Your Local !$avermarket!

Well, I've just recently (five minutes ago) joined this forum and I thought as some sort of initiation/cleansing ritual I should post the REJECTED sketch that served as the catalyst for my arrival. It got through to the second round of 'Recorded for Training Purposes' so I routinely checked the 'Opportunities' board to find out if anyone else had heard anything. Alas, it wasn't to be.
Anyway:

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F/X:BELL CHIME OF A SHOP DOOR OPENING

SHOP OWNER:Good afternoon.

CUSTOMERh, hi. Are you open?

SHOP OWNER:Yes, of course. Please come in.

CUSTOMER:Thank You. I'm not sure if you've seen me about but my name is John Milton. I'm on the local council and so I felt a duty to just basically come by and welcome you to our sleepy little village.

SHOP OWNER:Well, that's very kind.

CUSTOMER:Not at all. Most of the shops around here, including those on either side of you, have been run by the same families for a few generations so it's a close community but don't be afraid - we're very much excited to have some fresh blood around. Is this your first retail operation, or…

SHOP OWNER:My first actual shop, yes. Everything I did before involved selling on the internet. Mostly through email.

CUSTOMER:Ah. Actually, tell me: I can't help but notice there's no stock on the shelves and no name above the door, just a series of exclamation marks, dashes and dollar signs. What is it exactly you sell?

SHOP OWNER:We sell pharmaceuticals 80% off; Viagra; electronics; JVC; Sony; big breasted mama-citas that are easy for pleasin' with tiny tight bums and a reason for squeezin'.

CUSTOMER:Uhh, I'm – I'm sorry. What's that?

SHOP OWNERenunciating) We sell pharmaceuticals 80% off; Viagra; electronics; JVC; Sony; big breasted mama-citas that are easy for pleasin' with tiny tight bums and a reason for squeezin'.

CUSTOMERflabbergasted) I…Umm…

SHOP OWNER:Xanax! All your favourite celebrities: naked and ashamed; 80% off Viagra: Buy now! Your wife hates your penis! Explode her womb with a libido torpedo! (a beat) Samsonite.

CUSTOMERo, wait, you sell drugs, pornography and suitcases? But there's nothing here. Your shop is completely devoid of merchandise.

SHOP OWNER:It's coming, but first you're going to have to leave a deposit in my international account.

CUSTOMER:Well forgive my scepticism, but this doesn't sound legitimate at all.

SHOP OWNERa beat) Your wife hates your penis! Viag-

CUSTOMERtop saying that! No, sorry, I can't have this; in the morning I shall have to relay what I've seen here to other members of the council and also the board of traders.

SHOP OWNER:...Please don't. Please, I beg you.

CUSTOMER:Look: it's not personal, but our village is popular with tourists from nearby counties and we just can't have this weirdness being flouted about.

SHOP OWNERlease! I've escaped persecution to be here. I can pay you!

CUSTOMER:I don't want your money. Plus, you look local to me. What's your background?

SHOP OWNER:I am the deposed Prince of Nigeria and I have secret bank funds all over the world.

CUSTOMER:Goodbye!

FX:BELL CHIME OF A DOOR CLOSING

THE END

Well Eamonn, I think your sketch was rejected because it was a little too risqué for the BBC – even for 'Recorded for Training Purposes'! You should tone it down just a little – something like this:
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F/X: BELL CHIME OF A SHOP DOOR OPENING

SHOP OWNER: Good afternoon.

CUSTOMER: Oh, hi. Are you open?

SHOP OWNER: You opened the door – the bell chimed – what do you f**kin' THINK?

CUSTOMER: My name is John Milton.

SHOP OWNER: So f**kin' WHAT?

CUSTOMER: I'm on the local council - and so I felt a duty to come by and welcome you to our sleepy little village.

SHOP OWNER: Full of sleepy c**ts like you, it looks like.

CUSTOMER: Not at all. Most of the shops around here have been run by the same families for a few generations so it's a close community

SHOP OWNER: A close community? That a euphemism for incest where I come from!

CUSTOMER: Don't be afraid - we're very excited to have some fresh blood around.

SHOP OWNER: F**kin' pervert! I've dealt with c**ts like you on the f**kin' internet.

CUSTOMER: Ah! So that's why there's no stock on the shelves and no name above the door - just a series of exclamation marks, dashes and dollar signs. What is it exactly you sell?

SHOP OWNER: Pharmaceuticals 80% off; Viagra; electronics; JVC; Sony; big-breasted mama-citas that are easy for pleasin' with tiny tight bums and a reason for squeezin'.

CUSTOMER: Uhh, I'm – I'm sorry. What's that?

SHOP OWNER: (enunciating) F**kin' pharmaceuticals 80% off; Viagra; electronics; JVC; Sony; big-breasted mama-citas that are easy for pleasin' with tiny tight bums and a reason for squeezin'.

CUSTOMER: I…Umm…

SHOP OWNER: Xanax! Your wife hates your pathetic penis! Explode her womb with a libido torpedo! Plus Samsonite.

CUSTOMER: So, wait, you sell drugs, pornography... and suitcases? But there's nothing here. Your shop is completely devoid of merchandise.

SHOP OWNER: It's coming, if you'll excuse the expression - but first you're going to have to leave a deposit via Western Union in my international account.

CUSTOMER: Well forgive my scepticism, but this doesn't sound legitimate at all.

SHOP OWNER: Your wife hates your pathetic little penis! Viag ---

CUSTOMER: Stop SAYING that! --- well, not first thing in the morning. I shall have to report what I've seen here to other members of the council and also the board of traders.

SHOP OWNER: Please your-f**kin-self... c**t.

CUSTOMER: Look: it's not personal, but our village is popular with tourists from nearby counties and we just can't have this – er - weirdness being flouted about.

SHOP OWNER: Oh I get it – it's pay-off time. How much?

CUSTOMER: I don't want your money.

SHOP OWNER: What do you f**kin' want, then?

CUSTOMER: I want f**king.

SHOP OWNER: You want f**kin' WHAT?

CUSTOMER: I want to be f**ked. Your cock – my arse – NOW!

SHOP OWNER: I thought you'd never ask.... I'll just lock the door...

FX: BELL CHIME OF DOOR CLOSING

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Jaysus. I wish I'd seen this before having to submit my re-write of the ending.

I thought this was a funny sketch with an unnecessarily tortuous opening. Get to the point earlier and it works much better. Also you throw in a few red herrings - e.g. "I'm on the local council" - that do nothing for the sketch and only confuse the audience because we are expecting it to be relevant and it isn't.

Quote: Badge @ February 6 2010, 1:30 AM GMT

I thought this was a funny sketch with an unnecessarily tortuous opening. Get to the point earlier and it works much better. Also you throw in a few red herrings - e.g. "I'm on the local council" - that do nothing for the sketch and only confuse the audience because we are expecting it to be relevant and it isn't.

View original

The only reason for the sketch's long opening was to set up some veil of normalcy before it decended into the absurd.

Thanks for the comments. They're appreciated.