NJ: The Cleaner

Another NJ rejection.

TONY BLAIRkay Mrs Smith, you seem to have the experience I am looking for in a cleaner. Any questions you want to ask?

CLEANER:Well yeah, what is the hourly rate?

TONY BLAIR:It's £12 per hour - or £8 per 45 minutes if you prefer

CLEANER:And is it interior cleaning only?

TONY BLAIR:We do have a large garden but we tend not to use it as it's a bit dirty just now

CLEANER:Yes, mud sticks doesn't it?

TONY BLAIRon't I know it. (BEAT) Anything else you would like to ask?

CLEANER:Yes. Why did you last cleaner leave?

TONY BLAIRhe was too efficient

CLEANER:Too efficient?

TONY BLAIR:Yes, she would clean the house from top to bottom everyday

CLEANER:What's wrong with that?

TONY BLAIR:I only needed a few things swept under the carpet

CLEANER:I see. Well I can start tomorrow if that's okay with you

TONY BLAIR:No problem

FX:INT. CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR. FOOTSTEPS AS PERSON WALKS TO DOOR

CLEANERkay, I will see you then

FXOOR LOCK OPENS

TONY BLAIR:Would you using the back door?

END

J

Hmm. There's some good stuff in there but no real focus. At the moment there doesn't seem to be any reason for him hiring a cleaner - just an excuse to hang a few gags on.

I think you just needed to change the structure a little - perhaps Tony as a more sanctimonious dolt and the cleaner delivering more of the gags without Tony noticing:

If I may...

TONY BLAIR: Okay Mrs Smith, you seem to have the experience I am looking for in a cleaner. It's interior cleaning only - We do have a large garden but we tend not to use it as it's a bit dirty just now.

CLEANER: Yes, mud tends to stick doesn't it?

TONY BLAIR: Eh? Anyway, what is your hourly rate?

CLEANER: It's £12 per hour

TONY BLAIR: That seems a bit pricey.

CLEANER: I can do a special 45 minute rate if you prefer, although I did steal the idea for that rate off some guy's thesis on the internet.

TONY BLAIR: That sounds more like it.

CLEANER: But for that all I do is sweep a few things under the carpet.

TONY BLAIR: Perfect! Can you start tomorrow?

Yeah, listen to Afinkawan -- he's talking sense here.

Dan

Quote: jayaitch @ February 4 2010, 11:19 AM GMT

If I may...

TONY BLAIR: Okay Mrs Smith, you seem to have the experience I am looking for in a cleaner. It's interior cleaning only - We do have a large garden but we tend not to use it as it's a bit dirty just now.

CLEANER: Yes, mud tends to stick doesn't it?

TONY BLAIR: Eh? Anyway, what is your hourly rate?

CLEANER: It's £12 per hour

TONY BLAIR: That seems a bit pricey.

CLEANER: I can do a special 45 minute rate if you prefer, although I did steal the idea for that rate off some guy's thesis on the internet.

TONY BLAIR: That sounds more like it.

CLEANER: But for that all I do is sweep a few things under the carpet.

TONY BLAIR: Perfect! Can you start tomorrow?

View original

Thank you. I felt this was a bit weak when I did it but I ran out of time and just sent it in anyway. But yours is sound advice and I thank you for it.

J