Not sure how topical the first sketch is. Or the second but I've not heard any book pulping stories in the news so could be wrong.
I liked the set up of Blair haunting Brown, thought it read pretty well, but it probably needs a few more jokes in it.
PS I'm not a successful radio sketch writer so what do I know.
Quote: RobJ @ January 28 2010, 12:31 PM GMTNot sure how topical the first sketch is. Or the second but I've not heard any book pulping stories in the news so could be wrong.
I liked the set up of Blair haunting Brown, thought it read pretty well, but it probably needs a few more jokes in it.
PS I'm not a successful radio sketch writer so what do I know.
Thanks mate. The one with Cameron was really trying to say he was recycling old policies and had no ideas of his own... obviously I need to work on getting my dieas across a bit more clearly.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 28 2010, 10:49 AM GMTWeek 4's Dirty Dozen:
I bumped in to Heather Mills at the Man U v Man City match. I'll be honest; it was a disappointing second leg.
I don't know whether to have an Indian or a Chinese. I feel like Brad Pitt at his divorce negotiations.
Both cracking gags. Me likey.
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 28 2010, 12:53 PM GMT
Both cracking gags. Me likey.
Cheers RC 
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 28 2010, 10:49 AM GMTWeek 4's Dirty Dozen:
I bumped in to Heather Mills at the Man U v Man City match. I'll be honest; it was a disappointing second leg.
I don't know whether to have an Indian or a Chinese. I feel like Brad Pitt at his divorce negotiations.
Fraud 'costs the UK £30bn a year'. Help stop it by donating twenty pound to endfraud.co.uk.
Catherine Zeta Jones has spoken out against pharmaceutical companies peddling mood-altering medication. Apparently, her husband is taking tablets and it's making things hard for her.
If elected, the Conservatives will ban kebab shops from selling alcohol. Kerry Katona is voting Labour.
The Pope has told priests that they should use the internet more. That's probably a bad idea.
I've decided, I'm definitely voting for Brown.
Hang on Angelina, it's my pick next.Nintendo are releasing a new football game that is so realistic, Harry Redknapp is seen handcuffed.
A 16-year old boy is set to become Britain's youngest sex-swap patient. He first realised he was a woman when he was 12, when he spent over an hour on the phone to his mother.
I'm absolutely gutted that Brangelina have split; it's left us with no celebrity couples whose names merge.
Hang on; Vanilla Ice is dating Gina Yashere.David Beckham has been arrested under anti-terror laws. He was found to be in possession of a suspicious package.
Al Qaeda are planning to use female suicide bombers. Imagine that, a woman blowing up unnecessarily.
Took me a while to click on the Vanilla Ice one, but yeah - like these!
Good stuff Gerry, enjoyed the Mills gag - reminded me of the one when she got her divorce money she bought a plane.
This week's efforts:
VOX POPS
(Cheryl Cole)
I think the single for Haiti is a good idea, Simon, but I would have chosen a more up-beat song, like Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys.
Well, the 45-minute claim was always ridiculous. Everybody knows it's a game of 2 halves.
I think Blair's living in a fairytale world of Hans Blix'n' Mandelson.
Few people know that Burns was the first to write sci-fi poetry, like the classic Tam O'Shatner.
Swans being unfaithful and divorcing is not uncommon - animals do it all the time - especially Tigers.
After I fell into the Picasso my first thought was – what a brilliant example of abstract compressionism.
Well, if untidy beds are good for us then Liverpool should be top of the league as they never keep a clean sheet.
Of course Blair and Bush prayed together – Blair would say 'Hallelujah' and Bush would say 'Halliburton'.
I see there have been rave reviews of Eric Cantona's new play – described as a mixture of Hedda Gabler, The Seagull and Kung-Fu Panda.
The Uzbekistan Government has reacted angrily to negative images of their country posted on the BBC by uploading images of London's East End and describing them as Alfgarnettstan.
CORRECTIONS
Sir Fred Goodwin has now left his post as an architectural consultant, to join the board of Cadburys where he is looking forward to giving two fingers to UK citizens on a regular basis.
Following the news of his employment as an architectural advisor, Sir Fred Goodwin called the show to say he now wishes to be known as Fred the Shed.
Beijing has approved Google's new, dolphin-friendly search engine which, when used, returns nothing from the net.
Shamed banker Sir Fred Goodwin called NewsJack to say he can no longer show his face in public and has placed an order for a tartan burqa.
In a bid to help the Northern Ireland peace process, Google has pulled out of Iris Robinson.
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 28 2010, 12:53 PM GMT
Both cracking gags. Me likey.
Seconded.
Excellent (again):
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 28 2010, 10:49 AM GMTI don't know whether to have an Indian or a Chinese. I feel like Brad Pitt at his divorce negotiations.
From a lower division...
