Another week, another set of failures; ridicule at your pleasure...
SarcMark sketch:
MILES:You lot, yes you out there, our listeners. You are simply the greatest audience in the world ever. No contest. Full-stop. Fin.
PERSON #2:Miles, of course, is either lying, insane, or using sarcasm to comic effect… But if you were reading a text or email how would you know?
MILES #1:Luckily, and I mean that sincerely, American company Sarcasm Inc have introduced the 'SarcMark' - a much needed grammatical tool which allows any brain dead idiot to identify if a statement is intended to be sarcastic.
PERSON #2:Brilliant.
MILES:Indeed. The SarcMark, as it has hilariously been called, looks a bit like a cartoon ear with a little dot in the middle.
PERSON #2:Although some would say it just looks like they seen people coming, doesn't it Miles?
MILES:No. It just looks like a cartoon ear… But does it work?
PERSON #2:Well let's see. Imagine, I sent you an email which read 'Miles, your Mum smells of fish!' I mean, what would you think?
MILES:I'd think your right. She works in a fishmonger.
PERSON #2
oes she?
MILES:No. (PAUSE). I was being sarcastic.
PERSON #2:But you didn't use the SarcMark
MILES:But I haven't replied to your email yet. I was just saying.
PERSON #2:Right. So you see how confusing it can be?
MILES:And you've met my Mum. She smells of lavender oil and peppermint tea.
PERSON #2:Right, right, okay. Let's try another. What if I sent you a text that read, 'Miles, I want you. From the first time I saw you fingering Katie Price's biography at Waterstones in Hull. I knew I wanted you'.
MILES:I know you have. And it wasn't Jordan's biography I was fingering. It was her Perfect Ponies: My Pony Care Book. A book so good it won best kids book at WH Smiths.
PERSON #2:Really?
MILES:No. It was actually only short listed…
PERSON #2
INTERRUPTS) Look Miles, your really not getting this.
MILES: ... she was robbed. She was robbed
PERSON #2:Miles!!! In the name of… Miles. Sarcasm?
MILES:No, its a good book.
PERSON #2:No Miles, we're talking about sarcasm
MILES
h right, right, sorry. You weren't very clear about that were you?
PERSON #2:Yes, I know. But If I had used the SarcMark
MILES:Things would have been clearer
PERSON #2:Much clearer.
MILES: And less embarrassing too.
PERSON #2:Yes.
MILES:It's a bit like that time in the restaurant when the waiter kept asking me if wanted aromatic duck
PERSON:He wasn't asking you anything Miles. He was calling you a sarcastic …
END
Voxpops:
1 OLD MAN:Yeah, it's getting worse round here. Ever since the BNP got in, hat crime has gone through the roof.
2 MAN #1:But at least governments are trying to help in Haiti. The US is sending $100 million. The UK is giving £62 million plus technical support. I mean, we can't expect our journalists to suffer like that?
3 WOMAN #1:They want bankers to get into teaching? Come on… What could a lying, cheating, scumbag like that possibly learn from a banker?
4 MAN:I want one of those social mobility scooters. But they work better if you're married.
Corrections:
Last week we ran a story about technophobia which featured adult entertainer Ron Geremy. Due poor sound quality we would like to our assure our listeners that Mr Geremy was in fact referring to his fax machine.
J
