Short sketch

Short sketch. 1st draft. Feedback appreciated.

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Rob walks into a bank and shouts

"This is a hold up"

A man raises his hand before speaking.

"I'm a lecturer in the English language and I think you'll find that is in fact a holdall"

The whole room laughs. Rob shoots him.

"Any other lecturers of the English language?"

Everyone in the room raises their hand. Rob scans the room, bewildered.

"This is a bank?" Rob says hopeful.

They all shake their heads

"It's a University isn't it?"

They all nod.

Voice-over "Get the all new "LOL-and-LOL" sat nav. Because the roads really are hilarious"

Message appears on screen : "Proper paper map included"

I thought this was funny, and I could really see it working.
But I didn't really get the ending, well I think I did but I don't feel it quite does the sketch justice.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ January 29 2010, 5:13 PM GMT

I thought this was funny, and I could really see it working.
But I didn't really get the ending, well I think I did but I don't feel it quite does the sketch justice.

View original

Hi Steve. Thanks for your feedback.

I think your right - it definitely needs a better ending. I'll be back with an edited version soon.

Keep it as a Bank and...
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INT. BANK. DAY.

ROB BURSTS IN WIELDING A SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN

ROB:
This is a hold up!

MAN:
(RAISING HIS HAND)I'm an English teacher and I think you'll find that is in fact a holdall.

ROB:
Correct! I'm glad you're paying attention - (THRUSTS HOLDALL INTO MAN'S HANDS) - get behind the counter and fill the f**ker up!

MAN QUICKLY DOES SO
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Quote: Morrace @ January 30 2010, 11:56 PM GMT

Keep it as a Bank and...
______________________________________________________________________

INT. BANK. DAY.

ROB BURSTS IN WIELDING A SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN

ROB:
This is a hold up!

MAN:
(RAISING HIS HAND)I'm an English teacher and I think you'll find that is in fact a holdall.

ROB:
Correct! I'm glad you're paying attention - (THRUSTS HOLDALL INTO MAN'S HANDS) - get behind the counter and fill the f**ker up!

MAN QUICKLY DOES SO
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View original

Perfect.