Quote: CKY88 @ January 14 2010, 5:08 PM GMT3) Would I take my clothes off to pay back my student loan? Hell yeah I'd take my clothes off for a big mac!
I'm not familiar with the story but the line is very good 
Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 4
Here's my pile of useless foreskins for you to ridicule. I stole one of them from a mate, so you might have heard it before -
Vox Pops –
Little Girl – 'She is a beautiful princess and he is a growl-y beast. Everyone attacks him and calls him ugly but she loves him and then everyone else likes him and then they all live happily ever after. I'm glad the One Show is back from it's Christmas break.'
Parent on street – 'I spent all day yesterday with my children – sledding, building snowmen, having snow ball fights – it was bloody awful. When will the government pull their fingers out and make sure the schools stay open?'
Young Woman – 'They say that in these harsh wintery conditions that we should look out for our neighbours in case they run into trouble. Well, my 87 year old neighbour hasn't checked on me once…and the lazy bitch has let two weeks worth of milk bottles stack up outside her front door.'
Corrections –
Our Sports Department would like to make a full apology to footballer Emanuel Adibayor after we got our wires crossed. We now realise that when he said he was 'approached by the Gunners' that he wasn't talking about Arsenal F.C., and we would also like to apologise for our subsequent question asking whether the African Cup of Nations will end in a shoot out.
As I guess Newsjack are not going to get in touch with me ...
VOX POPS
TAXI DRIVER
So, the Government are going to provide laptops and access to the internet to thousands of kids - finally, some good news. Mainly for online paedophiles; but it's a start.
TEENAGER
Did you hear about that KFC advert where the Aussie hands out fried chicken to loads of West Indian cricket fans? Apparently it is so racist that even some Americans complained!
TEENAGER
It's weird that Egypt has deported George Galloway. A few thousand years ago they worshipped cats didnt they?
or
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
Well, it is outrageous that Egypt has deported George Galloway; I mean, he could be back here any minute!
IRISH WOMAN
AFter having sex with a teenage lad its not surprising that iris Robinson has lost the support of her party or the Irish electorate. Although I understand her Parish priest has been very understanding about the whole thing.
Quote: ShoePie @ January 14 2010, 5:18 PM GMTI'm not familiar with the story but the line is very good
It was a story in the good old Sun, http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2803046/60-of-students-would-do-porn.html
Thanks for feedback.
My efforts:
Guy Ritchie plans to open a brewery and has created a range of new ales. According to reports, his first two beers are quite tasty, but the rest are pretentious and hard to swallow.
The adult entertainment industry has unveiled an interactive sex doll who can talk about football. She's a Manchester United fan, so she'll demand an extra six minutes action.
David Beckham has asked Gordon Ramsay to take care of his dog while he's in Milan. Luckily for Ramsay, she doesn't eat much.
The arctic conditions have led to a severe salt shortage. This is a disaster for Britain's roads and Kerry Katona's local chip shop.
It's been reported that sex twice a week reduces the risk of a heart attack; fuelling rumours of immortality for Katie Price.
A doctor has been jailed for sucking the breasts of a patient. In his defence, the girl was lactating lager out of her left breast, and cider out of her right, so he assumed that it was a snakebite.
Bobby Davro has said he would give his right arm to win Dancing On Ice. Unfortunately for the alleged comic, a similar deal has already been struck by Heather Mills.
Myleene Klass has been reprimanded for scaring off yobs by brandishing an offensive weapon. She dangled Danny Foster out of a window.
Susan Boyle is to appear alongside Oprah Winfrey. It's either a dull television show or pioneering shock therapy for Russell Brand.
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 14 2010, 5:28 PM GMTCorrections –
Our Sports Department would like to make a full apology to footballer Emanuel Adibayor after we got our wires crossed. We now realise that when he said he was 'approached by the Gunners' that he wasn't talking about Arsenal F.C., and we would also like to apologise for our subsequent question asking whether the African Cup of Nations will end in a shoot out.
I like this one although it is a touchy subject, I think it should have ended when it says 'he wasn't talking about Arsena F.C'
Good stuff
Gerry you got at least 4 or 5 on there that cracked me up 
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 14 2010, 5:28 PM GMTYoung Woman – 'They say that in these harsh wintery conditions that we should look out for our neighbours in case they run into trouble. Well, my 87 year old neighbour hasn't checked on me once…and the lazy bitch has let two weeks worth of milk bottles stack up outside her front door.'
I particularly like this one.
