My NJ Sketch - read it, it's topical!

MILES JUPP:

Gordon Brown has been in the news again. No real f**king surprise, what with him being the Prime Minister of Great Britain and all. This week, we're going to present a tiresome sketch about the Iraq War inquiry, which no one gives a shit about. But it's been in the news and it's either this or some jokes about dead Haitians.

GORDON BROWN:

I've got one eye, I'm miserable and nobody likes me.

VO: Biting satire!

CHILCOT DUDE:

Can you tell us how the war started?

GORDON BROWN:

Yes, the Pandorans wouldn't let the Earth people steal their stuff.

VO: Topical!

CHILCOT DUDE:

No, the war with Iraq, how did it start?

GORDON BROWN:

It was the fault of the Liberal Democrats.

CHILCOT DUDE:

The Liberal Democrats?

GORDON BROWN:

Yes, Charles Kennedy thought Saddam had WKDs and ordered an attack on Baghdad.

VO: Charles Kennedy is an alcoholic! Laugh now!

LORD MANDELSON:

Sorry I'm late Gordy, I had trouble getting my skates off.

GORDON BROWN:

Your skates?

LORD MANDELSON:

Yes, I'm competing in Dancing On Ice!

VO: It's on the telly now! Super topical!

GORDON BROWN:

That explains why you're wearing a spandex tutu…on a Thursday!

VO: He's queer! Geddit?

LORD MANDELSON:

Enough about my homosexuality, did you hear that Tony Blair might be making an appearance at the enquiry?

GORDON BROWN:

Not Tony Blair! That is like Robbie Williams rejoining Take That!

VO: Cultural music reference!

GORDON BROWN:

What are we going to do? No one likes being on telly and the centre of attention like Tony.

LORD MANDELSON:

Don't worry Gordon, I've had a word with Channel 4 and they're going to put him in the Celebrity Big Brother house. That way he can say what he likes and no one will pay him any notice.

VO: Topical! Cultural reference! Biting satire!

FEMALE PERFORMER:

I've been sat here for hours and haven't said a f**king thing!

LORD MANDELSON:

Don't worry love, you can wheel out your shite Cheryl Cole accent for our next sketch, which is X Factor once again, even though it's been off air for weeks.

FEMALE PERFORMER:

Wi-iy the Toon!

GORDON BROWN:

Oh Mandy…

VO: Start laughing and applauding now you brain dead clap monkeys!

MILES JUPP:

Remember to keep sending in the jokes folks. Because without wannabe writers, we'd have no listening audience at all. Bye suckas!

Wow. That's so... meta.

Dude.

Quote: Griff @ January 25 2010, 10:33 PM GMT

Tell me about the audience at the Sitcom Mission again?

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All industry bods who want to buy my fantastic sitcom script...and Mila Jovavich...who wants to have sex with me. Probably.

That's all a bit snide, Carpark. Shame coming from soneone who has submitted stuff to Newsjack and been in the audience too.

P.S. Some of your lovely industry people going to see the Sitcom Mission (if you make the final 16) might also work on BBC radio comedy shows. Good luck with that!

Oh come on, this is in Critique, at least judge it on its merits.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 25 2010, 10:46 PM GMT

Oh come on, this is in Critique, at least judge it on its merits.

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Fair enough. It's too long.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 25 2010, 10:28 PM GMT

FEMALE PERFORMER:

I've been sat here for hours and haven't said a f**king thing!

LORD MANDELSON:

Don't worry love, you can wheel out your shite Cheryl Cole accent for our next sketch, which is X Factor once again, even though it's been off air for weeks.

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Nice

Quote: Griff @ January 25 2010, 10:44 PM GMT

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Judging by the reaction, I've hit a raw nerve, so I therefore judge my sketch an overwhelming success.

As for comparing Newsjack with The Sitcom Trials - if I do make it to the final 16, at least they won't pull my sitcom at the last minute and replace it with some unfunny topical piece o' crap written by someone else.

Quote: Griff @ January 25 2010, 11:05 PM GMT

Err... isn't that exactly what's about to happen to 50 percent of the finalists?

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That's why I done wrote 'if I make it to the final 16'. Luckily the selection process for The Sitcom Mission doesn't involve a staff writer who can come up with more topical routines the day before.

Therefore, if...and it's a big if...I make it to the final 16, then I know my work will be performed.

My sketch isn't about having a pop about those who've submitted jokes to Newsjack, it's about the overwhelmingly bland, obvious and mirthless sketches they impose on the listening audience. (Not the stuff submitted by BCG Members, obviously)

I've met writers from this site who've had to change their comedy style radically and detrimentally in the hopes of getting something on the radio. It's like an Orwellian double speak censorship deal or some shit like that.

As for BBC Radio judges determining whether my Sitcom Mission script lives or dies - it will die.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 25 2010, 11:16 PM GMT

As for BBC Radio judges determining whether my Sitcom Mission script lives or dies - it will die.

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An hour ago I would have disagreed with this statement.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 25 2010, 11:16 PM GMT

That's why I done wrote 'if I make it to the final 16'. Luckily the selection process for The Sitcom Mission doesn't involve a staff writer who can come up with more topical routines the day before.

Therefore, if...and it's a big if...I make it to the final 16, then I know my work will be performed.

My sketch isn't about having a pop about those who've submitted jokes to Newsjack, it's about the overwhelmingly bland, obvious and mirthless sketches they impose on the listening audience. (Not the stuff submitted by BCG Members, obviously)

I've met writers from this site who've had to change their comedy style radically and detrimentally in the hopes of getting something on the radio. It's like an Orwellian double speak censorship deal or some shit like that.

As for BBC Radio judges determining whether my Sitcom Mission script lives or dies - it will die.

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Backtrack any quicker and you'll trip yourself.

Griff - I'm a rock and roll comedy rebel, so take that Radio Comedy. Yeah.

Badge - Just trying to be diplomatic.

I knew I should have written a sketch about 'Grand Designs: Haiti', it seems taking the piss out of dead foreigners is less controversial then poking fun at Newsjack.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 25 2010, 11:40 PM GMT

Badge - Just trying to be diplomatic.

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Sometimes Carpark is just too diplomatic. He kinda loops around past infinity back to "deliberately provocative".

And when I say "deliberately provocative", I'm being diplomatic.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 25 2010, 11:40 PM GMT

it seems taking the piss out of dead foreigners is less controversial then poking fun at Newsjack.

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That's because dead foreigners aren't looking for topics relevant to the week's news.