INT.LIVING ROOM
MARCUS, LARGER THAN LIFE IN ALL SENSES OF THE WORD, SLIGHTLY ARROGANT AND BALDING. HE ENTERS THE ROOM DRESSED IN A SMART SUIT, TROUSER PULLED UP TO HIGH.
LAYING ON THE SOFA IS PHILLIP. WE SEE ONLY HIS LEGS SLUMPED OVER THE ARMREST.
MARCUS
(opening the curtains)
Good morning world!
HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH
MARCUS
Rise and Shine!
PHILIP GROANS.
MARCUS
So, how was the interview?
PHILIP STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET. HE STRETCHES AND TURNS AROUND. HE IS WEARING A BATH ROBE WITH HIS TIE STILL ON, HAIR MATTED IN ALL DIRECTIONS. HANGING FROM HIS NECK IS A ROAD SIGN STATING 'DEAD END.
MARCUS
Ahhh, so you got the job then!
PHILIP
He was a twat.
MARCUS
And you told him that?...
PHILIP
Experience! To pack bloody shelves! Pfffft have you see that lady down the Asda? She's got no bloody legs, she has to frisby the naans onto the top shelf.
MARCUS
She's been employee of the month consecutively for the last three months I'll have you know.
ENTER STEPHANI - LATE 20'S BLONDE. HER CLOTHES WOULD ONLY SEE COORDINATED TO THE COLOUR BLIND.
STEPHANI
(out of breath)
That is much harder than it looks.
MARCUS
Where have you been?
STEPHANI
Practising.
PHILIP
Practising for what?
STEPHANI
Dog walking...
SHE PULLS A STIFF DOG LEAD IN BEHIND HER.
MARCUS
Is the lead really necessary?
PHILIP
(pointing)
Ha, that looks like an invisible dog.
MARCUS
I told you already there will be no animals in this house. You can't look after yourself, let alone a dog!
STEPHANI
Ahhhhh...
STEPHANIE PULLS A SMALL GADGET FROM HER POCKET AND SHOWS MARUCS.
MARCUS
And what might that be?...
STEPHANI
On my walk I popped into that new gadget shop on Bernard St, what's it called now?
PHILIP
Oh 'The Gadget Shop'.
STEPHANI
Yeah, I can't remember for the life of me what it's called.
MARCUS
No no no, the shop, it's called 'The Gadget Shop'!
STEPHANI
Yeah that's the one.
STEPHANI
They're selling these new virtual pets. They eat, sleep, poo...
MARCUS
...three of Philip's defining traits.
STEPHANI
...when he gets sad you have to give him an injection, it cheers him up.
MARCUS
Like a druggy...
STEPHANI
No, silly... more like a diabetic. I've named him Churchill.
MARCUS
As in... Winston?
STEPHANI
No, as in... Ohhh nooo noo noo!
PHILIP & STEPHANI
OHHH YESS!
PHILIP
Let us have a go.
STEPHANI KISSES IT THEN HANDS IT OVER.
STEPHANI
If I can look after a virtual pet, I should have no problem with a real one.
MARCUS
Yes because a pixelated junkie is very close to the real thing.
PHILIP
Didn't Aunt Sue's dog have a drug addiction? She was always giving him those blue pills. Every time we went round that dog was out of his face, running around, dragging its arse along the floor. Totally plastered.
MARCUS
He had worms.
PHILIP
Oh.
STEPHANI
Scientists say having a pet can actually extend your life.
MARCUS
God help me...
PHILIP
Dogs are very protective you know. Gavin from down the job centre, he's got one of those big ones, you know, the ones the police have.
STEPHANI
A truncheon?
MARCUS
You mean an Alsatian...a German Shepherd.
PHILIP
Its not German, he bought it off 'one eyed Bill' from down the market...without that dog he would have been put away years ago.
STEPHANI
Why's that?
PHILIP
Last Christmas Eve he got so rat faced, collapsed outside the old tavern, so they call the police, he's laying there pockets full of puff. You'll never guess what happened next...
MARCUS
Lassie arrived with a glass of milk and dry toast?
PHILIP
Wrong, but close. The dog came... it's only gone and dragged him home.
MARCUS
(sarcastic)
The dog dragged him home?
PHILIP
Look, Gav doesn't lie... it's what he told me, bitch dragged him home.
STEPHANI
Wow, what a dog.
Marcus
Is he still with Sue?
PHILIP
Yeah, shes a right bitch.
MARCUS
Anyway I better be off, some of us have a job to go to... Oh yeah! I need you two to keep an eye out...
PHILIP
Look I couldn't make it to the toilet it was either your hat or on the floor.
MARCUS
What?
PHILIP
Er, nothing.
MARCUS
Anyway... I spoke to Barry downstairs and he said there's a group of guys going around, sales men of some sort. Deidre let them in and they stole her handbag so just be vigilant.
PHILIP IS PLAYING ON THE VIRTUAL PET.
