Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 5

Quote: Elise B @ January 14 2010, 9:54 PM GMT

Hm. Shows I *really* don't know what they are looking for. Well, then it must have been one of these... But none of these are nearly as good as any of the rejections posted in this thread already...

I don't mind politicians organising a coup via text messages, but I want to know whether they claim expenses for the whole bundle if they do.

If I grit my path with salt, does that count towards my nine grams allowance a day?

Newsbullet:

Scores of die-hard fans of the new James Cameron film Avatar were thought to have queued round the block to see the movie on the big screen last night. However it transpired that the line of nerds had not painted themselves blue but instead succumbed to frostbite.

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Sorry Elsie - I don't regonise any of them. I must have missed it. Fat lot of good I am!

It's ELISE!

But thanks for checking. Maybe I got the mail out by mistake. NM. Again, I think there's been loads of quality stuff in this thread no one heard back on, they must really be spoilt for choice. My stuff was gash anyway.

Quote: jayaitch @ January 14 2010, 10:13 PM GMT

1. Last Friday police in Glasgow discovered heroin valued at £1.6m hidden in a Lego box. Although there is ample evidence, detectives fear it may take some time to build a suitable case.

Jay

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Thought this was very funny.

I sent in these
(MEMBER OF PUBLIC #1):
As an AA member I'm not worried about the lack of salt, because it helps to discourage me from drinking margaritas and tequila shots.

(MEMBER OF PUBLIC #2):
Apparently, that boat that got rammed by a Japanese whaling boat was throwing bombs made of rancid butter at it. Bit of a mistake, to the Japanese they're a highly prized delicacy.

(GOSSIPY WOMAN):
Myleene Klass was warned about brandishing a knife as an offensive weapon in her home. I heard that Twiggy was there too, brandishing a nine millimetre automatic, with Noemie Lenoir twirling a baseball bat in just her knickers. I think this is just hearsay, though.

Last one is probably a bit obvious. Probably the first one as well. Maybe even the second one (after I'd sent it I thought it should be re-worded).

Ah well, never mind. Might post the sketches I sent for a bit of feeedback.

Myleene Klass was warned about brandishing a knife as an offensive weapon in her home. I heard that Twiggy was there too, brandishing a nine millimetre automatic...

I think I would have made a punchline about Twiggy only managing to wave somethinh 9mm long - or even Mylenne waving Twiggy about as a weapon... What ye think ?

Oliver Stone's Secret America will reveal many shocking historical facts. Not least of all that the American War of Independence was faked and in fact the US is still an English colony. Gordon Brown has already given Alaska back to the Russians and Manhattan to the Indians. But did get some nice beads.

This cold weather just proves what I've always said. This government lacks grit.

David Cameron believes governments should be willing to intervene in all families even if it costs millions. I don't see why it should cost millions, there's a bloke outside my school who wants to intervene in my family for free. And he says he's got puppies.

Camden has managed to clear up it's snow problem in record time. The council simply issued a warning that police had accidentally dumped several tonnes of cocaine on the streets.

The government is desperately racing to clear the snow from schools so exams can go ahead.
Education minister David Milliband was concerned exams would not be taken in time for them to fail to be marked on time.

We would like to apologise for misreporting Nick Clegg's controversial advise on raising infants. When he said red faced, screaming little chaps shouldn't be given their bottle. He was in fact talking about his experiences working with Charles Kennedy.

Nick Clegg's withdrawing all the Liberal's promises. Citizen's pensions scrapping tuition fees, I bet he hasn't slept with 30 women anymore.

Oliver Stone's controversial new TV historical series Secret America; claims Hitler was not responsible for the Second World War, Stalin was a nice guy and Barrack Obama is white. His next series will be an expose of the American mental health system starring Oliver Stone as a patient.

So this new sex robot doesn't move, is completely cold and shouts at you if you touch it. How's that different to my missus?

Quote: jayaitch @ January 14 2010, 10:58 PM GMT

I think I would have made a punchline about Twiggy only managing to wave somethinh 9mm long - or even Mylenne waving Twiggy about as a weapon... What ye think ?

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Like the idea of waving twiggy about as a weapon

Quote: ShoePie @ January 14 2010, 3:38 PM GMT

In last weeks immigration report, we stated that the current population of Great Britain was 65 Million. We should have added that this figure was expected to drop to 62 Million once all the Snowmen had melted.

