Hey you guys, check out my baby, and tell me if he is ugly. it's a sitcom about judges, in the topsy turvey world of criminal injustice. It sucks, but before I completely rewrite it, I wouldn't mind some of your harshest criticism.
'Wiggers'
FADE IN:
Opening title music (Metallica/And Justice For All) and
A hammer banging over opening shot.
The camera pans along the corridors of the Crown Court and then
past the 'Resident Judge's' room and a safety sign on his door 'Mind Your Head' and then Into the Court Room through the judges entrance.
The opening credits runover this as follows:
'Wiggers'
Music Out (Metallica/And Justice For All) and character HHJ Kimble's head is in shot – he finishes his banging. A Goldfish swims in his water jug.
__________________
SCENE 1. INT. JUDGE KIMBLE'S COURT ROOM.
KIMBLE IS SITTING, ON HIS DESK, COMPLETING A 'JOIN-THE-DOTS' PUZZLE.
PROSECUTION COUNSEL CAN BE HEARD, OUT OF VIEW, TALKING IN THE BACKGROUND
PROSECUTION COUNSEL IN VIEW. DEFENCE COUNSEL IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM. DEFENDANT IN DOCK. JURY IN COURT.
PROSECUTOR:
... members of the jury, the prosecution seek to prove to you that this "Defendant" is guilty of the said attempted robbery... Your Honour, I now call Mr Jaffry to the stand.
MR JAFFRY WALKS PROUDLY INTO COURT, INTO WITNESS STAND, AND SWEARS OATH.
PROSECUTOR:
Now, Mr Jaffry, please give your full name to the court.
MR JAFFRY:
My name Mr Harvinderjit Jaffry the third, sir.
PROSECUTOR:
And your occupation?
MR JAFFRY:
I am owner, of shop sir, Harvey's Newsagents.
PROSECUTOR:
So in your own words Mr Jaffry tell us what happened on that night...10th December 2008.
MR JAFFRY:
Well Sir, he came in shop innit. I grew suspicious sir...
PROSECUTOR:
What caused you to be suspicious Mr Jaffry?
MR JAFFRY
Well, it was his beard innit. Yes, his beard sir. I knew from the moment he walk in that a man with such a beard could not have honest intentions.
PROSECUTOR:
Urm...was there anything that he did, at that stage, that aroused suspicion within you?
MR JAFFRY:
(Proudly) Not a thing sir!...A man with a moustache, he can lead armies into battle. But beardy, he wants a trouble sir.
PROSECUTOR:
Right...
INTERRUPTED BY BANGING NOISE
KIMBLE BANGS HIS HAMMER. BANG BANG! BANG BANG!
HHJ KIMBLE:
Prosecutor, I won't have this. Quite clearly the witness is describing a beardy fellow. The Defendant sits in the dock, with a face like a baby's arse, so to speak.
PROSECUTOR:
Yes your honour, but clearly...
INTERRUPTED. BANG BANG! BANG BANG!
HHJ KIMBLE:
Well clearly a case of mistaken identity! Men with beards are a drain on this system, counsel, and the courts are not impressed when clean faced, innocent hard working citizens are erroneously swept into court proceedings! And the Court of Appeal have the gall to question my criticism of the Clown Prosecution Service. The confused procrastination service! The crap poncey service! The...
PROSECUTOR:
Ah... your honour I believe that Mr Jaffry...
INTERRUPTED.BANG BANG BANG BANG!
HHJ KIMBLE:
Yes yes counsel, don't try to make a fool out of me in my own courtroom.
GIVES PROSECUTOR AN UNWARRANTED LOOK OF CONTEMPT
HHJ KIMBLE:
It has just hit me that the Defendant could have shaved in the meantime.
PROSECUTOR:
But your hon...
INTERRUPTED. BANG BANG! BANG BANG!
HHJ KIMBLE:
Yes yes, that leaves us with the insurmountable difficulty, that here we have a description of a prickly degenerate thug, yet in the dock stands a picture of 'smooth to the touch' innocence.
PROSECUTOR TRIES TO GET A WORD IN, BUT IS TOO WEARY OF INTERRUPTING HHJ KIMBLE WHILST HE IS TALKING TO HIMSELF
HHJ KIMBLE:
Now this is a pickle...well, what can one do?... I have it! Simon, may I have a quick word with you.
