The English

Int Pub. Day.

Group of people are gathered around a table in a bar. Everyone is chatting and joking. Ted walks over with some drinks. He stumbles and spills them over his friends. Anger erupts.

Mark : You northern monkey! What do doing down here anyway? Piss off back to the cotton mills, f**kwit.

Loud Shouts of Approval from the friends. And Ted disappears. Laugher and merriment ensue for a few seconds.

Debbie coughs and fails to put her hand over her month.

Mark : Arrgh. You disgusting country bumbkin. Didn't learn manners? Oh no, too busy learning how to shag your brother.

Loud Shouts of Approval from the friends. Debbie disappears outraged at her treatment. Laugher and merriment ensue for a few seconds.

Brian breaks wind.

Mark : You smelly f**ker. Typical North Londoner. You wouldn't be f**king let in South of the river – No class have ya, Tosser.

Loud Shouts of Approval from the friends. Brian disappears outraged at his treatment. Laugher and merriment ensue for a few seconds.

Colin sneezes.

Mark : All over my f**king burger. You Southwark scum. Piss off or I'll cut ya.

Loud Shouts of Approval from what remains of the friends. Colin disappears outraged at his treatment. Laugher and merriment ensue for a few seconds.

Neil takes a drink, and then starts choking spitting ale everywhere.

Mark ; Larger, lime and f**king gob all over me now. You station road, Muppet! We live in a cul-de-sac, you wouldn't get in, on the blacklist.

Loud Shouts of Approval from the one woman remaining . Neil disappears outraged at his treatment. Laugher and merriment ensue for a few seconds.

Carol starts going through her bag and leaves stuff all over the side.

Mark : You messy f**king bitch. Call yourself a wife. You're like this at f**king home, that's why we live in a shithole. I'd be better on my own, just f**k off.

Carol disappears outraged at her treatment. Mark looks around there is no-one to have a laugh and merriment with.

The large plasma screen flicks to life.

TV: And now Match of the Day. England v Scotland.

Loud cheers and all the friends rush back to the table full of smiles. Pan out to see a similar group of Scottish supporters at a nearby table.

English Friends : You Scottish F**kers. Eng –er- land, Eng-er-land, Eng–er-land.

End.

I like it but I'd have preferred a different 'twist' at the end. Maybe something a bit more left-field.

You didn't, by any chance, cut and paste a lot of this, did you?

<cue laugher>

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ January 13 2010, 6:38 PM GMT

You didn't, by any chance, cut and paste a lot of this, did you?

View original

An excellent tool.

Cheers for the comments Dan.

I didn't quite get it until the end.
Then I got it & liked it.

I've just reread it and I'm not sure if I get it now.

Enjoyed it. Enjoyed the concept, I had to think about it but it was nice when it dawned on me. I agree with swerytd that a more satisfying punch would really make it.

Its like a nice moral story with humour.

I liked this big fella, vs

I'm the one that wears the blue..... its in my blood, God I get some stick watching the football down here <hides under table>

Quote: Jon Pearson @ January 14 2010, 4:01 PM GMT

God I get some stick watching the football down here <hides under table>

View original

I wonder why that is Jon?

Here is a sketch to commemorate Scottish Football -

Angus:

Och Nelly, where are all the English tourists this summer?

Nelly:

Have ye not heard Angus, they're all watching the 2010 World Cup.

Angus:

But they should be here buying my kilts and shortbread! Double English bastards!!!...Come on Nelly, let's go support Germany!

Nelly:

Seig Heil!

Thanks for the thoughts. I'll think on about the punch