If both you and the heckler are blokes you could try -
"Typical, the one time you have sex with a man, he turns out to be a stalker".
or maybe "How the f**k did that beat two million other sperm to the egg"
Standard put-downs for use against hecklers Page 2
Quote: AngieBaby @ January 15 2010, 8:12 PM GMTI've heard that all hecklers are frustrated comedians!
Some heckles can enhance a set, and I've been to gigs where it's made the night.
I've also heard that the best way to deal with a heckle is to ignore it.
I guess you've just got to take the rough with the smooth.
That's one point of view. My personal opinion is that all comedy clubs should be issued with a government sniper to take out anyone who even looks like they're about to heckle.
They sit there in the dark in a cloak of anonymity, cowardly spouting their unfunny crap in an effort to look big in front of their mates. I've never been to a comedy night that was "enhanced" by a heckler - except once when the comedian gave the mic to the heckler and told him to make the audience laugh. He was humiliated and booed off within 30 seconds and stormed out of the club. that was great!
I've not been heckled, I assume it's because they're too scared of me.... but I was planning on using this:
'Your heckle is in a queue and will be dealt with whenever I can be arsed to deal with it.'
My understanding is that most comics are happy to share put-downs and no-one has a problem with you using theirs to sort out a lippy member of the audience. Basically you have enough to content with without some prick trying to get one over you.
If I was ever to air my stand up material and someone was rude enough to heckle me I would retort 'excuse me. that is not what I call courtesy. I may not be your vfavourite comedian but I am sure some people will like me so please have cosnderation for other spectators.' and I'd maintain eye contact as their face turns a shade of crimson. See how they like being picked on.
Yep, but you're a character comedian... 
How do you mean. Sadly in my recent posts, through no fault of my own, my morality rather than my wit has taken centre stage but I am glad you think I have the comedic gift.
How would Jesus have dealt with a heckler?
"Some comedians have plants in the audience. I geta f**king vegetable".
Best ever heckle response was by Harry Hill, someone had shouted out something witty like "You're shit!" and he replied...
"You may heckle me now, but I'm safe in the knowledge that when I get home I have a lovely roast chicken in the oven."
Brilliantly disarming.
Quote: Nogget @ January 16 2010, 7:12 AM GMTHow would Jesus have dealt with a heckler?
Would he get cross?
Quote: Nogget @ January 14 2010, 4:07 PM GMTWhat are the standard put-downs for use against hecklers?
'Stop being so mean, you horrid nasty bully face!'
Jimmy Carr:
'I got into comedy as I thought it would be a pussy magnet, but I never thought I'd meet a c**t like you'
Quote: Nogget @ January 16 2010, 7:12 AM GMTHow would Jesus have dealt with a heckler?
'I have news for you, Lazarus - miracles are reversible.'
My favourite is Ed Byrne's from a story in one of his DVDs: "What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants its arse back?"
Gets me every time. Not sure why.
My put down would be.
"Stay behind at the end dickhead and I'll punch f**k out of you and the two dickheads you're with!"
It's controversial and you may have to have a few roll on the cobbles but at least you get point across.