First attempt at Stand Up

My plan for 2010 is to do Stand Up...if only to tick it off my list of things to do before 40.

My route to this was going to be: A sample of my stuff here, refine that, a sample here that's OK, a Stand Up course, an open spot...

So in an effort to see if I pass the first hurdle - this is the first half of some stuff I've done. I know its a bit cliched to talk about yourself (be that sexuality, race, weight) but I hope I have a different issue to go with and it deals with the fact they are all thinking it anyway!

Thoughts?

------------------

Good evening.

I'm Mark. Yes, I am tall. Too tall really, 6 feet and 6 inches in my socks.
............
(only if anyone ohhh's!)

Don't Ohhhh. What you ohhhing for? This isn't an achievement, I didn't work out to get this, I wasn't down the gym – hanging from stuff. You can't ohhh unusual height. See a little dwarf, no one's going ohhh at the tiny fella. Not unless he just appears, in a puff of smoke – but then you're ohhhing the mystic, the magical element, not the stature.
............

Heights pretty pointless nowadays. In 2010 you got your ladders, steps, the long handled extension for your paint roller. There's no need for this.

I try and hide it, clothes that fit obviously. Anything extra, extra large. I shop online a lot but you gotta be careful. Goggle triple X clothing and you're often faced with something crotch-less and wipe clean.

Big clothes are what I need though. See then, from a distance, I'm in proportion, I don't look so tall. Which is fine till I'm approaching someone and they start talking before I get there. "Sorry, I didn't catch that, I was still over there" "Good God, you're tall"

My wife got me a tracksuit from this company that does clothing for big people. I mean huge clothing, for freaks really. Giant Hagrid motherf**kers. If your need stuff this big you're probably going to be in an E4 documentary at some point.

I had to roll the legs up, just my fingers poking out the sleeves. I looked, tiny in it. I went running and people were dodging out the way too soon. They were bracing for impact, I was 20 ft away. It was screwing with their depth perception.

See, up close everyone can see it. And they tell me, no hesitation. "Wow you're tall". "Ok, thanks, - I had my suspicions". And I'm saying thanks but I don't know why. It's not a compliment. It's not "wow, I like what you've done…vertically" "good job on that growing…upwards" It's "wow, you should know, your shape…that's pretty abnormal for a human…Most of us aren't like that"

And some people, strangers, they want details, straight away. Men often, straight in with a guess. Doesn't matter how I'm introduced. They need to known. "I'd like you meet Mark, he's works at MOD, looks after captured aliens" "Really? What you then mate, 6-4, 6-5, look about that? 6-5? What? 6-6, thought so"

Women can be worse though. See men aren't really too fussed with what other men think of how they look, as long as women are ok with it. I was in Asda last week, Marks and Spencer's car park was packed. I'm queuing to pay for my sandwich, and there's a tap on my back. Two women behind me. "Err, 'ow tall are you then". Quite an informal approach, quite direct, it's a little embarrassing, but I tell them and I go back to queuing.

Now, bear in mind what these two looked like. From the ground up - We've got leggings, I say leggings, at this point the materials more about containment than clothing, bit higher and the muffin tops given up, it's like a pelmet. Then there's breast…we aren't half way up yet. And ones got a kid and he's filthy and there's tattoos, and the women have them as well. Anyway, they're discussing me. I'm stood two feet in front of them. "Too much init, a bit weird" "yeah, I wouldn't want that" Excuse me? Now one of them spots a friend, she works there, she's on the till two isles down. "Err, Tracey. This guys 6ft6 what you think of that" "Nah, too big…too big don't you think" That one's now asking the woman in her queue. One of them gets a camera phone out.

I wasn't going to stand and listen to that. Left my sandwich on the side and walked out. Dignity enact, head held high. Then I hit it on the 10 items or less sign. Stupidly tall. Stupidly tall, officially, it's what they put in the accident report book.

Hi MrLewis. First off, I liked it. It had a good flow and could hear some personality come through, if you know what I mean.

The start

Quote: Mr Lewis @ January 25 2010, 5:28 PM GMT

Heights pretty pointless nowadays. In 2010 you got your ladders, steps, the long handled extension for your paint roller. There's no need for this.

View original

Wasn't my favourite part. Ladders must a pretty old invention so not very attached to the idea of 2010 in my mind, less so with steps and paint rollers but still not exactly cutting edge. Could you come at it the other way and give an example of how it would be useful back in the old days?

I try and hide it, clothes that fit obviously. Anything extra, extra large. I shop online a lot but you gotta be careful. Goggle triple X clothing and you're often faced with something crotch-less and wipe clean.