PHILIP
No Problemo, Su casa es Mi casa.
STEPHANI
Wow, you speak Irish!
PHILIP
Haha, he did a poop.
MARCUS
Just keep an eye out.
MARCUS LEAVES
INT. LIVING ROOM
PHILIP IS SITTING DOWN PLAYING THE COMPUTER. DOOR BELLS RINGS.
PHILIP
Come in, Door's open!
MAN WALKS IN HIS IS WEARING WHILE PLASTIC OVERALLS.
PHILIP
(playing computer)
Mate! You look like you've jumped out of a Durex advert!
IN WALKS STEPHANI WITH TEA.
STEPHANI
Oh hello, would you like a cuppa?
MAN
(hesitant)
Err... sure...
STEPHANI
Sit down, I'll bring it right through.
HE SITS DOWN SLOWLY NEXT TO PHILIP.
PHILIP
You wouldn't believe how long I've been stuck on this level. You gotta blow up the tank, take down the helicopter, then kill the robbers before they get in... So who exactly are you? And whats with the dodgey outfit?
IN WALKS STEPHANI WITH ANOTHER CUP, SHE POURS THE MAN SOME TEA.
MAN
Thanks, I'm from A-R-S-E Removals...
PHILIP
A-R-S-E, ARSE removals!?... Well, I have been rather constipated.
MAN
Asbestos. Removal. Service. Experts. I believe your home could be riddled with asbestos.
PHILIP
Asbestos?
STEPHANI
Ooo, my brothers got one of those and a tag on his leg, he's not allowed within 3 miles of a 'Wimpy'. I did tell him a 'Bender in a bun' was a round sausage and not the cashier being a homophobe.
PHILIP
Yeah, Gav's got one of those, and the dog.
MAN
I think you've misunderstood, I'm talking about asbestos - the possible life threating fibrous material found in...
MAN LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM.
MAN
...errm found in many common electrical appliances.
PHILIP
Wait a minute...
MAN STARTS GETTING NERVOUS.
PHILIP
I know what you're up to!..
MAN GOES TO DEFEND HIMSELF.
MAN
I... I...
PHILIP
(turns towards the man)
They're coming through the back door, how did I not guess? What a plum, what was it you were saying...
MAN WIPES HIS BROW
MAN
Well... yes... asbestos the very dangerous material found in many household electrical appliances.
PHILIP
Really? Never heard of the stuff. What's it do?
MAN
Pfff, where do I start? In a young man like you... Well it has been known to cause several ailments including erectile dysfunction...
PHILIP
Erectile dysfunction!? trust me mate I've been with some right munters, nothing stops sergeant salty standing to attention.
MAN
Well not to mention the possible growth of male breast tissue...
PHILLIP LOOKS UP AS IF IN A DREAM WORLD VISUALISING HIMSELF WITH BREASTS.
PHILIP
Tits?.. We can work around that.
STRUGGLING TO THINK OF SOMETHING THE MAN PICKS UP A PHOTO FRAME WITH A PICTURE OF MARUCS.
MAN
It has also been known to cause severe hair loss... In both sexes!
PHILIP THROWS THE GAME CONTROLLER AWAY FROM HIMSELF.
PHILIP
Fook that, I'm not turning out like him.
STEPHANI
Natalie Portman made a pretty bald. Britney spears... not so much.
PHILIP
I still would.
PHILIP IS CHECKING HIS HAIR.
PHILIP
So, how exactly do we get rid of this stuff?
MAN
We will need to remove everything electrical from the premises as soon as possible. That way we can test it, clean it and bring it back, good as new.
PHILIP
Well what the hell are we waiting for?
THEY BEGIN MOVING THE TV, GAME CONSOLE AND MANY OTHER ELECTRICAL ITEMS.
INT. LIVING ROOM
STEPAHNI AND PHILIP ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR IN AN EMPTY ROOM.
Phillip
It's weird, I didn't know the settee was electrical...
STEPHANI
Something to do with solar panels..
IN WALKS MARCUS.
MARCUS
Excuse me.
THINKING HE HAS WALKED INTO THE WRONG HOUSE HE WALKS STRAIGHT BACK OUT.
(BEAT)
MARCUS SLOWLY MAKES HIS WAY INTO THE ROOM, JAW DROPPED.
PHILIP
Fear not for your erections are safe in here.
STEPHANI
And your hair... oh... yeah... well your...
STEPHANI LOOKS AT MARCUS' CHEST.
STEPHANI
1 out of 3's not bad.
MARCUS
(stuttering)
My furniture... where is my furniture?!
PHILIP
Look, you can thank us later.
MARCUS
Where is my furniture? The TV, the settee... My Victorian vase!
STEPHANI
Relax, relax! It's being cleaned, have you never heard of asbestos?
MARCUS
Asbestos?
PHILIP
Yes, asbestos. The deadly fibrous material found in electrical appliances. And surprisingly in a few Victorian vases...