CLERK APPROACHES THE BENCH
HHJ KIMBLE:
(Whispers to clerk) Is that Fancy dress shop around the corner still open?
CUT TO:
--------------------------
SCENE 2. INT. JUDGE KIMBLE'S COURT ROOM. 30 MINUTES LATER.
DEFENDANT IS NOW WEARING A FALSE BEARD
MR JAFFRY:
Well then sir, he...
DRAMATICALLY PULLS HIS HAND UP IN THE AIR AND POINTS IT AT THE JURY
MR JAFFRY:
He take a gun!
A FEMALE JURY MEMBER FLINCHES, AND GASPS.
PROSECUTOR PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS
MR JAFFRY:
He say, give me you money you f'ing bugger. I'm gonna f' you up the f'ing...
INTERRUPTED BY PROSECUTOR
PROS:
Now, Mr Jaffry!...
INTERRUPTED BY HHJ KIMBLE
HHJ KIMBLE:
Yes Mr Jaffry, I think that the prosecutor interrupted you to say that you must use real evidence...The language that was used at the time, no matter how rude, MUST be repeated here in court. What was it he said? 'F**k'?
MR JAFFRY NODS
HHJ KIMBLE:
So you see, you can say all these words, f**king shit, shit the f**k. You know, if I turned to the prosecutor now and said (ADDRESSES PROSECUTOR DIRECTLY) you f**ker...f**k face..shitting f**k...(GETS CARRIED AWAY) You f**king bag of shit, useless! I'm going to squash you like a bug you arse kissing pompous ponce! (ATTEMPTS TO LUNGE OUT OF HIS SEAT)
STOPPED BY CLERK
CLERK:
Leave it your honour, he's not worth it!
PROSECUTOR LOOKS VISIBLY PERTURBED
HHJ KIMBLE:
(REGAINS COMPOSURE) Ahem, I'm sorry...I lost my trail of thought...now where was I?...Oh yes, well Mr Jaffry...if you witnessed me say that to the prosecutor, you would have to repeat it, word for word, in court. You see?
MR JAFFRY NODS PROUDLY
PROSECUTOR
(STILL SHAKEN FROM KIMBLE'S SCATHING ATTACK) Thanks...your Honour. What I was trying to say... before you, urm..was that Mr Jaffry seems to be mistaken in his evidence. (LOUDLY) You didn't mention anything to do with a gun to the police Mr Jaffry...
MR JAFFRY:
Oh yes, sorry boss. The armed robbery was on 11th innit. On 10th...(DRAMATICALLY) that man stolen Chocolate Freddo!
PROSECUTOR PUTS HANDS IN FACE, AS IF HE CAN NO LONGER TOLERATE THE PAIN.
DEFENDANT:
Um, do you want me to hold my hand to make it look like I have a gun?
HHJ KIMBLE:
Yes, very helpful Mr Groves.
DEFENDANT:
You can call me Mr Grooves. It's my dj name.
DEFENCE COUNSEL:
Your honour may I have a brief word with my client?
JUDGE MOTIONS THAT IT IS OKAY.
DEFENCE COUNSEL APPROACHES DOCK.
DEFENCE COUNSEL:
(TO DEFENDANT) Keep quiet you twit. (WALKS BACK TO HIS SEAT)
PROSECUTOR:
Now where were we? Oh Yes, well we will get to the Freddo. Did he say anything as he approached you?
MR JAFFRY:
He would have say something sir, but I did not give chance! I took the bat, and chase him!
PROSECUTOR
But you told the police that this man tried to rob you? He must have said something that lead you to believe that?
MR JAFFRY:
Oh yes sir, (DRAMATICALLY) I could see it in his eyes!
JURY GASPS
Pros
You mean to say that he didn't try to take anything?
ME JAFFRY:
Oh yes sir, I tell you he have Freddo in his hand... He came up to me sir, I see the beard, and I start to think about the family. No I won't risk it! I jump over counter and chase him with bat. He run, and he take the Freddo like a coward!
KIMBLE BANGS HAMMER.
