INT – DAY A car showroom environment, full of light. A very keen young salesman bounds over to a potential customer.
Salesman : Good Morning Sir, can I be of assistance?
The man is a big brute, dressed in black and is wearing an executioner type mask.
Customer : I'm looking for something new.
Salesman : A new axe is it Sir? We have some lovely models in at the moment.
Customer : No, no. Wouldn't part with me axe for the world, seen off some of the country's finest necks it has.
Salesman : A block then? I bet yours is stained red, like the very devil himself.
Customer : No, no. Not a block, I'm looking to expand me business. Get into the old pre-execution market, it's where the money is these days.
Salesman : Last rites and confession's? You'll need the ecclesiastical tailors down the road Sir.
Customer : No, no I don't want to be a Priest. Good God no, I wouldn't be able to keep up with all the women. No, I'm talking about questioning, getting information that sort of thing.
Salesman : I see Sir. <Whispers> Torture. It's a dirty word, I know. But there is no need to be ashamed, everyone's into it these days. I had a wonderful party of Spanish gentleman over here last week, such delightful men. Anyway enough of my rambling, what sort of thing were you looking for?
Customer : I've been learning the trade with the old branding irons and pokers, but really feel I need something more.
Salesman : Very wise Sir, very inefficient the poker. All that waiting around for the fire to heat up, then think about the summer days. You need something like this.
Salesman leads the customer to a rack.
Salesman : The streachamatic 3000. The very latest in modern racking technology.
Customer : Looks awfully complicated, all those cogs and ropes.
Salesman : Not for an intelligent man like yourself. So much reliable than the poker, sir. This has a written guarantee from the manufacture, that if your man falls to break after the first three hours, you get your money back – no questions asked.
Customer grunts a sign that he is impressed.
Customer : Look at the size of it though, it's going to take up all my dungeon space.
Salesman : It's a fold away model Sir. When not in use you can simply slip it away.
Customer : How much then?
Salesman : Now listen, normally I ask 150. But seeing that you're new to this business. I'll throw in a free full day's training, the gold servicing package and a couple of heretics to try out your new skills on. We have a three year, interest free credit scheme.
Customer : It's tempting.
Salesman : Okay, you're a hard man, I can tell. If you pay in full today, I can throw in a free Iron Maiden.
Customer : In which case, I think that seals the deal.
Salesman : Excellent, now did I hear you say witch? I have a top notch new ducking stool come in….
Salesman leads the customer away.
End
You definitely have all the ingredients right, just tweak the recipe so they rise properly. Don't think you have to go all the way back to the drawing board you're very close to the finished product.
