Hi, everyone this is my first post, firstly I would like to congratulate all the finalists who made it to sitcom mission and good luck with the second episode. Anyways I'm just uploading my sitcom mission rejection for anyone who's interested in reading it. Any feedback, criticism or suggestions would be great. it's over 17 pages long which I think it's just about 15-minutes long. Before you read it I would just like to clarify that it is indeed inspired from "black books" actually I wrote this right after watching the entire series.
Overdue Books
INT. CUSTOMER HELP DESK
JACOB 30S, LIBRARIAN, IS READING A COMIC BOOK. AN ELDERLY LADY, 60S ENTERS WITH SOME BOOKS.
ELDERLY LADY
Hello.
JACOB
(UNINTERESTED)...Yes!
ELDERLY LADY
Could I return these books.
JACOB
(SCANS THE BOOK) Oh dear...
ELDERLY LADY
Is everything OK?
JACOB
I'm afraid these books are overdue.
ELDERLY LADY
Oh yes. I was in hospital...
JACOB
(INTERRUPTING) Excuses! Excuses! I'm afraid you have to pay the fine or we will have no choice but to pass your detail's onto the debt collectors. They will then come into your house take away all your valuables items such as your jewelry, Your TV, your DVD player, your microwave, your cooker, your kettle and not to forget your most valuable item your library card!
ELDERLY LADY
How much due I owe?
JACOB
That's 30 pence a book. That's erm... (TAKES OUT A CALCULATOR) Its 60 pence.
ELDERLY LADY
Is that all, I thought it was gonna be more. I was about to have a panic attack
there.
JACOB
Your holding the queue up!
THE ELDERLY LADY LOOKS BACK TO SEE NOBODY. SHE RUMMAGES THROUGH HER BAG TAKES OUT HER PURSE PULLS OUT A £20 NOTE
ELDERLY LADY
Oh, wait I have a lot of loose change in here. I've been trying to... (JACOB SNATCHES THE £20 NOTE) get rid of...
JACOB
(TAKES ALL THE CHANGE OUT OF THE TILL, ALL IN COINS AND QUICKLY SHUTS THE DRAWER)Here's your change.
ELDERLY LADY
But could I...
JACOB
(INTERRUPTING) I'm afraid there's nothing I could do once the till drawer shuts. But we do have some new books that have just arrived today.(HE TAKES A PILE OF BOOKS FROM THE TROLLY BEHIND THE DESK)
ELDERLY LADY
(TAKES HER TIME LOOKING AT THE BOOKS) I'll take this one... Oh wait I think I have read this one. Hmmm... This one looks good.
JACOB
Do you want to phone-a-friend!
ELDERLY LADY
Maybe I should take these two... Oh wait I don't know if I should take this one.
JACOB
That's it! Get out you-you old pest! Your nothing but a trouble maker! We don't like your kind here!(CUTS UP HER CARD AND ESCORTS HER OUT OF THE LIBRARY) Don't you come back your barred!
LISA 20S, LIBRARIAN, ENTERS.
LISA
Sorry I'm late again.
JACOB
That's OK. I just got here. An hour ago!
LISA
My clock didn't go off this morning.
JACOB
Your clock never works. Perhaps you should buy a new clock.
LISA
If it happens again, I'll definitely buy a new clock.
JACOB
By then it'll be too late.
LISA
What do you mean too late?
JACOB
By that time you'll be replaced...
LISA
(ANNOYED)
JACOB
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding with you... You can never be replaced... and if you were We'll just get a toaster for the staff room instead.
GEORGE 50S, SECURITY GUARD, ENTERS.
LISA
Morning George.
GEORGE
Lisa slip that in your notice board, will you?
LISA
Oh, yeah? What's this?
(READS THE NOTICE) Hunt for doorstep thief?
GEORGE
Some wee swine has been nicking my milk. If I can just get my hands on him then he will be sorry.
JACOB
It's that damn postman.
GEORGE
Postman eh?
LISA
Why would the postman be nicking George's milk?
JACOB
Its the one person you never suspect. Think about it. First they were stealing our mail now they are stealing our milk tomorrow it will be them stealing our identities. I've seen it happen before.
GEORGE
Where?