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Quote: swerytd @ January 14 2010, 4:01 PM GMT

Teenagers talk with, like, only 800 words a day. That's like, well, you know, it's like... desg... dusg... disgrease... not right good. (BEAT) Innit?

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Quote: CKY88 @ January 14 2010, 5:08 PM GMT

2) Oh no no no a sex robot is definitely not for me. I have enough trouble putting away the hoover… Oh no not in that way!

3) Would I take my clothes off to pay back my student loan? Hell yeah I'd take my clothes off for a big mac!

4) I dunno 3D pornography, I mean the film was good an all but blue people making out, it's not for me.

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Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 14 2010, 5:28 PM GMT

Young Woman – 'They say that in these harsh wintery conditions that we should look out for our neighbours in case they run into trouble. Well, my 87 year old neighbour hasn't checked on me once…and the lazy bitch has let two weeks worth of milk bottles stack up outside her front door.'

Corrections –

Our Sports Department would like to make a full apology to footballer Emanuel Adibayor after we got our wires crossed. We now realise that when he said he was 'approached by the Gunners' that he wasn't talking about Arsenal F.C., and we would also like to apologise for our subsequent question asking whether the African Cup of Nations will end in a shoot out.

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Quote: James @ January 14 2010, 5:30 PM GMT

TAXI DRIVER
So, the Government are going to provide laptops and access to the internet to thousands of kids - finally, some good news. Mainly for online paedophiles; but it's a start.

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Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 14 2010, 5:37 PM GMT

Guy Ritchie plans to open a brewery and has created a range of new ales. According to reports, his first two beers are quite tasty, but the rest are pretentious and hard to swallow.

The adult entertainment industry has unveiled an interactive sex doll who can talk about football. She's a Manchester United fan, so she'll demand an extra six minutes action.

Bobby Davro has said he would give his right arm to win Dancing On Ice. Unfortunately for the alleged comic, a similar deal has already been struck by Heather Mills.

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Quote: Elise B @ January 14 2010, 9:26 PM GMT

"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a social drinker. Who enjoys his own company."

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Quote: jayaitch @ January 14 2010, 10:13 PM GMT

1. I wish people would just get on with it and stop griping about this bloody weather. I mean, what ever happened to the British stiff upper lip? The only person with a stiff upper lip now is my Dad - and he's had a stroke.

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Quote: sootyj @ January 14 2010, 11:00 PM GMT

David Cameron believes governments should be willing to intervene in all families even if it costs millions. I don't see why it should cost millions, there's a bloke outside my school who wants to intervene in my family for free. And he says he's got puppies.

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All of these did it for me - just as funny as most of the stuff which made it into tonight's show (and considerably funnier than some of it). And I had to edit my list down, or I'd have been pasting quotes all night - good work from all.

Quote: Elise B @ January 14 2010, 10:35 PM GMT

It's ELISE!

But thanks for checking.

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Shit. Ah, that's what the 'Arghs' were about, then. My bad. Typing without my specs on. Never a good idea.

Chapeau all BCGers who got in, - always next week for others (soldier on Elise) - I'll try Daz or Persil 12 pt instead of Arial.

My hit-the-posters:

•Well, I support Iris Robinson, in fact, I think the Stormont Assembly should change our motto from "Ulster Says No" to "Iris says yes, Yes, YEs, YEEESSSSS!"

•Iris Robinson has put her marital problems behind her with a round of golf with her life-coach, Tiger Woods.

•George Galloway was deported from Egypt this week and will now spend 3-months in quarantine at an RSPCA Cat Home.

•Iris Robinson has received a letter of support from the PSNI – the Please Say No Iris campaign.

•The de-commissioning process in Northern Ireland stalled this week after police uncovered Iris Robinson as a sex bomb.

•The BBC is sad to announce the demise of serviceman Private Jonathan Woss of the Woyal Wegiment of Wight Entertainment. Private Woss lost his fight for survival during an engagement with the enemy in, what the BBC is describing as, a Shepherds Ambush. Private Woss had 13-years active service in Gazza and the West and South Banks during which a bad face injury resulted in a large red nose. His demise followed an encounter with an unexpected bombshell weighing in at approximately 18 million pounds. His translator was also killed-off during the engagement. A spokesman for the wegiment, Sir Alan "Jock" Yentob DFC, OBE, BBC, said that Private Woss was a popular member of the team who had the spittle for the battle, was a master of the talibanter and was always up for the offensive – a real tonic for the twoops. His family have been informed.

