NJ: Tory Broadband Promise

This 3-page sketch (of which I am co-writer) was submitted for the most recent episode of Newsjack and, obviously, didn't get in. Comments and feedback gratefully received!
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ANCHORMAN:
The Conservative Party has this week announced plans to install "super-fast" broadband across the nation if elected. Earlier, I spoke with the party's head of technological policy, Graham Phillips, about the initiative.

Mr Phillips, you've said that you want to deliver "nationwide super-fast broadband". Can you explain to us what you mean by that?

GRAHAM:
Well, you see, Miles – I'm sure you've heard of these jolly fascinating machines called "computers". And we've learned that there's actually a sort of… international network… or, if you will, an "Internet"… which connects lots of these so-called "computers" together. Using existing telephone lines! Imagine that!

ANCHORMAN:
Right, yes. I think we're all aware of what the Internet is. But it says here that you're planning to introduce high-speed broadband to the majority of British homes over the next five to seven years.

GRAHAM:
Yes, yes! You see, at the moment, in order to connect your computer to the Internet, you have to use a special piece of equipment called a "modem". It's all very modern and cutting edge. Unfortunately, current "modems" are terribly, terribly slow. Here at Conservative HQ, our best computers take three to four hours to send a single message from one to another. It's still quicker than teaching an intern how to use the facsimile, of course – but now we're hearing that some boffin over in America has come up with a way to make modems even faster.

ANCHORMAN:
Right, broadband.

GRAHAM:
Yes, that's the fellow. Instead of having to "dial up" with your "modem", it's actually now possible to have the information travel directly down a "broadband" connection at speeds of up to a hundred bits per second!

ANCHORMAN:
Don't you mean "megabits"?

GRAHAM:
Well, I'm not really one for young persons' terminology, but I suppose the bits are pretty super, yes!

ANCHORMAN:
I see. And what do you say to those who say the Tories are "lagging behind" when it comes to technological matters?

GRAHAM:
Well, it's all nonsense, really. We've been at the cutting edge for years now! We've recently set up our own page aimed at attracting young voters to the party, on this new site called "my space". You probably haven't heard of it at the BBC. I was looking at your website yesterday, and you didn't even have a guestbook!

ANCHORMAN:
And what about criticism that this is a relatively expensive project at a time when public spending cuts are a certainty for any future government?

GRAHAM:
Well, actually, the Internet is already helping the Conservative Party get ahead with regards to that. You see, since setting up our website, we've received electronic mail from several wealthy Nigerian bankers who think they can help us recover rather a lot of money we're entitled to…

ANCHORMAN:
Right. And how do you respond to the argument that setting targets for as far away as 2017 is unrealistic, given that current download speeds will seem quaint and antiquated in seven years' time?

GRAHAM:
Quaint and antiquated? Is that a copy of our latest rebranding campaign you've got there?

ANCHORMAN:
Mr. Phillips, thank you very much.

Hi urthworm

It seems very long as a sketch. Also, I get what you're doing but you need a few more laughs in the long places, not just relying on the joke that everything is out-of-date; it's effectively repeating the same joke a few times. For instance, the bit about the Nigerian bankers was a good laugh.

Maybe he could mention super-current things by accident, so Miles is thrown and thinks maybe the guy is a bit savvy, but it turns out he's misunderstood things and/or accidentally said something else (ie. Spotify, Twitter, iPad) without realising it.

Also, something I've said to lots of attempts in 'Critique': get a joke in Miles' intro at the start. Even if they don't use your sketch, they could use your intro. If you listen to the shows, pretty much every link has at least one gag in it. Missed opportunity there.

Hope this helps

Dan

This one didn't work for me I'm afraid. From the off it felt implausible that someone had no idea about broadband. I think you need to create a plausible reason why they don't very early on for it to have a better chance.

Thanks for the feedback. I think, in retrospect, I think we should have put in a line early on that established that the interview subject was supposed to be very old, sheltered and thus clueless about broadband rather than assuming that would be obvious from the fact that he was a Conservative MP, and maybe Miles's responses should have been a bit less passive, so that we could bounce jokes off their interaction, rather than simply one side of the interview.

Also, Swerytd, it's interesting that you liked the Nigerian banker bit most. I thought it might be a bit overdone as a reference point, so we almost took it out. If anything, that suggests it's a good idea to stick with what's instantly funny rather than second-guess things.

Cheers, anyway!