JACOB
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers...(LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Tea time. (TO
LISA)Why don't you run along and make some tea.
LISA
Why don't you make the tea for once. I'm always making the tea.
JACOB
I'm sorry Lisa, I thought you like making the tea. Its what all women do. Is'nt It genetic?
LISA
No it's not genetic.
JACOB
Fine I'll make the damn tea... So how many tea bags do you take in your tea.
LISA
One. Do you even know how to make tea?
JACOB
Yes... You just mix tea bag with water and milk in a kettle.
LISA
Don't bother I'll just make the tea. Do you want a cuppa George?
GEORGE
Actually. I'll have a coffee, if you have any.
JACOB
Coffee? I didn't know you drink coffee?
GEORGE
I'm on a coffee diet.
LISA
Coffee diet? I've never heard of it. Anyways how does that work?
GEORGE
You just need to follow a simple plan.
JACOB
(EXCITED)a simple plan. Is that all?
GEORGE
Yes that's right. The theory behind the coffee diet is based on the effect of caffeine on the metabolism, it can increase your body's metabolic rate by up to 10%, thus allowing you to burn hundreds and thousands of more calories per day. Therefore you can eat what ever you want.
LISA
Okay. What ever that meant. So how many cup's of coffee do you drink in a day.
GEORGE
Just about 7.
LISA
Only 7?
JACOB
Stop interrupting him. Go on.
GEORGE
Well I drink coffee after breakfast, around tea time, before lunch, after lunch, around 3, around 6, and around 9.
JACOB
And you can eat what you want?
GEORGE
Yes that's right.
LISA
How much have you lost yet?
GEORGE
Just about 2 pounds.
JACOB
Yeah I know how you feel. I once lost a fiver, I was really gutted.
LISA
Okay. So that's two tea's and a coffee.
JACOB
I'll have coffee too.
LISA EXITS. A POSTMAN ENTERS. JACOB AND GEORGE LOOKS AT THE POSTMAN WITH DISGUST.
POSTMAN
Morning fellas,(DROPS THE MAIL ON THE COUNTER) It's freezing cold out there. (PICKS UP A BOOK FROM THE COUNTER)
JACOB
There you go, sneaking around when no one's looking.
POSTMAN
Sorry?
JACOB
Look at you! ...Walking around in your fancy blue uniform thinking you own the place. To you we are just a bunch of nobodies, innocent bystanders. Let me tell you this. You got some nerve pal!
POSTMAN
Sorry?
JACOB
You think you can just walk in here, snap your fingers and I'll serve you my wife on a tray!
GEORGE
You don't have a wife.
JACOB
What if I did?
POSTMAN
Look, I'm just doing my job.
JACOB
Yeah. That's what the Nazis said.
POSTMAN
Excuse me?
GEORGE
That's a really big bag your carrying.
POSTMAN
Yeah I got a lot of mail to deliver.
GEORGE
(TAKES OUT A NOTEBOOK AND STARTS TO SCRIBBLE ON IT) A lot of mail eh? What kind of mail exactly?
POSTMAN
Just the usual you know parcels, letters and postcards.
GEORGE
What about milk?
POSTMAN
Milk?
GEORGE
Yes milk!
POSTMAN
No, there's no milk.
JACOB
I know your Kind. I can smell the milk on your breath. Just can't get enough off the white stuff? Can you?
POSTMAN
What's this about?
GEORGE
What were you doing between 7 and 8 this morning?
POSTMAN
What's with the questions am I being interrogated here?
JACOB
No. We are just having a friendly conversation. So answer the damn question.
GEORGE
So what were you doing?
POSTMAN
I was just doing my route. Why did someone get mugged or stabbed or something?
GEORGE
A horrendous crime was committed... Some wee bastard stole my milk. Any idea who it is?
POSTMAN
No.
JACOB
Look We know it was you!
POSTMAN
I didn't do it.
JACOB
People black out. They do things they never meant to do.
POSTMAN
It wasn't me. Must have been someone else. Probably kids.
JACOB
What's in the bag?
POSTMAN
I've already told you it's just mail.
JACOB
Lets see it?
POSTMAN
I Can't do that.
JACOB
Give me the damn Bag (STARTS TO PULL THE BAG)
POSTMAN
Get away from me.
