"Mummy" sketch

SOUND: INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND

(A FRESH-FACED YOUNG MAN STROLLS INTO A NEWSAGENT'S; HE WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER. THE SHOP OWNER IS SAT BEHIND IT READING A NEWSPAPER.)

(HE LOOKS UP TO GREET THE CUSTOMER.)

MAN #1 (SHOP OWNER)
(AGITATED)
Oh no, not you again!

MAN #2
Look, I've already apologised about a hundred times. It was a simple mistake that anyone could have made.

MAN #1
You frighten my children!

MAN #2
Please, yours is the nearest shop to where I live and I only need to get a few bits.

(PAUSE)

MAN #1
Okay, but no funny business.

MAN #2
(CHUCKLING) I'm laughing already.

MAN #1
No, you're not heari-

MAN #2
I'll have a pint of Milk.

(THE SHOP OWNER SIGHS.)

(HE REACHES FOR A PINT OF MILK.)

MAN #1
(DESPONDENTLY)
One pint of Milk.

MAN #2
A bottle of Chablis.

(THE SHOP OWNER REACHS FOR A BOTTLE OF CHABLIS.)

MAN #1
A bottle of the Chablis.

MAN #2
And a pack of 20 Silk Cut Purple please, Mummy.

MAN #1
One pa-

(THE SHOP OWNER HOSTS A LOOK OF ETHEREAL BEWILDERMENT.)

(THE SHOP OWNER'S SON STARTS CRYING AND BURIES HIS FACE INTO HIS DAD'S LEG.)

(THE SHOP OWNER GESTURES ANGRILY WITH HIS HAND TOWARDS MAN #1.)

MAN #1
(SHOUTING)
What's wrong with you?! You're crazy!

MAN #2
Sorry, Mummy. (beat) I mean (pause) man.

MAN #1
(SHOUTING)
Get out!

(MAN #2 RUNS OUT OF THE SHOP.)

(HE ARRIVES AT HIS FLAT.)

MAN #2
(TO FLAT)
I'm back.

(HE WALKS INTO THE FRONT ROOM.)
MAN #2
Hi Mummy.

(HIS MUM COMES INTO VIEW; SHE IS A BURLY DRAG QUEEN AND IDENTICAL TO THE SHOP OWNER.)

MUMMY
(WITH A GUTTURAL VOICE)
Hello poppet. Did you get the cigarettes?

MAN #2
No, the man was really rude to me again. (PAUSE) It's probably for the best anyway; those things will wreak havoc on your vocal cords.

END

This is one of my first sketches; I'd appreciate any comments or criticisms. Thanks.

Sorry, but it doesn't make any sense!

I can see how it makes sense but it feels like it's in 3 sections which don't fit together. It reminds me of a couple of things, probably most strongly League of Gentlemen. You need to make the main character one thing or another, naif or blazé or knowing. He can't really have the punchline if he's dumb enough to get confused in the shop and call the man Mummy.

I think there's a nice tone in here though. I think the gag is visual though, so needs to be rewritten to reflect that.

Hope this helps.

For one of your first sketches, it's pretty well written but ultimately it's a bit odd.

Personally, it's not for me. But if this is an example of your sense of humour then maybe there is an audience for it out there? I think there's something here, but I'm not sure what.

Thanks for the help. I'm going to attempt a rewrite today.

I like this and I get it, you may need to tighten the dialogue in the first half

I got it too, but it does feel like part of a sitcom extract rather than a sketch. Personally, tighten the dialogue as Soot suggests and rename the shopkeeper to shopkeeper. Man #1 Man #2 style name tags are always confusing especially if you break from alternating speech.

Maybe some of the readers' confusion stems from the man initially saying he was mistaken and that's why he called the shopkeeper Mummy, but his laugh before the buying of items seems to indicate he called the shopkeeper Mummy because he found it funny. To me, his 'mistake' line is just explaining to the shopkeeper while hiding his real motive but it may need emphasis to the reader, in some way?

Quote: SlagA @ January 20 2010, 12:54 PM GMT

I got it too, but it does feel like part of a sitcom extract rather than a sketch. Personally, tighten the dialogue as Soot suggests and rename the shopkeeper to shopkeeper. Man #1 Man #2 style name tags are always confusing especially if you break from alternating speech.

Maybe some of the readers' confusion stems from the man initially saying he was mistaken and that's why he called the shopkeeper Mummy, but his laugh before the buying of items seems to indicate he called the shopkeeper Mummy because he found it funny. To me, his 'mistake' line is just explaining to the shopkeeper while hiding his real motive but it may need emphasis to the reader, in some way?

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He's just mad.

Quote: Marooned @ January 20 2010, 1:04 PM GMT

He's just mad.

View original

Well, I guess it does need emphasis in that case, eh?

Although he isn't actually crazy to make the mistake, as the mum and shopkeeper are identical.

Quote: SlagA @ January 20 2010, 1:13 PM GMT

Well, I guess it does need emphasis in that case, eh?

Although he isn't actually crazy to make the mistake, as the mum and shopkeeper are identical.

View original

All true.