Different old masters sketch

Probably flogging one of them horses that are dead, but let me know what you think. Scratchyr.

INT. A CLASSROOM. DAY

A TEACHER IS TAKING A CLASS.

TEACHER:
Ok so that's how you...What are you doing Albert?

CUT TO ALBERT. HE IS DRESSED AS A FINE ARTIST, SMOCK, BEARD ETC.

ALBERT:
Nothing Miss.

TEACHER:
Bring it here.

ALBERT PULLS A LARGE CANVAS OUT FROM UNDER HIS DESK. HE WALKS TO FRONT OF THE CLASS AND HANDS IT TO THE TEACHER.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
And what's this supposed to be?

ALBERT:
A lady Miss.

TEACHER:
What is she wearing?

ALBERT:
A hat Miss.

TEACHER:
And?

ALBERT:
A necklace Miss.

TEACHER:
Do you think this is a fitting subject for the classroom?

ALBERT STRUGGLES FOR AN ANSWER

TEACHER:
Quickly

ALBERT:
No miss.

TEACHER:
No Miss. Now please sit down and from now on try to divert your efforts from such inflamed displays.

THE TEACHER PUTS THE CANVAS FACE DOWN ON HER DESK.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
It's shame the Headmistress was here to see this.

CUT TO HEADMISTRESS. SHE IS THE LADY IN THE PAINTING AND IS NAKED EXCEPT FOR A HAT AND A NECKLACE.

END.

Very nice revel gag at the end. Maybe just try to get there a little quicker, or give us a little chortle half way through.

I was going for the hat / necklace as a chortle. Not working you think?
What would you chop BF?

Maybe this?

Although your dialogue is always pleasing - so maybe it's fine the way you had it.

Quote: scratchyr @ January 24 2010, 2:17 PM GMT

Probably flogging one of them horses that are dead, but let me know what you think. Scratchyr.

INT. A CLASSROOM. DAY

A TEACHER IS TAKING A CLASS.

TEACHER:
Ok so that's how you...What are you doing Albert?

CUT TO ALBERT. HE IS DRESSED AS A FINE ARTIST, SMOCK, BEARD ETC.

ALBERT:
Nothing Miss.

TEACHER:
Bring it here.

ALBERT PULLS A LARGE CANVAS OUT FROM UNDER HIS DESK. HE WALKS TO FRONT OF THE CLASS AND HANDS IT TO THE TEACHER.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
A naked lady! Disgusting, mindless filth.

ALBERT:
She's wearing a hat Miss <BEAT> and a necklace.

TEACHER:
Do you think this is a fitting subject for the classroom?

ALBERT:
No miss. Sorry Miss.

TEACHER:
No Miss. Now please sit down and from now on try to divert your efforts from such inflamed displays.

THE TEACHER PUTS THE CANVAS FACE DOWN ON HER DESK.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
It's a shame the Headmistress was here to see this.

CUT TO HEADMISTRESS. SHE IS THE LADY IN THE PAINTING AND IS NAKED EXCEPT FOR A HAT AND A NECKLACE.

END.

View original

Thanks, I like it. Do you think still ok if:

ALBERT PULLS A LARGE CANVAS OUT FROM UNDER HIS DESK. HE WALKS TO FRONT OF THE CLASS AND HANDS IT TO THE TEACHER.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
Disgusting, mindless filth.

ALBERT:
She's wearing a hat Miss <BEAT> and a necklace.

TEACHER:
Do you think this is a fitting subject for the classroom?

ALBERT:
No miss. Sorry Miss.

Just removed the naked lady form the line, as it might take away from the hat / necklace.

Yes, I concur that is better.

As I say others may think that is there not a lot wrong with the first version. But as there is only one real gag, best to get there quick.

So people on these boards have told me.

I liked the first version, but in a visual format, how is the audience going to know that the naked lady shown at the end is the Headmistress?

Maybe just wearing a mortarboard hat and necklace?

Also maybe:

TEACHER (CONT'D)
And what's this supposed to be?

ALBERT:
A lady Miss.

TEACHER:
What is she wearing?

ALBERT:
A hat Miss.

TEACHER:
And?

ALBERT:
A necklace Miss.