JACOB
Give it to me! Give it to me!
(STARTS TO BARK)
THE BAG RIPS OPEN AND ALL THE MAIL IS LYING ON THE FLOOR.
POSTMAN
Look what you've done.
GEORGE
Did you find it?
JACOB
Nope there's no milk here.
POSTMAN
I've already told you that I didn't take your milk.
THE POSTMAN PICK'S UP THE MAIL AND EXITS. HELEN, 50S,LISA'S NEIGHBOUR, ENTERS WITH A COUPLE OF CARRIER BAGS.
HELEN
(TO JACOB) Is Lisa there? I need to speak to her.
JACOB
Can't this wait till after work I mean after all she's your next door neighbour.
HELEN
What's that smell?
JACOB
What smell? I don't smell anything. I guess I don't have a big nose like some people.
HELEN
Its coming from your mouth. Don't you brush your teeth, boy.
JACOB
I do brush my teeth.
HELEN
Open your mouth.
JACOB
(OPENS HIS MOUTH)
HELEN
Boy, Your teeth are so yellow I can't believe there not butter... I would suggest that you brush your teeth more often with toothpaste.... Anyways were's
Lisa. I need to speak to her. Its important.
JACOB
Well I'm afraid she's...
HELEN
(INTERRUPTING) Dead. Oh that's a shame she was only 29. The other day I was here she was wearing this long red jacket. It was really nice you wouldn't know where she kept it.
JACOB
She's Just making the tea.
LISA ENTERS WITH THREE MUGS.
LISA
Hi Helen.
HELEN
Thank God your alive.
LISA
(CONFUSED)Okay. So what brings you here?
HELEN
I could do with a cup of tea.
LISA
I'm sorry Helen we only have three mugs.
HELEN
That's no problem I always carry my mug with me. You never know when you gonna need it. (HANDS HER MUG TO LISA)
JACOB
Have you ever considered carrying a vacuum bottle?
HELEN AND JACOB GLANCE AT EACH OTHER.
LISA
Okay. I'll just go get you some tea. How many sugars do you take again?
HELEN
I'm trying to cut down on sugar. Its not good for you. It was on the news the other day...
LISA
(INTERRUPTING)Half a spoon?
HELEN
No. Actually make it two spoons. That should be enough. Don't want to take too much.
LISA TAKES THE MUG AND EXITS. AWKWARD SILENCE.
HELEN (CONT'D)
(TO GEORGE)You look different.
GEORGE
Yeah I started a diet.
HELEN
A Diet eh?
GEORGE
Yeah.
HELEN
Are you sure? Cos you look like you gained more weight. Boy you have a wild imagination.
LISA ENTERS.
LISA
Here you go.
HELEN
I Don't want to impose but do you have any biscuits. I like biscuits with my tea.
LISA
Erm..
JACOB
(INTERRUPTING)No we don't have biscuits.
HELEN
Oh look there's a packet of biscuits there. (POINTS TO THE BISCUITS)
JACOB
Damn.
LISA
Oh I didn't see those. Must have been lying there for a while. (OPENS THE BISCUITS)
HELEN
(TAKES A BISCUITS AND DIPS IT IN HER TEA) Oh there lovely. (TAKES A HAND FULL AND PUTS IT IN HER BAG) I'll take some for Janis she has a bit of a sweet tooth.
GEORGE
I better be heading back to work. I'll see you tonight at the pub.
JACOB
Yeah take care.
LISA
bye George.
GEORGE EXITS.
LISA (CONT'D)
Anyways what was it that you wanted to see me about?
HELEN
Before I forget could I return these Books... Your not gonna believe what just happened...I left my house at eight o'clock and I was at the bus stop at five past eight. I took the bus number sixteen. Normally I take the bus number ninety. But it takes the longer route. I got off at Queen street and I saw Margaret and she gave me an Avon Catalogue...
LISA
(INTERRUPTING) Is there a short version to this story.
HELEN
I was robbed.
LISA
Robbed?
HELEN
I just bought a cardigan from Primark and I realized I was out of milk so I popped into Asda. I put my bag down beside the checkout. There was an Asian women in front of me. Just as she got served and was about to exit. I stopped her. Told her you forgot your bag. I Picked the bag up and gave it to her. Just after she left I realized it was my bag. She stole my cardigan!
