, in fact, housewives over the age of 40.

F/X:
SHOP BELL.

SHOPKEEPER:
Hello little girl, how can I help you today?

WOMAN:
(AFFECTING OBVIOUSLY FAKE CHILD'S VOICE) I'd like a copy of New Moon please.

SHOPKEEPER:
No problem, I think we've got one right... (REALISING) hang on, are you kneeling down?

WOMAN:
(CHILDISH VOICE) What? No! I'm clearly an actual 12 year old girl.

SHOPKEEPER:
Oh, yes, that Spice Girls t-shirt is very convincing. Let's see some ID.

WOMAN:
(IN ACTUAL VOICE) Oh, I didn't bring... wait! I mean (cough) (CHILDISH VOICE) I haven't got any. Because I'm only 12.

SHOPKEEPER:
(ANNOYED) Listen, we're not selling any Twilight books to anyone over the age of 15, alright? So just clear off.

ANCHORMAN:
Our undercover reporters, meanwhile, have uncovered a roaring trade in enterprising children passing on illicit copies to the overage.

CHILD:
Right, so, you've got three New Moons, two Breaking Dawns and a hastily-printed Robert Pattinson tie-in biography. That'll be forty-eight quid, plus a tenner "acquisition fee".

ANCHORMAN:
With police moving to crack down on these operations, however, some adults are resorting to simpler measures.

WOMAN:
(ACTUAL VOICE) Please, it's not for me! It's a gift! For someone else's friend!

SHOPKEEPER:
Look, I understand you're in a bad situation and made some unfortunate choices, but you're clearly an intelligent, if slightly desperate individual. Why don't you read something more suited to your own age group?

WOMAN:
What... you mean like Harry Potter?

ANCHORMAN:
For those who have managed to avoid the phenomenon so far, the Twilight books tell the story of a teenage girl's love affair with a life-sucking vampire several times her own age. Despite similar themes, my own children's book, the Further Adventures of Roman Polanski, is still struggling to find a publisher.

Again, first line needs a gag. The gag at the end is great!

However, main issue here is that it's not actually illegal to buy a Twilight book if you're overage, is it? So there's not really any conflict as such. I think you need a different angle into this one; something like copies of the book being surreptitiously passed around like a drug-deal, or hidden in pornography or something.

Doesn't quite hit the mark for me.

Dan

This one made me do genuine LOLs several times. Maybe you fell foul to Newsjack ending up more news-based than zeitgeisty.

Cheers again for the response!

@swerytd: It's interesting that you suggest we liken Twilight more towards drug dealing - that's what we thought we were doing! (well, that, and underage kids buying alcohol) And the opening *did* have a joke in (or, at least, it was intended to!) though it was in the second sentence.

Your advice is spot on, though, re: opening with a joke. At the moment, we've been starting with a sentence that establishes the premise we're working on, then doing the sketch - it's a fair point that we should probably try and make the establishing sentence a joke in its own right as well.

@Badge: Cheers for the vote of confidence! Wasn't entirely sure this one would work, since it was a little outlandish, so glad to see at least one other person liked it!