Is ok, but not as good as:

Big clothes are what I need though. See then, from a distance, I'm in proportion, I don't look so tall. Which is fine till I'm approaching someone and they start talking before I get there. "Sorry, I didn't catch that, I was still over there" "Good God, you're tall"

My wife got me a tracksuit from this company that does clothing for big people. I mean huge clothing, for freaks really. Giant Hagrid motherf**kers. If your need stuff this big you're probably going to be in an E4 documentary at some point.

I had to roll the legs up, just my fingers poking out the sleeves. I looked, tiny in it. I went running and people were dodging out the way too soon. They were bracing for impact, I was 20 ft away. It was screwing with their depth perception.

See, up close everyone can see it. And they tell me, no hesitation. "Wow you're tall". "Ok, thanks, - I had my suspicions". And I'm saying thanks but I don't know why. It's not a compliment. It's not "wow, I like what you've done…vertically" "good job on that growing…upwards" It's "wow, you should know, your shape…that's pretty abnormal for a human…Most of us aren't like that"

And some people, strangers, they want details, straight away. Men often, straight in with a guess. Doesn't matter how I'm introduced. They need to known. "I'd like you meet Mark, he's works at MOD, looks after captured aliens" "Really? What you then mate, 6-4, 6-5, look about that? 6-5? What? 6-6, thought so"

Women can be worse though. See men aren't really too fussed with what other men think of how they look, as long as women are ok with it. I was in Asda last week, Marks and Spencer's car park was packed. I'm queuing to pay for my sandwich, and there's a tap on my back. Two women behind me. "Err, 'ow tall are you then". Quite an informal approach, quite direct, it's a little embarrassing, but I tell them and I go back to queuing.

Now, bear in mind what these two looked like. From the ground up - We've got leggings, I say leggings, at this point the materials more about containment than clothing, bit higher and the muffin tops given up, it's like a pelmet. Then there's breast…we aren't half way up yet. And ones got a kid and he's filthy and there's tattoos, and the women have them as well. Anyway, they're discussing me. I'm stood two feet in front of them. "Too much init, a bit weird" "yeah, I wouldn't want that" Excuse me? Now one of them spots a friend, she works there, she's on the till two isles down. "Err, Tracey. This guys 6ft6 what you think of that" "Nah, too big…too big don't you think" That one's now asking the woman in her queue. One of them gets a camera phone out.

I wasn't going to stand and listen to that. Left my sandwich on the side and walked out. Dignity enact, head held high. Then I hit it on the 10 items or less sign. Stupidly tall. Stupidly tall, officially, it's what they put in the accident report book.

Really enjoyed this bit. The perception stuff was nice and the story to finish was goodun I thought. I don't do stand up myself so just saying what I thought really. No doubt others will have more experience to draw on in their comments.

I suppose the ladder stuff was making the point that being big has been pointless for years - I agree, not great - will re-do.

Also the XXX online is horrible...dont know why I left it in!

Some nice stuff in there, probably needs to be edited down a little but there's some nice ideas in it and it's well structured.

Love the word "pelmet", there's not enough references to pelmets in stand up these days.

I'm approaching someone and they start talking before I get there. "Sorry, I didn't catch that, I was still over there" "Good God, you're tall"

This is very good.

The XXX line was the funniest line in the whole thing! why would you remove it????

I also loved the line about how men guess at your height hahahaha

But sadly, the rest didn;t do it for me, but its a working piece right?

You must have had lots of humourous 'real' experiences being that tall. I was once walking down a street when this jeep clipped a Mazda. The Mazda beeped, and overtook the jeep, stopping right in front of it. A ghetto smurf walked out, f'ing and blinding, "f**king fool, you watch you watch!" he bangs on the jeeps window "you watch you watch! I'm gonna..." and the jeep driver steps out, he's 7 a 7 foot tall yhetti! The ghetto smurf continues "im gonna...call the po-lice!". Well I guess you had to be there. But you get the jist.

Quote: BJ Penn @ January 27 2010, 7:17 PM GMT

You must have had lots of humourous 'real' experiences being that tall.

View original

Not so much...basically its like anyone else's life with the addition of being told you should play basketball by people you have never met before.

I'll stick the rest up later, just needs a little working on.

Quote: Mr Lewis @ January 27 2010, 7:24 PM GMT

...its like anyone else's life with the addition of being told you should play basketball by people you have never met before.