STEPHANI
(fingers sunlight coming down)
and the Settee, solar panels.
MARCUS
Asbestos...
STEPHANI
Yes, it probably caused your baldness.
PHILIP
And your man tits.
MARCUS IS SPEECHLESS.
PHILIP
Look, relax. It's all been taken care of and will be delivered back tomorrow... Nothing to worry about, they've even given us their card if there are any problems.
PHILIP PULLS A WHITE CARD FROM HIS POCKET.
PHILIP
(flipping the card around)
Dudddaaaa!... Idiots... They've forgot to print on it.
MARCUS
Asbestos is found in walls Phillip, WALLS! This house was built in 2005. The year asbestos was banned...
PHILIP
In walls?
MARCUS
Yes! insulation, in walls!
PHILIP
Wait a minute, so you're telling me asbestos is found in walls but not our walls?
MARCUS
Correct!
PHILIP
So why did they take the TV?
STEPHANI
And they took my Churchy.
MARCUS
Who?
STEPHANI
My virtual pet. I've been getting updates all afternoon, he's not happy.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS. STEPHANI GRABS HER MOBILE FROM HER POCKET.
STEPHANI
...another poo.
MARCUS
There's more pressing matters than your stupid bloody pet.
PHILIP
Wait a minute. Asbestos is found in walls? But not our walls?.. I think we've been robbed!
MARCUS
No shit Sherlock!
PHILIP
Oh, I didn't even get to finish the level I was on.
MARCUS
You traded the content of my house for a piece of paper...
PHILIP
(flicking the card)
Card actually.
MARCUS
Oh card, great! Maybe you can fold it into a new frickin' television!
PHILIP
Don't do origami, but my mate Woo Tang from down the job centre... He's amazing at it.
MARCUS
Who?
PHILIP
Woo. We call him Lee for short, he came 3rd in the world origami championship. You know he actually sailed here from China.
MARCUS
So?
PHILIP
He folded the boat from paper.
MARCUS
Do you believe everything you hear?
PHILIP
Fine. Don't believe me. You should see his house.
STEPHANI
(looking at her phone)
Well, at least they haven't gone too far.
MARCUS
No-body cares about your stupid little pet! Wait, wait what did you say?
STEPHANI
They haven't gone far... They're just a couple of blocks down on Cranston Street.
MARCUS
And how do you possibly know that?
PHILIP
I told you she was psychic.
STEPHANI
No silly, I made sure I could track Churchy down in case he ever ran away... So I linked him up to my I-Phone with this new 'Google Map'app. connected via WAP.
MARCUS
In one sentence you're both completely insane and a genius!
MARCUS HUGS STEPANI.
PHILIP
I don't get it...
MARCUS
Give me that phone!
INT. LIVING ROOM
ALL THE FURNITURE IS RETURNED. MARCUS PHILIP AND STEPHANI ARE SEATED. PHILIP IS PLAYING THE COMPUTER, STEPHANI IS FIDDLING WITH HER PET.
MARCUS
Well that was lucky.
PHILIP
I know, I actually remembered to save the level.
MARCUS
I'm talking about the furniture and capturing those criminals you buffoon.
PHILIP
Yeah, that was pretty cool. Apart from that guy with the scar on his face. He wasn't happy. What was it he said? If he ever saw your fat bald head again... He would...
MARCUS
...he would cut a cheek off my hairy arse and sew it to my head like a toupee.
PHILIP
Ahh, they all say that.
STEPHANI
Well at least I got Churchy back, good as new.
(baby voice)
Who's a good little boy?
VIRTUAL PET BEGINS BEEPING LIKE CRAZY.
STEPHANI
Nooooooo!
STEPHANI DROPS TO HER KNEES.
MARCUS
What's wrong? What's wrong?
STEPHANI
He's... He's dead.
MARCUS
Don't worry Steph, you don't need a pet anyway?
STEPHANI
I do! I loved him, the way he beeped, his smile after his injection, the way he moved across the screen... Left... Left... Then right.
MARCUS
I feel your pain.
PHILIP
There's a reset button on the back.
MARCUS LOOKS AT PHILIP ANGRILY.
MARCUS
Great spot, Phillip!
STEPHANI
There is! Quick, pass me a pen! (BEAT) He's alive!
MARCUS
Wohhayy! It's like Easter Sunday all over again.
STEPHANI
I'll name this one... Heinz!
MARCUS
As in the baked bean?
STEPHANI
No, silly! After Heinz Heinrich Nordhoff the great German engineer.
MARCUS SHAKES HIS HEAD BEMUSEDLY.
PHILIP
Well, we know the moral of this story...
MARCUS
Don't let strangers into your home?
PHILIP
Nope.
STEPHANI
You can cheat death by pressing the reset button?
PHILIP
Err... No.
MARCUS
What then?
STEPHANI
Yeah what?
PHILIP
When in doubt... There is always Google.
END
