Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 12

OK this one stinks.

Storm in a Teacup

SOUND FX: BLIZZARD AND SNOWSTORM BLOWS LOUDLY WHILST JOURNALISTS SHOUT OUT QUESTIONS AT MR BROWN

JOURNALIST: Prime Minister Brown how do you feel about the near vote of no confidence ballot by your former cabinet ministers Hoon and Hewitt?

BROWN: It's nothing but a storm in a teacup. Look, I'll prove it to you…[SHOUTS] Mr Ross…Mr Ross

SOUND FX: JONATHAN ROSS
Storm in a Teacup

SOUND FX: BLIZZARD AND SNOWSTORM BLOWS LOUDLY WHILST JOURNALISTS SHOUT OUT QUESTIONS AT MR BROWN

JOURNALIST: Prime Minister Brown how do you feel about the near vote of no confidence ballot by your former cabinet ministers Hoon and Hewitt?

BROWN: It’s nothing but a storm in a teacup. Look, I’ll prove it to you…[SHOUTS] Mr Ross…Mr Ross

SOUND FX: JONATHAN ROSS VOICE IS LOUD AS IT BOOMS AND ECHOES INTO THE TEACUP

JONATHAN ROSS: Yeah wot?

BROWN: Mr Ross can you explain to these people that this is nothing but a storm in a teacup

ROSS: Yeah, yeah mate, it's true, I've had a great time at the BBC and it's not a bad time for me to move on.

BROWN: Yes but…

JONATHAN ROSS: Tea anyone?

END
SS’ VOICE IS LOUD AS IT BOOMS AND ECHOES INTO THE TEACUP

JONATHAN ROSS: Yeah wot?

BROWN: Mr Ross can you explain to these people that this is nothing but a storm in a teacup

ROSS: Yeah, yeah mate, it's true, I've had a great time at the BBC and it's not a bad time for me to move on.

BROWN: Yes but…

JONATHAN ROSS: Tea anyone?

END

Quote: R.J. @ February 2 2010, 11:08 PM GMT

There's no answer to that. Oh wait there is. Why not call him Napoleon Arsefactory then?

View original

Actually you given me an idea for a sketch. Thnaks.

Are you posting and sniffing glue at the same time?

YOUNG PERSON: Elvis Presley would have been 75 today? That don't make any sense man, cos it's January innit and my Gran says he died in August 77?

Quote: R.J. @ February 2 2010, 11:11 PM GMT

Are you posting and sniffing glue at the same time?

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I'm a bloke I cannot multitask

Thats all for now. No doubt I wll be rejected. Again.

Well, whatever you're on - cut the dose.

Nah. It's what keeps me appy guvnor.

These (and indeed countless others like them) have failed to bother the judges at NJ for the last series and a half:

VOXPOP (GEORDIE ACCENT):
They're talking about banning the Burqa. Well I think that's a bit extreme. There's nothing wrong with Burqas really. It's the chips that are causing all this obesity.

VOXPOP:
So Bernard Matthews has retired at eighty, but if you ask me he shouldn't be allowed to get away with his evil genetic experiments just cos he's an old man. I mean, Turkey Ham? You can't tell me that that's not sick.

VOXPOP:
I think it's the right thing to do; raising the terror alert level from substantial to severe. After all, technically the Spice Girls could reform at any time, couldn't they?

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise to Budget Airlines following our report last week when we suggested that they soon intend to charge passengers for carrying emotional baggage onboard all flights.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 2 2010, 11:27 PM GMT

VOXPOP:
So Bernard Matthews has retired at eighty, but if you ask me he shouldn't be allowed to get away with his evil genetic experiments just cos he's an old man. I mean, Turkey Ham? You can't tell me that that's not sick.

View original

Actaully come to think og of it it is sick.

Cheers Marc

For what it's worth I remember liking this one at the time:

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ February 2 2010, 8:24 PM GMT

Series one
Voxpop: Personally I don't have a problem with Esther Rantzen running for Luton. I live in Inverness.

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Your other stuff is good too. I guess it shows they have a lot to play with each week and there is an element of luck (for the quickies anyway).

