The Magnificent Chums

Animated short about four foul-mouthed football fans set in a London pub based on threads on a football forum. I'll post the other three pages if you like it.

Ep. 1 "The E-mail"

INT. PUB - DAY

JACK, ZAK, JAKE ARE SITTING HAVING A PLEASANT CHAT IN THE PUB. JOCK BURSTS IN.

JOCK
(holding up a piece of paper)
Did you send me this e-mail, Jack?

JACK TAKES THE PIECE OF PAPER AND READS IT.

JOCK
It's the Euro 2008 qualification group that includes Scotland.

JACK
(handing the paper back)
The one where the top team gets to qualify and that team only and Scotland finished third?

ZAK AND JAKE BURST OUT LAUGHING.

JOCK
Where were you on September 12th 2007 when we beat France?

ZAK
Giving your Dad AIDS.

JAKE
Jack's got a point.

JOCK
(to Zak)
At least I can still get a hard on you obese c**t. When was the last time you saw your cock? I bet you're still a virgin.

JAKE
Zak could go on a diet. You can't help being a c**t.

JOCK
I only come here because we're all Spurs fans. Why send me that?

JAKE
Because you're a f**king c**t who gave it Billy Big Bollocks when England didn't qualify for Euro 2008 even though you didn't but you managed to beat France twice.

ZAK
Because you're the only Scot he knows? Or because you were giving it the big "Scotland are better than England" shizzle during the last tournament neither of our countries qualified for?

JOCK
I didn't mean to upset your boyfriend. I just hate greedy obese c**ts.

ZAK
Stop selling deep-fried pizzas then, you c**t.

JACK
You lost 4-0 to Norway.

JOCK
I think my e-mail should've come through, Jack.

JACK GETS OUT HIS PHONE AND READS THE E-MAIL.

JACK
It's the qualification table for Euro 2008 where England didn't qualify.

ZAK
Qualifying for the World Cup is better than qualifying for the Euros. England have. Scotland haven't. Get over yourself.

JOCK
England failed to qualify after a sensational game at Wembley. Mladen Petric is better than Wayne Rooney.

JAKE
Yes. Two years ago. You haven't even qualified for South Africa. England still have an outside chance of winning it and you didn't even win the Euros, did you? That's the thing about time. You can't change what has already happened, but you can change what is yet to happen.

IMHO, just seems abit fottbally and sweary, and I'm struggling to see the comedy?? But it may just go over my head, I'm a rugby bloke

Seems pretty realistic though, I've overheard a simliar converstation in pubs.

There's no apparent plot and I also echo Jon's comments re: sweary and football. If the extract above is a standalone episode then we should've seen a story developing and it should've end on a strong laugh but if this is just page one of a 4 page episode maybe those elements are present on the other three pages. Although even then, story should be developing on page 1.

Also naming characters with such similar names is not a great idea - Jack and Jock and Jake. If similar names are needed for a joke or some other device, Bill and Will are more acceptable forms of similar names due to the initial character varying like Jack and Zak. But all four sharing the same end can be confusing to a tired script-reader.