HHJ KIMBLE:
Now now, I won't have this. I won't have it I tell you! We've been sitting through this evidence for...
INTERRUPTED BY PROSECUTOR
PROSECUTOR
Yes your Honour, and there appears to be a lack of evidence...
BANG BANG! INTERRUPTED BY THE BANGING OF HHJ KIBMBLE'S HAMMER
HHJ KIMBLE:
Interrupt me again prosecutor, and I will use this hammer to pulverise your intestines...which I would have ripped out with my very hands!...What I was trying to say was that we are deep into the evidence, and I haven't a pigs fart of a clue what a ruddy Freddo is.
MR JAFFRY:
Chocolate Frog sir
HHJ KIMBLE:
A chocolate frog?...Now this I have to see!
PROS
Very well, With your Honour's leave, I wish to adduce exhibit A, a chocolate Freddo.
CLERK HANDS HHJ KIMBLE THE FREDDO
HHJ KIMBLE STARES AT IT WITH FASCINATION
PROS
Your Honour, if the jury can now see it.
HHJ KIMBLE:
(LOOKS AT THE JURY, SPOTS A FAT MAN) No, they shan't!... I... I mean they can see it from up here. It's a ruddy chocolate frog, not the bleeding 'Malteser Falcon' for God's sake!...Anyhoo, all this talk of Freddo's and Maltesers is making me hungry. I think we'll break for lunch.
CUT TO:
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SCENE 3. INT. JUDGE KIMBLE'S CHAMBERS
HHJ KIMBLE IS RESTING HIS FEET ON HIS DESK, EATING A FREDDO, WATCHING THE TELEVISION.
A VOICE OVER FROM AN ADVERTISEMENT CAN BE HEARD
VOICE OVER:
This is Jonty. Jonty had plans to go skiing in the Alps this winter... With his friends Rupert and Cedric... But due to the cut in the legal aid budget, he's not going anywhere like that.... Instead he's had to settle for dry slope skiing in Croydon. It's not the same.
(*Music "The higher you build your barriers...the taller I become ...There's something insiiiide so strong oh yeahh*)...Be generous....Feed a barrister this Christmas.
SOMEBODY KNOCKS ON HHJ KIMBLE'S DOOR
KIMBLE JUMPS UP, TAKES OFF HIS GOWN SO THAT HE IS IN HIS SHIRT, CHEST AND BRACES SHOWING. HE PUTS HIS LEG ON THE CHAIR AND RESTS HIS ELBOW ON HIS KNEE. HE PUTS A COPY OF 'SENTENCING GUIDELINES' ON TOP OF HIS ANNUAL HARDBACK COPY OF 'DOT-TO-DOT' PUZZLES.
HHJ KIMBLE:
Come in...
ENTER WENDY, THE LIST OFFICER
WENDY:
(IMPRESSED BY HHJ KIMBLE'S APPEARANCE) Oooh hello Judge. Ooh you look all like that Judge John Deed!
HHJ KIMBLE:
Why thank you Wendy.
WENDY:
I shan't trouble you for long judge, I know that you are extremely busy. I just came to get a time estimate, how is the case coming along?
HHJ KIMBLE:
Well Wend, it's a very complicated case. In fact, I wouldn't want to trouble your young mind with all the complexities. But let's just say that I have my finger on the pulse. They don't call me 'Kimble the Eagle' for nothing you know.
WENDY:
(GAWDY) Oooh
HHJ KIMBLE:
Oh yes Wend, you should have seen me in there. I may be being bold Wend, but I believe I can finish this case by this afternoon.
WENDY:
(GAWDIER) Oooh
THE HUCK (RESIDENT JUDGE HHJ HUCKSTABLE) CAN BE HEARD SHOUTING OFF CAMERA
HHJ HUCKSTABLE:
Kimble! Kimble you baboon spawn! (ENTERS ROOM) Ah Kimble, you're in. Good. Trying to pull off that John Deed look to impress the admin staff Kimble! You look like a right idiot! Judge John Deed doesn't spend his time completing join the dot puzzles! (UNEARTH'S KIMBLE'S PUZZLE ANNUAL). I'm confiscating this! Now, what's this I hear about you charging the public purse with the hire of a false beard?