•What do I think of another failed attempt to oust Brown? – well, Geoff Hoon's Doomed and Patricia Hewitt Blewitt.

•I think the main difference between the parties is that Labour will actually cut the deficit while David Cameron will just airbrush it.

•Well, I believe that Peter Robinson must be replaced by another tough orange man - like Anne Robinson.

•Yes, its true that the UK government paid Al-Qaeda £2 million to carry out military operations in Pakistan but no cash was exchanged – only 10 boiler replacement vouchers and 3 kg of salt.

•I think its tremendous - a new urine test for dangerous snorers and sleepwalkers. All you have to do is follow the trail of yellow snow.

•UK Medical advice for dangerous sleepwalkers is to call a somnambulance.

•Its nonsense to suggest that the plot to oust Brown was hatched in the Gandhi Indian restaurant, that's just a turban myth.

•For me, news that Neanderthals wore make-up 50,000 years ago is without foundation.

I agree. A lot people ideas were very good... |For short jokes it really is down to luck, I think. J

I agree that the standard of one liners on the board rivals all of the stuff that Newsjack actually pick to broadcast.

The show is good but I think that some of their sketches can be a bit weak in comparison.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 14 2010, 5:28 PM GMT

Young Woman – 'They say that in these harsh wintery conditions that we should look out for our neighbours in case they run into trouble. Well, my 87 year old neighbour hasn't checked on me once…and the lazy bitch has let two weeks worth of milk bottles stack up outside her front door.'

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This is brilliant! I can't believe they didn't use it! Criminal!

Dan

Quote: sootyj @ January 14 2010, 11:00 PM GMT

David Cameron believes governments should be willing to intervene in all families even if it costs millions. I don't see why it should cost millions, there's a bloke outside my school who wants to intervene in my family for free. And he says he's got puppies.

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HAHAHA! Ace!

I am really really cynical about NewsJack. Some decent stuff in this forum but episode one standard was dire.

Topical comedy at the Beeb is in the grip of the Oxbridge mafia. My worry is, who is reading these sketches ? a hassled intern who doesn't hugely care?

and how much are the staff writers doing? are they using one sketch in 500, 1000?

maybe they were spoilt but then the show should have been packed full of gems and it just wasn't.

Well, I thought my stuff was topical and decent.

In our programme last week, we suggest there was a plan to clean up politics. However all three main parties have since told us that cleaning up politics will in fact cost too much money in the current circumstances.

In our last programme we suggested the Labour were gearing up for the general election. Of course we should have said they were gearing up for yet another leadership election. A spokesman told us that it was the only poll were a Labour candidate actually stood any chance.

We suggested the Arsenal game was cancelled over safety fears. Just to clarify that was the safety of Arsenal's midfield from Kevin Davies's elbows, nothing to do with the snow. We can also confirm the Liverpool game was cancelled because the players hadn't finished building their snowmen.

Schools have informed us that they did not close due to bad weather. It was because the some security scanners cannot tell the difference between snow and cocaine.

VOX POPS
Sham marriages are terrible. I am sickened by Russell Brand's behaviour, he really should know better.

I can totally see through this body scanner stuff. As far as m concerned the scheme is totally transparent.

These body scanners are brilliant. I normally have to pay £10 a time for this sort of entertainment but now I get paid to watch…sorry madam can you go back through! (gruff male voice, builder-esque

"These politicians are scoundrels, I am voting for nobody. Well actually I am voting for a nobody, Nick Clegg's his name."

Islamists marching through Wooton Basset. What next? Environmentalists marching through London about climate change. It's democracy gone mad.

"The snow really brings out the Blitz spirit. Me and the family really enjoyed rewatching Colditz

Quote: yo_diamond @ January 15 2010, 8:53 PM GMT

Topical comedy at the Beeb is in the grip of the Oxbridge mafia. My worry is, who is reading these sketches ? a hassled intern who doesn't hugely care?

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Yawn. Please read this: http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/writersroom/2010/01/newsjack_uncut_actually_no_tha.shtml

And believe me, if you're interning (which is almost always unpaid) in any media company, you are absolutely desperate to impress and do your very best at any task you're given.