Quote: CKY88 @ January 14 2010, 5:41 PM GMTI like this one although it is a touchy subject, I think it should have ended when it says 'he wasn't talking about Arsena F.C'
Good stuff
Gerry you got at least 4 or 5 on there that cracked me up
Nice one
It's the only outing these boys are going to get:
Harriet Harman is having high-tech parking cameras fitted to the rear of her car. Pictures will be transmitted direct to her mobile phone.
BB-GEORDIE: Which is less welcome: a fart in a spacesuit or a Trump in the Big Brother house? You decide.
GORDON BROWN: We had a seemingly impossible task meeting the strict conditions laid down by Iceland President, Mr Grimmson, for the return of the 3.5 billion pounds. I'm delighted to say I was joined by Mr Grimmson in Hull earlier today and I was able to show him that it has indeed frozen over.
Chins up, fellow losers.
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 14 2010, 5:28 PM GMTCorrections –
Our Sports Department would like to make a full apology to footballer Emanuel Adibayor after we got our wires crossed. We now realise that when he said he was 'approached by the Gunners' that he wasn't talking about Arsenal F.C., and we would also like to apologise for our subsequent question asking whether the African Cup of Nations will end in a shoot out.
News based Tourette's genius from Renegade Carpark.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 14 2010, 5:37 PM GMTThe adult entertainment industry has unveiled an interactive sex doll who can talk about football. She's a Manchester United fan, so she'll demand an extra six minutes action.
David Beckham has asked Gordon Ramsay to take care of his dog while he's in Milan. Luckily for Ramsay, she doesn't eat much.
A doctor has been jailed for sucking the breasts of a patient. In his defence, the girl was lactating lager out of her left breast, and cider out of her right, so he assumed that it was a snakebite.
And these were smart too. Nice ones Gerry.
Quote: Renegade Carpark @ January 14 2010, 5:28 PM GMTCorrections –
Our Sports Department would like to make a full apology to footballer Emanuel Adibayor after we got our wires crossed. We now realise that when he said he was 'approached by the Gunners' that he wasn't talking about Arsenal F.C., and we would also like to apologise for our subsequent question asking whether the African Cup of Nations will end in a shoot out.
That's so funny RC, perhaps a bit too contentious for them to consider?
I sent about 5 but I reckon it was 1 of these 2 that got used at the recording, perhaps Jane P could confirm...
"I was so worried about panic buying, I went out and bought all the milk in our local store to make sure it wouldn't happen."
"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a social drinker. Who enjoys his own company."
I was at the recording too, and I don't remember either of those.
Hm. Shows I *really* don't know what they are looking for. Well, then it must have been one of these... But none of these are nearly as good as any of the rejections posted in this thread already... 
I don't mind politicians organising a coup via text messages, but I want to know whether they claim expenses for the whole bundle if they do.
If I grit my path with salt, does that count towards my nine grams allowance a day?
Newsbullet:
Scores of die-hard fans of the new James Cameron film Avatar were thought to have queued round the block to see the movie on the big screen last night. However it transpired that the line of nerds had not painted themselves blue but instead succumbed to frostbite.
Well, its week two of endeavour to write jokes and would you believe STILL no success - I demand recognition!!! Anyway, here are duds for this week
VOX POPS:
1. I wish people would just get on with it and stop griping about this bloody weather. I mean, what ever happened to the British stiff upper lip? The only person with a stiff upper lip now is my Dad - and he's had a stroke.
2. Oh no… I think internal cavity searches would be a great idea. I mean, you never know what people hide in their teeth.
3.
PERSON #1:Three years he had the hiccups wasn't it?
PERSON #2:And he only got rid of them after a doctor said he had a tumour.
PERSON #1:Jeez. I know fright is supposed clear them but that's pushing it.
SHORTS:
1. Last Friday police in Glasgow discovered heroin valued at £1.6m hidden in a Lego box. Although there is ample evidence, detectives fear it may take some time to build a suitable case.
2. As the cold snap continues The National Grid has warned of diminishing fuel supplies in the UK. However, speaking on his podcast this week, the Prime Minister clearly had an ample supply of hot air.
NEWSBULLET
PRESENTER #1:Entertainment bullet.
PRESENTER #2:It seems Endemol is not ending-it-all, after-all.
PRESENTER #1adly, the televisual turd Big Brother may be hanging around our screen a while longer.
PRESENTER #2:Yes, rumours being flushed from the production company's underbelly hint at a number of possible spin-offs.
PRESENTER #1
otential shows include 'Big Brothers', where previous winners would compete with their elder siblings in the house.
PRESENTER #2:A wrestling based show called 'Big Daddy' is also being mooted.
PRESENTER #1:And Sophie Dahl is being lined up to appear in 'Big Bird'.
Obviously, I am new to this tradeso I am still finding my feet...
Jay