Transcription of 'Spoons' sketch from Big Train

Just transcribed this for practice, would be great to get people's opinions on it. Thanks.

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INT. HIGH RISE OFFICE

A GROUP OF ADULTS ARE GATHERED EXPECTANTLY IN A ROOM; THEY'RE WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ARRIVE.

A MAN WALKS CONFIDENTLY INTO THE ROOM; HE IS OBVIOUSLY THE HEAD OF THIS GROUP. THE OTHERS STOP TALKING STRAIGHT AWAY AND TAKE NOTICE OF HIM.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD
(TO ROOM) Hello.

HE GIVES THEM A NOD AS HE WALKS TO THE DESK.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD
Erm, hi. Not sure where to start really; I just want to say that I'm really looking forward to working with all of you and that my office is open twenty-four hours a day if you have any questions about the new (BEAT) regime. So don't hesitate to pop in for a chat. Erm, really I just want to do the job as well as Bill did, so just think of me as (BEAT) Bill without the beard.

THEY ALL CHUCKLE APPRECIATIVELY AT HIS JOKE.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD
I think if we do that we can achieve something (BEAT) rather good. Erm, there is one thing –

HE REACHES INTO HIS COAT POCKET.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD (CONT'D)
I have a phobia of something, which I've written on this piece of paper. Erm -

HE PULLS OUT A PIECE OF FOLDED-UP PAPER AND HANDS IT TO THE GROUP.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD (CONT'D)
It's my problem so I'm not ashamed of it.

A MEMBER OF THE GROUP UNFOLDS THE PIECE OF PAPER, IT READS: "SPOONS". THE GROUP MEMBER WITH THE PIECE OF PAPER HAS A LOOK OF SUBTLE SURPRISE ON HIS FACE; HE PASSES THE PAPER TO THE REST OF THE GROUP.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD (OVER ABOVE)
But I would appreciate it if you would refrain from using, or indeed mentioning, these things while I'm around.

HE SIGHS.

BILL WITHOUT THE BEARD (CONT'D)
Okay, now who's Mary? I'll have a little word with Mary.

A PERSON STROLLS INTO THE ROOM STIRRING A HOT DRINK WITH A SPOON.

F/X: (OVER ABOVE) CLINKING OF SPOON AGAINST CUP

HE PULLS THE SPOON OUT OF THE CUP AND SUCKS IT.

F/X: BRIEF SOUND OF LOUD, FAST FOOTSTEPS

ONE GROUP MEMBER LOOKS AND GASPS IN HORROR.

MAN
Jesus!

THE MAN RUNS TO THE OPEN WINDOW; HE LEANS RIGHT OUT OF IT AND LOOKS DOWN TO FIND THE HEAD OF THE GROUP LYING ON THE PAVEMENT, FLAT ON HIS FACE AND DISHEVELLED.

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The dialogue and character names were centred but it gets changed when you paste into here.

What you did here was watch the sketch and write down what happened in script format? That right?

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 21 2010, 8:37 PM GMT

What you did here was watch the sketch and write down what happened in script format? That right?

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Yes, for form and whatnot. I just want to know if it seems pretty indicative of industry-standard scripts...

I think it's quite an interesting exercise though.
Seeing if a successful sketch still looks as good when written down.

Quote: Marooned @ January 21 2010, 8:52 PM GMT

Yes, for form and whatnot. I just want to know if it seems pretty indicative of industry-standard scripts...

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But none of us have any idea what it looked like when Linehan or whoever wrote it down, so it's a bit pointless, no?

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 21 2010, 9:29 PM GMT

But none of us have any idea what it looked like when Linehan or whoever wrote it down, so it's a bit pointless, no?

View original

I did it more to practice my own sketch writing skills, not to try and imitate the original script (which, as you've already said, is next to impossible).

For comparison purposes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaAZXPlv0u4

Marooned, your transcribed version seemed ok to me, if you're intending on using it as practice for your own efforts.

I see you've taken Stott's advice about action running concurrently with a line, it does the job but I haven't personally seen it on any scripts previously. The main thing is how it reads and this seemed ok to me, although the punch of him being out of the window could have been expressed better I feel.

CUT TO: SHOT FROM OFFICE WINDOW. SIMON PEGG SPLAYED OUT ON THE PAVEMENT.

Something like that maybe. (Disclaimer)More experienced people could probably give you better advice.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ January 21 2010, 9:43 PM GMT

On a related note, it's always bothered me how the BBC Writersroom publishes the shooting script of series three episode three of gash like Grownups or whatever, rather than the raw commissioned pilot of something decent, which would be way more useful.

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I agree.

Moved to Writers' Discussion as I think it's more of a formatting question than a request for critique.

(Correct me if I'm wrong)

Quote: zooo @ January 21 2010, 11:15 PM GMT

Moved to Writers' Discussion as I think it's more of a formatting question than a request for critique.

(Correct me if I'm wrong)

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I daren't tamper with anything on a global scale, especially a moderator.

Heh!
I like you, you can stay.

It starts with the compliments, and then....

I find this interesting because I tend to justify rejection by claiming that the readers don't 'get it'. The example I always use is the Chairman Mao/ Virginia Plane sketch from this series, which I imagine on paper looks like a non-starter;unless you 'get it'.

Quote: gertiedog @ January 22 2010, 2:23 PM GMT

I find this interesting because I tend to justify rejection by claiming that the readers don't 'get it'. The example I always use is the Chairman Mao/ Virginia Plane sketch from this series, which I imagine on paper looks like a non-starter;unless you 'get it'.

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Exactly. Something might be hilarious in your head or even when you tell others about it in person, but it might be next to impossible to make it funny on paper.