Lord Coe has denied his decision to fast-track the party game pass-the-balloon into an Olympic sport was influenced by the growing number of rickets cases among Britain's youth.
CORRECTION:
When we reported earlier that Scary, Posh and Baby had all signed up to a live show format recycling old material, we were not referring to the planned pre-election debates between the party leaders.
(Furthermore, comments regarding 'Ginger's voice' were unrelated to Scottish demands for representation at the debates.)
Quote: Tam-S @ January 28 2010, 2:03 PM GMTGood stuff Gerry, enjoyed the Mills gag - reminded me of the one when she got her divorce money she bought a plane.
...
CORRECTIONS
Sir Fred Goodwin has now left his post as an architectural consultant, to join the board of Cadburys where he is looking forward to giving two fingers to UK citizens on a regular basis.
Following the news of his employment as an architectural advisor, Sir Fred Goodwin called the show to say he now wishes to be known as Fred the Shed.
Beijing has approved Google's new, dolphin-friendly search engine which, when used, returns nothing from the net.
Shamed banker Sir Fred Goodwin called NewsJack to say he can no longer show his face in public and has placed an order for a tartan burqa.
In a bid to help the Northern Ireland peace process, Google has pulled out of Iris Robinson.
Hi Tam,
I can't see how some of these are really 'corrections'. Good lines though.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 28 2010, 10:49 AM GMTWeek 4's Dirty Dozen:
I bumped in to Heather Mills at the Man U v Man City match. I'll be honest; it was a disappointing second leg.
This is a great line, but unless Heather Mills was actually seen at the match, I think they'll view it as a little convoluted in order to get the joke in(?)
Quote: postscript @ January 28 2010, 7:03 PM GMTHi Tam,
I can't see how some of these are really 'corrections'. Good lines though.
This is a great line, but unless Heather Mills was actually seen at the match, I think they'll view it as a little convoluted in order to get the joke in(?)
Here are my losers:
I know they've sold millions of iPhones last quarter, but they're all giving great deals right now. It's just a case of comparing Apple's and Orange's, I guess.
With our surveillance society nowadays, I want to know who's going to police the police. Big brother may be watching us, but who's watching Big Brother? No one I know.
So the House of Lords has upheld the ban on transexuals joining the church, has it? I've got nothing against men in wigs and suspenders, but I do draw the line at them passing our laws.
Charity record for Haiti?. If they really don't like it, why not just have coffee instead?
I don't know why the BNP wants to put seals on their ballot boxes. Walruses are much heavier
Hi! This is my first post - I hope this sketch isn't too long. I'd really appreciate any kind of criticism (even harsh!) I don't mind being told that it sucks. Thanks!
HOT TUB POLITCS AND WALL STREET BANK BREAK-UP
FX: BATHROOM: GURGLING SOUND OF HOT TUB
BROWN: Alistair! Come in. I want to discuss Obama's proposal to break up the banks.
DARLING: Yes – it's a very serious development. We can't afford to lie back and relax. By the way, what are you doing in that hot tub?
BROWN: Multi-tasking, my friend. Ooh! The Americans love hot tubs you know. When you've got one of these babies, you can invite your mates around anytime for drinks and dips.
DARLING: It seems a bit weird to entertain guests in the bathroom, Gordon. Shouldn't the hot tub be in the garden?
BROWN: Nonsense! I wouldn't want my neighbours watching me have a bath.
DARLING: I am your neighbours watching you have a bath.
BROWN: You're right. I should listen to you more often, Darling. Oh, hang on – surely it would be too cold outside?
DARLING: No silly! The hot water keeps you warm. The problem is: it's very bad for the environment.
BROWN: Oh bugger that! Anyway, back to business. Answer me this: how can we pretend to show our full support to Obama without interfering with British banks?
DARLING: We can't Gordon. (MELODRAMIC) We mustn't do shit until we've had time to think about it. (GEEKY VOICE) And besides, we need more information.
BROWN: Nonsense! That didn't stop the Tories – they said that they "fully supported Obama's plan – kind of". So we too must "fully support Obama's plan – kind of".
FX: TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
BROWN: Hello Alistair. Would you like to come over for (FUNNY VOICE) "cocktails and canapés"? Now, don't forget to bring your trunks, or you'll have to go commando.
DARLING: OK Gordon, I shall give it a whirl.
BROWN: Not in my hot tub, you won't! (HANGS UP)
DARLING: (TO HIMSELF) Go commando? On a Wednesday?
FX: GARDEN: GURGLING OF HOT TUB
DARLING: My point is Gordon – are you actually wearing Speedos? Sorry, what I meant to say was: there's no need to be hasty and I need to see more detail … (PANIC) of Obama's plans.
BROWN: No way. We "fully support Obama's plan – kind of" – like the Tories. There's a bandwagon rolling our way Alistair, and I'm not getting on it without you. Otherwise it might look like Obama's proposal wasn't basically my idea.
DARLING: It wasn't.
