Glad I've come across this site - have sent some stuff to Newsjack last week and this (today). Not really sure I should bother though - I listened to the last episode and frankly thought it was very weak - jokes about smelly Frenchmen and Timmy Mallett for God's sake! Most of the stuff I've read on here is miles funnier - who's in charge at Radio 7!
Anyway, here are my ones from last week and this. Love some feedback - by teh
Corrections
Apologies to any of our listeners who were confused by our story of Amy Winehouse's court appearance for assaulting a theatre manager during a production of Cinderella in Milton Keynes. After her conviction, we reported she had been chosen to play the pantomime villain in next Christmas' show, Beauty and the Beast, but we can now confirm she has been offered one of the lead roles. Katherine Jenkins will co-star as Beauty.
VoxPop
It's all chocolate in the news at the moment. First we had all the trouble at Cadbury and now all we hear about are Terry's problems.
Sportsbullet 1
John Terry has apologised for letting down England fans after news broke of his extra-marital affair. He said he got into the habit several years ago after taking advice from former manager Sven-Goran Erikkson.
Sportsbullet 2
Roger Federer has apologised for saying, prior to the Australian Open Final, that Britain hadn't won a Grand Slam for 150,000 years. "The figure was too high by at least a factor of 10" he said, shortly before demolishing GB's best hope for years, Andy Murray, 3 sets to love.
Sketch - CRACK SNIFFER DOGS
The news that a company is encouraging parents to hire its sniffer dogs if they suspect their child is taking drugs, has been criticised by many civil liberties groups and young people themselves. One teenager said "I'm very worried about how my Dad would react if Mum hired one of these dogs. I've been getting hold of stuff for him for years now". Another was quoted as saying, "Erm, I don't do drugs personally, but I think this is a really heavy situation man and it all just makes my head spin round and other things that I can't remember but they're bound to be a real downer that's for sure."
Derek Nuttyman from the RSPCA condemned the idea that animals from the Battersea Dogs Home be used as canine drug sniffers: "Imagine for a minute if the situation was reversed; how do you think your pet dog would feel if kids from the local orphanage came round to his house unannounced and started sniffing round his bed for hidden chocolate drops?"
In the 1980s the Dutch tried a similar approach with unforeseen consequences – after several years on duty, Amsterdam's crack sniffer dog team became the world's first canine crack addicts, taking over buildings in run-down areas and turning them into crack kennels. These have subsequently been made legal and trade with the local human population is brisk. "If you think you can get cheaper and better stuff elsewhere you're barking up the wrong tree" said one satisfied customer.
A spokesman for Barneveld Wimpers, one of the Top Dogs in the red light district, made it clear to our reporter that his client would only give interviews to journalists who take him for a walk or give him a treat, but did read a statement from his master: "Any well-trained British sniffer dogs that are smuggled out of the country are welcome to come here and beg for a job running with my pack. We are particularly keen on recruiting heavily Bearded Collies, Bull Terrifiers from Staffordshire and guard or watchdogs that won't panic when we're up Shiatsu creek without a poodle".
We can now go over live to a press conference being held at offices of the company concerned, Stop and Sniff, where we are joined by our roving, or should that be Rover-ing reporter, or even newshound, Rebecca Fielding
"Hello Rebecca, are there any more whippets, sorry snippets of news you can tell us about?"
"Well if we could dispense with the awful jokes for a minute Peter, we are serious journalists after all, I can tell you that the press conference has been delayed because of a demonstration outside the building by an angry mob of drug-sniffing cocker spaniels who are demanding the company put more resources into caring for work colleagues who fall into addiction through performing their duties."
"Have you ever been sniffed by a Spaniel Rebecca? Cocker or otherwise?"
"Not for drugs at any rate. Now if I could continue please (brief silence) . . . thank you . . . now the debate has been going on . . . sorry I'll have to stop there and we can now hear the Chief Executive of Stop and Sniff, Donald B. White."
[Spoken with slight Italian accent]
"Grazie mille – I mean thank you everyone for coming along. First of all I would like to make it clear that Stop and Sniff is a responsible organisation. We only ever enter people's houses when invited to by a parent and always when the child is not present to avoid any ugly scenes or excessive crying. It also means the crafty bugger will not have had any chance to hide the stash. As for our sniffers, I can assure everyone that despite all the whimpering and whining you may have heard on the way in today, only a minority of our animals become crack addicts."
"Simon Thompson, The Herald – when you say a "minority" what is that in percentage terms?"
"Around 49"
"How do you respond to reports that you are not Donald B. White from Tresco in the Scilly Isles but Don Bertolli Bianchi from Trapani in Sicily?
"It's not true but I cannot say any more as I have taken a code of silence."
"Well at least tell us what happens to all the drugs you find?"
"They will either be stored in one of our safe, sorry I mean warehouses, until they can be disposed of or they can be returned to the child concerned on payment of a fine."
"Do you not think that people may interpret that as drug dealing?"
"No, no, no – the fines are a punishment and in any case are split 50-50 with the parents. No more questions please, I have to attend a meeting with the other bosses, I mean our competitors."
"Well that seems to be the end of the press conference – back to you in the studio."
"Rebecca Fielding there reporting – lovely - if I was dog I'd quite happily sniff her bottom. Now in further news today . . . "