TEACHER:
And?

ALBERT:
Only a smile, Miss.

Thanks Billwill, Yeah I was hoping that the description would help make the connection coupled with the teacher's last line but if you think it's still a bit weak an extra hint like the mortarboard hat could work.
Or maybe the teacher could direct the last line towards her?

TEACHER (CONT'D)
I'm sorry you had to see this Headmistress.

CUT TO HEADMISTRESS. SHE IS THE LADY IN THE PAINTING AND IS NAKED EXCEPT FOR A HAT AND A NECKLACE.

END.

Or something.

> TEACHER (CONT'D)
> I'm sorry you had to see this Headmistress.

would have to be:

TEACHER (CONT'D)
I'm going to show this to the Headmistress!

===================================================
<later>

Hmmm, just realised the main snag with this sketch is that a REAL ART MISTRESS would not object to a nude painting done by a pupil.

I mean this in a very friendly way, Why would it have to be that? I only ask as I would very much like to know the reasons why this is more apt. Not being rude, just trying to learn.

> I'm sorry you had to see this Headmistress.

That would be the dialogue you would use if the Headmistress was already in the classroom or if the teacher was talking to the Headmistress on the phone.

Neither of which are the case?

I didn't see a lot wrong with that line in the first version. It gets the job done.

Ok, The headmistress is meant to be in the class already (almost like a model), but not revealed until the end.

Originally I had a line about "Do you think it's wise to have these class inspections headmistress?" to explain her presence, but changed it to the one above. Maybe I'm being too confusing.

Quote: scratchyr @ January 24 2010, 3:27 PM GMT

Ok, The headmistress is meant to be in the class already (almost like a model), but not revealed until the end.

View original

Hmmm, I don't think that makes sense. If the teacher had set up the Headmistress as a model, she would not be telling off the pupil.

Perhaps I am toooo logical & over-analysing the joke.

One scenario that would work is that at the end instead of a CUT TO, the camera pans out of the window accross a courtyard to the Headmistress' office window & through the window we see that she is nude apart from a mortarboard and necklace (which is what the pupil was painting).

Alternative is to reverse the whole thing.

Frosty, prudish headmistress, walks into an art class & has the telling-off dialogue with the pupil & concludes by saying she want to report him to the Art Mistress & then we pan around and see behind a screen (where the HM could not see initially) that the Art Mistress is acting as her own Live Class model in hat & necklace only.

But that version isn't very funny :-(

I hope you don't mind but here is my take on your sketch. I quite liked it, just thought it needed rejigging.

MY TAKE

INT. A CLASSROOM. DAY

MS SMITH IS WRITING ON THE BOARD, WITH HER BACK TO THE CLASS.

MS SMITH:
Ok, do you all understand that? [MS SMITH LOOKS BACK TO CLASS]What are you doing Albert?

CUT TO: ALBERT DRESSED AS A FINE ARTIST, SMOCK, BEARD ETC. HE QUICKLY PULLS A CANVAS UNDER THE TABLE.

ALBERT:
Nothing Miss.

MS SMITH:
Come on, bring it here.

ALBERT PULLS THE CANVAS FROM UNDER HIS DESK. HE WALKS TO MS SMITH AND HANDS HER THE CANVAS.

MS SMITH (CONT'D)
And what's this supposed to be?

ALBERT:
A lady Miss.

MS SMITH:
What is she wearing?

ALBERT:
A hat, Miss.

MS SMITH:
And what are those? [POINTS AT PAINTING]

ALBERT:
Tassels, Miss.

MS SMITH:
Do you really think this is a fitting subject for the classroom?

ALBERT STRUGGLES FOR AN ANSWER

ALBERT:
Well [HE LOOKS AT MS SMITH'S ANGRY EXPRESSION]...I suppose not, Miss.

THE TEACHER PUTS THE CANVAS FACE DOWN ON HER DESK.

MS SMITH (CONT'D)
Well, you've embarrassed yourself haven't you? But worst of all the headmistress has witnessed it all.

CUT TO: HEADMISTRESS. SHE IS THE LADY IN THE PAINTING AND IS NAKED EXCEPT FOR A HAT AND NIPPLE TASSELS.

END.