British Comedy Guide

My Second Sketch ( Ancient Romans)

Today I have started to try writing sketches - just because I can, and partly because most feedback I get on sitcoms is 'the laughs are there but character development isn't'. This is my second sketch and would like feedback. I'm just trying to get ideas onto paper at the moment and understand they will , at a very minimum, need fine tuning.

****

ANCIENT ROME . EXT. DAY

A roman man walks down the cobbled streets parallel to the
river Tiber whistling a tune.

He comes to a builder ,who is hammering away, and stops.

JULIUS:
Cassius! Cassius!

The builder stops and turns to his friend.

CASSIUS:
Ahh Juilius. How art thou, on this
fine day?

Julius stomps his feet on the cobbles.

JULIUS:
I am well. And did you do all this?

Cassius nods.

CASSIUS:
Yes its a road, I've put them all
over Rome. What do you think?

JULIUS:
Amazing! It's the best thing
since... since...

CASSIUS:
Satire?

JULIUS:
It certainly is.

They both chuckle.

JULIUS:
I'll see you tomorrow at I-X-C
hours.

Julius turns to walk off.

CASSIUS:
Julius. Hold up! There's somebody I
want you to meet.

Cassius looks behind and downwards.



CASSIUS:
Marcus! Marcus!

A teenage roman boy climbs up the river bank onto the
cobbles.

MARCUS:
Yes father.

JULIUS:
Father?

CASSIUS:
Yes, Julius. This is my son,
Marcus.

Julius chokes. He smiles at Marcus.

JULIUS:
Hello Marcus.

MARCUS:
Hi. Sorry, but I got to get back to
work.

Cassius ruffles Marcus' hair before the boy jumps back down.

JULIUS:
A son? I never knew.

CASSIUS:
Neither did I until Aelia came
knocking last week.

JULIUS:
Aelia? You and Aelia?!

Cassius winces and shakes his head.

CASSIUS:
It was a long time ago. We were at
Caesar's Palace and both had one
too many mulsums, and one thing led
to another.

JULIUS:
And you didn't have protection.

Cassius winces.

CASSIUS:
It was with the Blacksmith.


JULIUS:
OOh , Cas -

CASSIUS:
It's fine. Now I've got a beautiful
15 year old son.

JULIUS:
Fifteen years. That's a lot of time
to catch up on.

Cassius looks back at the frame the structure.

CASSIUS:
I know. But we're building bridges.

JULIUS:
But then what?

CASSIUS:
Then we keep building until this
whole city is complete.

JULIUS:
Oh Saturn! How longs that gonna
take?

Cassius shrugs his shoulders.

CASSIUS:
A day?

End

The stuff about the roads is a good start but the section about the son seems irrelevant to the the rest of it even thought it kind of links back in with the bridges line. There's some quite nice lines in there but IMHO it's too long and lacks focus. :)

Thank you for the feedback. Definitely will tkae it on board

Roads and built in a day are good gags. But lots of filler there, basically with a sketch anything that dioesn't advance the joke is superfluos.

Quote: LiamNewman-future star @ January 13 2010, 4:13 PM GMT

Thank you for the feedback. Definitely will tkae it on board

So after some rewriting it could be ok?

Quote: LiamNewman-future star @ January 13 2010, 4:42 PM GMT

So after some rewriting it could be ok?

I would say so but anything could be ok after its been rewritten. :) Give it another go and stick it up.

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