NJ: Divorce among the swans

So how many levels does this fail on?

MILES: It is been a stirring week in the world of ornithology. The breeding site of the rare Large-billed Reed Warbler has been discovered by American researchers in a remote valley in Afghanistan, something of a disappointment as they had been hoping to find Osama Bin Laden. Meanwhile the Saltmarsh Sparrow of Connecticut has been dubbed the world's most promiscuous bird after it was found that the average clutch of eggs has two point five fathers. The CSA, or Chick Support Agency, has been alerted. But the biggest birding story is closer to home, at the Slimbridge Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust, with the annual influx of four thousand Bewick Swans.

FX: SWANS HONKING

ORNITHOLGIST:...and ninety-seven, three thousand nine-hundred and ninety-eight...

ASSISTANT(F.):Hey, look!

ORNITHOLOGIST:Three thousand nine-hundred and ninety...

ASSISTANT:Look at that swan.

ORNITHOLGIST:Which swan? I've just looked at three thousand nine hundred and ninety - blast I've lost count! One, two...

ASSISTANT:No that swan! There, the one with a smug look on his bill.

ORNITHOLGISTwans can't look sm - Oh I, say he does look rather pleased with himself. Hang on, I know him, that's old Sarindi.

ASSISTANT:Yes, but shouldn't he be with...

ORNITHOLGISTaruni! Good grief you're right. So who is that nestling under his wing?

ASSISTANT:I don't know, but she's young enough to be his cygnet.

ORNITHOLGISToor Saruni. Swans of course mate for life, so she must be...

ASSISTANTver there. Having her neck nibbled, by that chap with the enormous knob.

ORNITHOLGISTh.. on his bill. Yes.

ASSISTANT:Look at the hussy. No better than a Saltmarsh Sparrow.

ORNITHOLGIST:Quite. Of course they are away from their breeding grounds. A, ha-ha, migration fling perhaps?

ASSISTANT:I don't think so. Look she's wearing his ring!

ORNITHOLGISTh, really! I gave her that ring last year.

ASSISTANT:You homewrecker! How could you? I know she is a fine looking fowl, and I am sure there are times when we have all looked at the sensuous curve of a white neck and recalled Yeats' lines from Leda and the Swan: "the staggering girl, her thighs caressed, by the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill", I know I have. But look at her now - a ruined swan!

ORNITHOLGISTear lady calm yourself. I merely meant that I had ringed her for identification purposes.

ASSISTANT:That's what they all say! You want to watch your step. That Sarindi's the jealous type. He could break your arm.

ORNITHOLGIST:That's a myth you know.

ASSISTANTf course it is. I am not stupid. I know Zeus didn't really ravish Leda in the form of a swan.

ORNITHOLGIST:No, I mean ... never mind. Sadly it does appear though that Saruni and Sarindi are no longer a couple. Divorce it seems is a fact of life, even among swans.

ASSISTANT:It's our broken society!

ORNITHOLGIST:Well, there's nothing we can do about it.

ASSISTANT:I can - I am voting for David Cameron. Saruni - don't give up on him! Fight for your cob! You'll see, with a transferable tax allowance he''ll take you back in a shot!

MILES:That's right. Under the Tories married swans will have smaller bills.

END

Quote: Timbo @ January 30 2010, 10:18 AM GMT

MILES:It is been a stirring week in the world of ornithology. The breeding site of the rare Large-billed Reed Warbler has been discovered by American researchers in a remote valley in Afghanistan, something of a disappointment as they had been hoping to find Osama Bin Laden.

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Quote: Timbo @ January 30 2010, 10:18 AM GMT

Meanwhile the Saltmarsh Sparrow of Connecticut has been dubbed the world's most promiscuous bird after it was found that the average clutch of eggs has two point five fathers. The CSA, or Chick Support Agency, has been alerted.

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I think these two are great separately!

Possibly this was declined due to it dealing with an "And finally..." story. Dan blogged about avoiding these kinds of subjects I think.

Quote: Morrace @ January 30 2010, 2:15 PM GMT

I think these two are great separately!

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Cheers. I agree the link was the best bit.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 30 2010, 2:19 PM GMT

Possibly this was declined due to it dealing with an "And finally..." story.

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Possibly; I tried to give it more of a hard news edge by turning it round to the Tory marriage tax break proposals, but it did not really come off.

Looking at it a again, I suspect the real reason it was declined was because it is too long, loses its topical focus and fails to deliver a decent punch.

When I confess that this is about the best sketch I have sent them, you will realise how much I am struggling with this!

I thought this was pretty good Timbo. Some neat writing and a couple of strong gags.

I think the 'ringing' joke doesn't need the 'homewrecker' follow on but otherwise excellent writing.

WB Yeats also used swans to symbolise age in 'Wild Swans at Coole' poetry fans.

Hi Timbo. It's been a long time.

I like the topic and it's surrealism.

"loses its topical focus and fails to deliver a decent punch"

I think you hit the nail on the head yourself. I was quite happy with the swanage talk to be honest. I'd drop the political part and finish it with something a little more surreal (asthat's where it was heading, for me).

Good sketch none the less.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ January 30 2010, 9:57 PM GMT

I think the 'ringing' joke doesn't need the 'homewrecker' follow on but otherwise excellent writing.

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Cheers Godot. Yes if deadlines had allowed time for a rewrite I think some of that material might have gone.

Quote: Craig H @ January 30 2010, 11:58 PM GMT

Hi Timbo.

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Hi Craig.

I agree that the political ending felt a bit tacked on.

Quote: Timbo @ January 30 2010, 6:27 PM GMT

Possibly; I tried to give it more of a hard news edge by turning it round to the Tory marriage tax break proposals, but it did not really come off.

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Hi Timbo

As you've spotted, I think if you'd have focussed entirely on the above through the swan divorce, it would have worked much better.

It felt quite long and meandering and needed to be quicker and sharper. Nothing wrong with the writing and/or jokes, just seemed to take a long time to get there, if you know what I mean. The bit between the start and the identification of them having separate partners was a case in point; with some outdoor F/X you could have just started with the 'Is that Surundi?' or 'Doesn't he look smug?' line and gone from there, in my opinion.

How long was it? It felt like a three-pager that could have been done in a page/page and a half.

Dan