I think this is your most consistent batch yet yatta. Much more considered. Do you feel you recognise an improvement in yourself through all this practise?
Jokes Page 3
Beelze, I agree - I was wary, but if you can stand on stage and knock out 50 of these in a short space of time, I reckon you could see some success.
You done anything stage related yet?
I have many fears. One of them is staircases, but I'm trying to overcome that... one step at a time.
Another fear I have is stages but I haven't thought of a punchline for that yet... I could always ask the audience
I also have a confidence problem... but I'm too shy to tell anyone
So to answer your question Paul, no.
More jokes:
I saw a sign that said "Free fishing lessons". I thought, What's the catch?
I was chewing gum the other day and I thought, Shit! My teeth have fallen out
I saw a sign on a pub that said "Home fans only" and then another sign on another pub that said "Away fans only" Then I thought, what's the sign gonna say if they allowed both?
A man offered me the chance to invest in his puppet company. He said, go on, no strings attached
I wanted to create a new football stadium so I went on Dragons' Den to ask for investment. They didn't invest... they didn't like my pitch
I want to do a parody show of Big Brother called Big Toilet. Pretty much the same as Big Brother but all the housemates really need to use the toilet and the public vote for who they think deserves to use the toilet. We can still keep the same voiceover guy - "Who goes - you decide"
I saw a chav couple, you know, your average chav couple: 14 years old, 8 kids. Anyway, as they were walking one of the many kids said, "mum, where did I come from?" She said, "ask your father". So the kid asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" To which, the father replied, "Your mum"
I was having a conversation with a friend in a bag and I got carried away
I'll tell you what I find funny: putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, haha, I kill myself
Some great gags in this thread Yatta; very impressive. My personal favs:
'I disguised a sheep as a suicide bomber; it was mutton dressed Islam'.
'I wanted to create a new football stadium so I went on Dragons' Den to ask for investment. They didn't invest... they didn't like my pitch.'
My hat is off.
Hello Yatta,
Some crackers there I thought.
I know you said that you weren't interested in doing a standup with your jokes. A few people said they may not be as popular today as maybe 10 years back. However I think some of your more socially relevant ones..such as the
'Mutton dressed Islam"
and
Someone said to me, "Answer this question: Are you gay? I want a straight answer!" So I said no
Would fit great in a routine delivered in a character of some sort..
Reminds me of 'Ted Chippington' (Anyone remember him?)
A good gag leaves me speechless so
I loved the vast majority of that lot, brilliant stuff
Some good jokes Yatta but something to bear in mind is that a lot of them (or similar variations) have already been done by various comics (Tim Vine, Milton Jones and Gary Delaney spring to mind).
For example the "Mutton dressed Islam" punchline has been used before (can't remember who does it now but I've definitely heard it on the circuit).
Quote: Yatta @ August 27 2009, 10:03 PM BSTI rang Ikea and asked for a 50ft shelf. They said that's a tall order
Quote: Nil Putters @ August 27 2009, 10:10 PM BST
That doesn't work for me, it would be a long order.
Maybe a 50ft cupboard would work better.
Surely, a 50-foot ladder ? 
Surely, a 50-foot Foreskin ?
Thanks for the comments
More jokes:
I saw a parrot on a DVD; it was a pirate DVD
I set a fiver on fire and gave it to my brother; wasn't long before it burnt a hole in his pocket
I had to do an essay on an ocean. It didn't matter which one, they weren't pacific
I tried to download a flower, but I didn't get enough seeds
I'll tell you what note I like the most: the note you get when you squash a wasp - B flat
I read a news story about a raisin who cheated on his wife with a sultana; I don't usually read about current affairs
Aligning text: people are doing that left, right and centre. I don't know why, but I'm sure they can justify it
Methinks my jokes are boring you now...
Some more:
I had to hand in my Geography homework on Korea; ironically the dog ate it
I did a dance were you had to eat tea and biscuits - a break dance
I was attacked by a window - worst pain ever
I saw a man who was one fire... he was hot
My dad asked me to buy him a shirt recently. I did so and gave it to him. He said, "top man". I said, "No, M&S"
I keep a tally of all the priests I've met. You've got to count your blessings
I saw a car with an amazing spoiler on the back: 'Dumbledore dies'
I love the first and the last brah
I liked these.
Quote: Yatta @ October 28 2009, 8:20 PM GMTI read a news story about a raisin who cheated on his wife with a sultana; I don't usually read about current affairs
Aligning text: people are doing that left, right and centre. I don't know why, but I'm sure they can justify it
And this one.
Quote: Yatta @ February 4 2010, 1:08 PM GMTI saw a car with an amazing spoiler on the back: 'Dumbledore dies'
Although it IS a spoiler for me.
Quote: Yatta @ February 4 2010, 1:08 PM GMTMy dad asked me to buy him a shirt recently. I did so and gave it to him. He said, "top man". I said, "No, M&S"
I suggest:
'I bought my dad a nice shirt the other day. He said, "top man". I said, "No, M&S"
Quote: Yatta @ February 4 2010, 1:08 PM GMTMethinks my jokes are boring you now...
I had to hand in my Geography homework on Korea; ironically the dog ate it
Loved that oneI saw a car with an amazing spoiler on the back: 'Dumbledore dies'
Liked that oneI saw a man who was one fire... he was hot
Didn't really get that oneMy dad asked me to buy him a shirt recently. I did so and gave it to him. He said, "top man". I said, "No, M&S"
Heard that one before
Keep it up, there's some great ones on this thread, but you will probably come across a few that have been done before in some form or another.