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 2 2010, 11:27 PM GMT

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologies to Budget Airlines following our report last week when we suggested that they soon intend to charge passengers for carrying emotional baggage onboard all flights.

View original

This could stand a little tightening, but it's very good nevertheless.

What are your favourite one-liners to write. I'd say mine are corrections but they only do about four of them and it's taken me this long to realise it's not a good idea to do them on the biggest stories of the week coz the show's already well covered them by the time corrections end the program.

Oh well here's a few of my fave correction rejections:

Newsjack would like to apologise to Gordon Brown and state that he has not been contributing to a social network called FaceTwitter.

DJ Fatboy Slim has accused one of our staff of contorting his favourite vinyl LP. We want to assure him we are happy to set the record straight.

We would like to apologise to Nicholas Sarkozy and make it clear his family name does not hail from a long line of people comfortable with sarcasm.

Although Tesco's are going into film production we are assured there are no projects called 'Bhaji on the floor', 'Assault on aisle 13' and 'Adventures in hegemony through cheap booze and low wages'

Newsjack would like to make it clear that Richard Madeley has not left Judy Finnigan, because she grew whiskers on her chinigan, though we have seen him with a model from Michigan, so we say screw him Judy Finnigan, just begin again

Last week we said that Nick Griffin does not have a chip on his shoulder, but in fact a secret conjoined twin called Steve which makes him look like he's attached to a massive cock. We now accept this was an unfair comment and have apologised unreservedly to Steve who has accepted our apology.

Last week we made a blatant tasteless innuendo when we said that Chris Evans was filling Terry Wogan's slot. We're happy to correct this and clarify that we are confident that this would in no way result in Mr Wogan excreting a devil brood of ginger leprechauns yapping 'I've got six ferraris!'

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 2 2010, 11:27 PM GMT

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise to Budget Airlines following our report last week when we suggested that they soon intend to charge passengers for carrying emotional baggage onboard all flights.

View original

This is a great idea. If were you, I'd have just named Ryanair.

"We'd like to apologise to Ryanair for suggesting they intend to charge passengers for their emotional baggage."

Yup - that works much better. I think that's worth sending again.

Yep it was a bit flabby as presented - but looking at what others have had done to their stuff by the editors, then I'd have thought they'd have applied the scissors had they been impressed enough by the gag. Mmmm but might chuck it back at them again next week.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 3 2010, 11:58 AM GMT

Yep it was a bit flabby as presented - but looking at what others have had done to their stuff by the editors, then I'd have thought they'd have applied the scissors had they been impressed enough by the gag. Mmmm but might chuck it back at them again next week.

View original

It depends whether or not they had the time. They'd rather see a fully formed gag. Some weeks when they edited stuff they mave have just have more opportunity to do some. Don't presume they always will.

Quote: R.J. @ February 2 2010, 11:08 PM GMT

There's no answer to that. Oh wait there is. Why not call him Napoleon Arsefactory then?

View original

Where were you at the weekend when I needed a name for a consultant in a sketch!?!

Like all these lots.

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ February 2 2010, 8:42 PM GMT

ANNOUNCER: Newsbullet – raising the journalist threat to "severe".

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Quote: funnyfnarr @ February 2 2010, 11:02 PM GMT

News bullet, so cool it puts the Yeah man into Yeman.

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Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 2 2010, 11:27 PM GMT

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise to Budget Airlines following our report last week when we suggested that they soon intend to charge passengers for carrying emotional baggage onboard all flights.

View original

(with the suggested rewrite)

Quote: Beelzebozo @ February 3 2010, 1:08 AM GMT

Although Tesco's are going into film production we are assured there are no projects called 'Bhaji on the floor', 'Assault on aisle 13' and 'Adventures in hegemony through cheap booze and low wages'

Newsjack would like to make it clear that Richard Madeley has not left Judy Finnigan, because she grew whiskers on her chinigan, though we have seen him with a model from Michigan, so we say screw him Judy Finnigan, just begin again

View original

(both excellent material, but both need tidying up)

They'll more likely rewrite sketches and the vox-pops have to kind of stand-out, especially if they get hundreds of the same sort of thing. (He said, having had his vox-pop pretty much completely rewritten. I can only assume no-one else spotted a similar line of gag else they would have used that)

Dan