LISA
So you literally gave her your bag.
HELEN
She shouldn't have taken it. It was my bag! Anyways I better go to the police station and report it.
Before I forget do you have stamps?
LISA
No. We don't sell stamp.
HELEN
I thought you might have some lying around. Oh, well Then I need to go to the post office... That reminds me. Did you hear there shutting down the post office.
LISA
No.
HELEN
Its a bloody disgrace. I tell you that It's an hour walk to Maryhill post office.
LISA
You can always take the bus.
HELEN
Don't you get me started... Those damn bus drivers, there all thieves and murderers there always hiking up the fares and knocking down pensioners. Just last week. Jack got hit by a bus when he tried to cross the road and the week after that Andy got hit by a bus too.
LISA
Was he trying to re-enact the scene.
HELEN
Sorry...
LISA
Nothing.
HELEN
Look at the time. I better be going now before the queue builds up at the post office.
HELEN EXITS.
JACOB
So... How are things going with you and your roommate?
LISA
Not too great. I mean we're supposed to share all the bill's 50/50 but I end up paying for it. The rent, the gas bills, electricity bill, the phone bill, the grocery. I end up feeding her three meals a day. I feel like if I'm her mother My grocery bill is so huge I don't think I can really afford it any longer.
JACOB
I know how you feel. I used to have a roommate like that. She never offered to reimburse me for anything.
LISA
I'm getting really fed up with her freeloading, but I just don't know how to tell her. She just can't seem to hold down a job.
JACOB
Well, you really need to do something about it.
LISA
Your right maybe I should just have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Anyway how did you deal with your situation.
JACOB
I just packed her stuff. Drove her to the nearest old folks homes and left her on their doorstep.
LISA
Old folks home?
JACOB
Yes Old folks home?
LISA
How old was your room mate?
JACOB
62.
LISA
62? Is that not a bit weird. Having an old room mate?
JACOB
There is nothing wrong about having your mother as a roommate.
AN ASIAN MAN 30S DRESSED IN DESIGNER CLOTHES AND JEWELRY ENTERS.
MAN WITH A BOX
Wasss up.
LISA
How could I help you?
MAN WITH A BOX
I'm moving house. I've got a lot of books that I'm trying to get rid of. How much would you give me for them?
LISA
We don't buy books from the public.
MAN WITH A BOX
Is it cos's I'm black?
LISA
No. We only buy books from publishers. Anyway Aren't you Asian?
MAN WITH A BOX
Don't insult me! Sister. How would you feel if I called you white?
LISA
(CONFUSED) I am white.
MAN WITH A BOX
Now you know what it feels like!
JACOB
(PICKS A BOOK UP FROM THE BOX)
This looks familiar.
MAN WITH A BOX
That's a Good Choice brother , a very rare book indeed. It's a collectors item.
JACOB
Is it signed by the author?
MAN WITH A BOX
No... but I'll sign it if you want. There's only a hundred copy's available.
LISA
Hundred copies in the world?
MAN WITH A BOX
No, hundred copies in London.
LISA
What's so special about this book then.
MAN WITH A BOX
To you this may just be a book. A piece of junk. But when I look at it, I don't see a book I see an investment.
JACOB
An investment?
MAN WITH A BOX
Yeah that's right my brother. Today this book may only be worth a lousy ten bucks. But in a hundred years time this book will be worth over a hundred bucks. You'll even have your name in the Guinness World Records book. Think about it you could be the richest and the oldest man alive. I tell you what you can have the whole lot for twenty. Help a brother out will you.
JACOB
(OPENS THE BOOK) It still has the return date stamp on it.
LISA
These are the books we've been missing.
MAN WITH A BOX
Lets make it a tenner then.
JACOB
So your the book thief?
MAN WITH A BOX
I don't steal books. I buy books... They must have been already stolen when I bought them... Lets make it a fiver. We'll call it even.
JACOB
I'll make you a better deal. I'll take all the books off you and You can have the box back.
MAN WITH A BOX
(DISAPPOINTED)OK...
THE MAN WITH A BOX EXITS.
THE END