HHJ KIMBLE:
Well, ah, urrr
HHJ HUCKSTABLE:
I'm keeping an eye on you Kimble, you nitwit. (WALKS UP CLOSE TO KIMBLE, BUT ONLY REACHES UPTO HIS LOWER CHEST. MOTIONS FOR KIMBLE TO LOWER HIS HEAD.
KIMBLE LOWERS HEAD SO THAT THEY ARE FACE TO FACE.
HHJ HUCKSTABLE:
I am like a fisherman Kimble. I await with great pleasure, the day I reel you in like the stupid fish you are, and club you repeatedly until you stop slithering!
KIMBLE GULPS OUT OF FEAR.
'THE HUCK' EXITS.
KIMBLE LOOKS EMBARRASED.
WENDY STANDS NERVOUSLY IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM.
HHJ KIMBLE:
(LOOKS AT WENDY) Just get out!
CUT TO:
--------------------------
SCENE 4. INT. JUDGES CORRIDOR
A JUDGE POKES HIS HEAD THROUGH A DOOR, LOOKS TO CHECK IF ALL IS CLEAR. HE RUNS OUT, BUT THREE OTHER JUDGES SPOT HIM AND GIVE CHASE. THE THREE JUDGES CATCH UP TO HIM AND START GIVING HIM A KICKING.
RESIDENT JUDGE HUCKSTABLE CASUALLY WALKS PAST, STEPPING OVER THEM. HE IS WITH ANOTHER JUDGE, AND AS THEY WALK HE OPENS A DOOR IN SUCH A NONCHALANT WAY THAT IT SHUTS IN THE FACE OF HIS FOLLOWER.
CUTS TO:
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SCENE 5. INT. JUDGE KIMBLE'S COURT
THE DEFENCE COUNSEL IS ON HIS FEET
DEFENCE:
Your Honour, the application ought to succeed.
HHJ KIMBLE LETS OUT A SARCASTIC LAUGH
DEFENCE:
I sense that your honour is against me on this?
HHJ KIMBLE:
(SARCASTICALLY, WITH A CONDESCENDING SMILE) Oh no, please go on.
DEFENCE:
Your Honour, essentially Mr Groves is being charged with stealing a Freddo. A 15p chocolate bar. The elements of robbery are not made out. The shop keeper chased him with a bat on account of his appearance. You cannot threaten somebody by merely appearing untidy...
HHJ KIMBLE:
I wouldn't go that far counsel. If we didn't lock people up for being untidy, well what sort of message are we sending out to society? Walk around with florescent shell-suits willy nilly? Sometimes, just sometimes, the strong arm of the law should thwack the man in the string vest waiting at the post office queue, to prevent any further mischief.
DEFENCE:
Your honour, there is no such law! This is not a submission of no case to answer! The prosecution have offered no evidence, I'm afraid that you have no power to change their mind! Your honour, the resident judge would hear of this! And can Mr Groves be allowed to remove that ridiculous beard!
HHJ KIMBLE:
Oh, very well very well. I'd like an early finish today. We'll have the jury in. But he keeps the beard! (POINTS AN AUTHORITATIVE FINGER AT THE DEFENCE COUNSEL)
DEFENCE COUNSEL:
(TURNS TO DEFFENDANT.DEFFENDANT IS SMILING GOOFILY.TURNS BACK TO FACE JUDGE) If it pleases your honour.
CUT TO:
SCENE 6. INT. JUDGE KIMBLE'S COURT
HHJ KIMBLE IS ADRESSING THE JURY PANEL
HHJ KIMBLE:
So you see members of the jury, we have this situation where a man, a hairy man at that, has escaped the long arm of justice once again. No doubt that this state of affairs came about due to tweedle dum and tweedle thicky over there
(LOOKS AT DEFENCE AND PROSECUTION).
But with law, it is very much like a dot-to-dot puzzle...you have a lot of random dots, and you don't know, until you start joining them together, what the picture is going to be. Sometimes it's pony, other times, a piece of fruit. Anyway I digress...With that, members of the jury, I direct that you find the defendant not guilty. We live in a society where growing a beard is not a threatening gesture!
END