BROWN: Exactly. Now listen up. There's a delegation of US officials in town this week – I'll invite them over for (FUNNY VOICE) "cocktails and canapés".
DARLING: No Gordon, that isn't a good idea.
BROWN: Sure it is: We can chat with the guys in the hot tub; and I'll wear my sexy Speedos for the ladies.
DARLING: (PANIC) No Gordon, that definitely isn't a good idea!
FX: LATER IN GARDEN: CHATTER AND GURGLING
BROWN: Thank you all for coming! Has everybody got a drink? Fantastic! Now perhaps you could jump in first Alistair Darling – make sure the water isn't too hot for the rest of us?
DARLING: No problem, I don't mind being the guinea pig! Ooh yeah! That is lovely. Hang on, something's wrong … the water's turning red!
BROWN: Don't worry! I used an additive that turns the water red if somebody does a little wee-wee in the hot tub.
GUESTS: (ALL GASP AND GROAN WITH DISGUST.)
MAN: I think I'll pass, man.
WOMAN: Oh that's gross! You Brits!
DARLING: (SHOUTS) Bloody hell Gordon, you could have told me!
The security level of the UK has been raised to brown trousers. This is higher than the standard level of red, white and blue which is what ever America tells Gordon it is.
1David Cameron believes governments should be willing to intervene in all families even if it costs millions. I don't see why it should cost millions, there's a bloke outside my school who wants to intervene in my family for free. And he says he's got puppies.
2David Cameron talks about broken Britain. It's not my fault my estates full of crack we can't afford proper cocaine like him.
3We would like to apologise for misreporting Nick Clegg's controversial advice on raising infants. When he said red faced, screaming little chaps shouldn't be given their bottle. He was in fact talking about his experiences working with Charles Kennedy.
4Gordon Brown has announced we're out of a recession based on the office of national statistics. Later today he will be announcing proof that; the sun will come out tomorrow, there's a pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow and he's walking on sunshine.
5David Cameron has said he is in touch with concerns of ordinary English people and is not an out of touch toff. He is planning to visit Albert Square next week to help the local community recover from the murder of Archie the Publican.
6I think families are closer than ever before. I'm in the same class as my grandmum and since mum married Denzil I'm my own step granddad.
7The Haitian man has survived in a collapsed building by lying on his side, eating sweets and drinking whiskey. Is now the front runner for Scottish minister for health.
8We would like to apologise for our mixing up of our report on Barrack Obama lifting the historic ban on the importation of haggises into the US. The haggis being a Scottish sheep's bladder full of offal and bollocks. And Gordon Brown's planned visit to the US.
9Chemical Ali has had 4 death sentences but they only hanged him once. Bloody liberal courts!
These apparently were surplus to requirements.
Voxpops:
Oh the Tories are right, the answer to over-crowded prisons has got to be prison ships. There's plenty of room left in Australia.
(MALE) Well the Holy Father is right, we in the Church do need to make more use of the Internet. I am online all the time. My log-in is Mandy, sixteen.
It's nonsense – I am ambidextrous, and I have no problem concentrating. Though on the other hand… Ooh, look a Twix wrapper.
Correction:
In last week's Naturejack segment we said that swans mated for life; in the light of the shock discovery of divorce among the Bewick swans of Slimbridge Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust, we would like to amend that to, "swans mate for life if given the right tax breaks".
It'll be rather good when I can use my clothes as a battery, like that I can save time and charge my phone in my trousers, on vibrate, again and again and again.
Correction
We'd like to apologise for instructing everyone to evacuate their homes and screaming 'we're all going to drown!' during last week's weather report. Unfortunately, we took the UN climate change specialist at face value when he said, 'we're all going to drown!'.
Hi I'm new at this comedy thing and the level of comedy rejected makes me see I have really a long way to go. this was my correction. not very good as I thought but I will try again next week.
Last week we reported that Madonna was trying to adopt a Haitian baby. However it turns out that the baby was in fact a US citizen who took offence at her offer and bit her ankles. Gary Coleman has since been jailed.
Quote: Tam-S @ January 28 2010, 2:03 PM GMT(Cheryl Cole)
I think the single for Haiti is a good idea, Simon, but I would have chosen a more up-beat song, like Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys.
Thought this was very funny
VOX POP #1
ne war criminal got executed this week; another one got a new job. Well, swings and roundabouts.
VOX POP #2:Britain's leading astronomer suspects there could be life and intelligence out there in forms we can't conceive. Well, hello! Kerry Katona.
CORRECTION #1:Last week we had reported on allegations that obese people were being told to eat more to qualify for stomach surgery. We are now aware that they were just having their cake and eating it.
CORRECTION #2:Last week we reported that a terrorist attack is highly likely, even though there is no intelligence to suggest a terrorist attack is imminent. We forgot to add. Boo!
Last one is most obvious but someones got to do it.