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Perhaps you should just copy the whole Chris Rock routine, but change "niggaz" to "midgets". "I love short people man, don't get me wrong. But I really hate...midgets. Midgets be like all "i'm self suffucient. I change my own light bulbs"...that's what your supposed to do you dumb shit! I heard a midget the other day and he says, "I've never defrauded a 'kids eat free' restaurant by pretending to be under 8 years old". What do you want? a cookie? Ya'll probably don't hate midgets as much as me, being 6 ft 6 and all. For you, a midget has a purpose. They can give you a blow job, while your both standing up. Useless to a 6ft 6 guy. I can't get that, I hate f**king midgets man."

Quote: BJ Penn @ January 27 2010, 7:34 PM GMT

Perhaps you should just copy the whole Chris Rock routine,

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--- Or 're-work' a Bill Hicks gag as you did!

Quote: BJ Penn @ January 27 2010, 12:45 AM GMT

haha Christ got totally nailed on the cross. Hey on that subject, does anybody find it weird how Christians wear a cross on their necks and wait for the 3rd coming? that's like having a friend survive a frenzied knife attack, and wearing a machete knife around your neck to his homecoming party.

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Quote: Morrace @ January 27 2010, 2:42 AM GMT

Bill Hicks

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f**king cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant."

http://thinkexist.com/quotes/bill_hicks/

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I've seen Stephen Merchant live a couple of times now and obviously he has some similar material, but I can't remember how similar.

I would recommend getting to the first laugh a lot quicker - i.e get to the 'it's not an achievement' bit much sooner. Also cut back any extra words and get each line and gag down to the bare bones.

Nicely written but edit it down a little. You want to aim to cram as many laughs in as possible. People at comedy nights are impatient!

I thought the xxx line was the best line as well.

Quote: Morrace @ January 27 2010, 7:48 PM GMT

--- Or 're-work' a Bill Hicks gag as you did!

View original

Yeah Morris, I was making a reference to Mr Lewis's suggestion that I just copy Chris Rock etc. Just to clarify, I didn't rework Bill Hiks' joke. I have never heard that joke before, but it is an obvious observation. The joke developed out of another comedian (i forget who) commenting about 'British' outrage about muslim women wearing Bhurka's. He said something like "why can't they be normal, and wear an image of a slaughtered man, nailed by his hands and feet to a cross, around their necks." The sad thing about being an observationalist, is that somebody else is bound to have noticed it too! and in this case predated my off the cuff joke! Go to school!

Morris, I think that you are just jealous, that my reworking of Chris Rock's "I hate niggaz" routine was a lot funnier than anything that you have ever written. I only wrote it in a minute! I can sense that rage seeping from you. It's ok my friend. Go with Christ.

Quote: BJ Penn @ January 27 2010, 8:44 PM GMT

"why can't they be normal, and wear an image of a slaughtered man, nailed by his hands and feet to a cross, around their necks."

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Yet another 're-work' of the Bill Hicks gag.

Quote: BJ Penn @ January 27 2010, 8:44 PM GMT

I only wrote it in a minute!

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That's no excuse.

Hello Mr Lewis

For what it's worth from someone who has never done stand up here's my quick opinion. My main comment is I think you should ditch this bit:

Quote: Mr Lewis @ January 25 2010, 5:28 PM GMT

I'm Mark. Yes, I am tall. Too tall really, 6 feet and 6 inches in my socks.
............
(only if anyone ohhh's!)

Don't Ohhhh. What you ohhhing for? This isn't an achievement, I didn't work out to get this, I wasn't down the gym – hanging from stuff. You can't ohhh unusual height. See a little dwarf, no one's going ohhh at the tiny fella. Not unless he just appears, in a puff of smoke – but then you're ohhhing the mystic, the magical element, not the stature.
............

View original

First of all, is anyone going to "ohhh!"...? I doubt it very much, and you are putting yourself into a position where your set opening depends on a reaction. This is the most important bit you will do all night so I think you should know what you are going to say from the off and stick with it. Anyway, 6' 6" is very tall but not freakishly so and you might even find someone in the audience the same size or taller which could affect the audience if anyone makes a comment on it. More importantly, the audience have just seen you walk on stage. They can see you're tall. They aren't going to go ohhhh! all of a sudden just because you tell them you're tall. Also, it's at least arguable whether or not dwarfism is as liable to "ohhhs" as being tall - I would have thought a dwarf coming on stage would be more likely to generate a response than a tall person. Finally, this section isn't that funny.

You have a good chance to pay homage to Mae West's famous quote about the man who was six feet six inches, where she didn't care much about the six feet.

Like some others I liked the XXX gag and I reckon it would definitely get a good laugh. Use this sort of stuff at the start and you will get laughs.

Overall there is a nice flow but perhaps too much of one. Most of it is in nice sentences, and stand-ups don't talk in nice sentences. People don't talk in nice sentences. There are too many words, so try to trim it down to the bare essentials of gags. And good luck!