Faulty Electrics

INT. DAY – KITCHEN

JONATHAN IS IN HIS DRESSING GOWN, IMOGEN IS IN WORK CLOTHES.

IMOGEN
Couldn't they have given you an exact time they'd be here?

JONATHAN
It was a really bad line and I was just trying to keep things as short as possible. Also, it gives me a good excuse to take a day off work! [HE FLOPS BACK ON THE SETTEE LOOKING SMUG]

IMOGEN
[LOOKING PEEVED] Well, some us have to work today [SHE CHECKS HER WATCH] and unfortunately I'm one of them.

JONATHAN
[STRETCHES OUT] Have a nice day at work.

IMOGEN
I won't.

EXIT IMOGEN. A FEW SECONDS PASS AND THE DOOR BELL RINGS. JONATHAN SLOWLY GETS UP AND APPROACHES THE FRONT DOOR.

JONATHAN
(SHOUTING TO DOOR) Forgotten your keys again?

JONATHAN OPENS THE DOOR AND THERE ARE THREE CHIMPANZEES DRESSED IN BLUE OVERALLS HOLDING SCREWDRIVERS AND HAMMERS. ONE IS WEARING A FLAT CAP.

JONATHAN
Oh hi! Are you here about the faulty electrics?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN
Great. Come through. Oh, could you take your shoes off, pl... [HE LOOKS DOWN AND NOTICES THEY AREN'T WEARING SHOES] Not to worry.

JONATHAN WALKS IN TO THE KITCHEN WITH THE CHIMPANZEES TRAILING BEHIND.

JONATHAN
Right, well, basically the electrics keep cutting out. I was hoping you'd be able to find out what the problem is, because I literally know nothing about this kind of thing.

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN
Oh good, that's reassuring to know.

CUT TO: INT. DAY – KITCHEN

THE CHIMPS ARE ATTENDING TO HOLES IN THE WALLS, WITH CABLES PULLED OUT. THE ROOM IS A STATE. ENTER JONATHAN.

JONATHAN
[TAKING STOCK OF THE DAMAGE] Whoa! It's a big job isn't it?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN
Would you like a cup of tea, lads?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN
Oh yes, silly me, no electricity! Well, I'll leave you to it.

CUT TO: INT. DAY – KITCHEN

THE CHIMPS ARE PACKING UP THEIR TOOLS. THE CABLES ARE STILL HANGING OUT OF THE WALLS AND THE HOLES ARE STILL AS BIG. ENTER JONATHAN.

JONATHAN
How are you getting on?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES. JONATHAN STARTS TO LOOK ANGRY.

JONATHAN
But you've got to come back, you haven't 'made good' yet [HE FLICKS A LIGHT SWITCH] and the electrics aren't even working.

THE CHIMPS WALK BLITHELY PAST HIM. HE FOLLOWS THEM IN TO THE HALLWAY.

JONATHAN
Look, come on guys, I really need you to sort this out, my girlfriend will kill me if she sees it left like this.

FLAT CAP CHIMP TURNS AROUND AND HANDS JONATHAN A SLIP OF PAPER.

JONATHAN
What's this?

SHOT FROM JONATHAN'S POV HOLDING THE SHEET OF PAPER. THE WORD 'INVOICE' IS SEEN AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE, UNDERNEATH THERE IS A MASS OF INDECIPHERABLE SCRAWL.

JONATHAN
This is just ridiculous! I'm just not paying this.

FLAT CAP CHIMP HOLDS HIS FIST OUT AT JONATHAN.

JONATHAN
Alright, alright. I'll pay you, there's no need for violence.

CUT TO: INT. DAY HALLWAY

JONATHAN WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY TO THE FRONT DOOR WHERE THE CHIMPS ARE STOOD.

JONATHAN
Here you go, you bloody crooks!

JONATHAN HANDS THEM AN ARMFUL OF BANANAS.

END OF SKETCH

I think visually this could look funny but it seems too long. The funny thing for me is the absurdity of the chiumps doing the electrics but we go through a lot to get to that stage. I don't understand why that is.

The payment with bananas was good but I think the "cheap as chimps" line seems a bit dated.

You are the man for whom invisible ink was created.

Quote: James @ January 9 2010, 11:30 AM GMT

I think visually this could look funny but it seems too long. The funny thing for me is the absurdity of the chiumps doing the electrics but we go through a lot to get to that stage. I don't understand why that is.

The payment with bananas was good but I think the "cheap as chimps" line seems a bit dated.

View original

Thanks, James. My intention was to establish a 'normal' setting for an absurd gag, but it probably is still too long. Yeah, the 'cheap as chimps' needs cutting. Cheers.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ January 9 2010, 12:30 PM GMT

You are the man for whom invisible ink was created.

View original

Not particularly constructive there Godot. You know, you don't have to comment. I didn't use ink anyway.

I thought that when I read it, but I think you'd capture that more effectively if your writing was a little more understated. Lines like 'especially after the ceiling falling in incident' are possibly a bit too written to create that impression. But I got what you were going for; clearly that bit dosen't work on the page as you need the naturalistic acting, but I got it. The monkey stuff was funny. Cheap as chimps is unnessecary, it's the kind of sketch that's odd enough to be able to lurch off on it's own accord without a punchline.

Quote: evelynblake @ January 9 2010, 3:04 PM GMT

I thought that when I read it, but I think you'd capture that more effectively if your writing was a little more understated. Lines like 'especially after the ceiling falling in incident' are possibly a bit too written to create that impression. But I got what you were going for; clearly that bit dosen't work on the page as you need the naturalistic acting, but I got it. The monkey stuff was funny. Cheap as chimps is unnessecary, it's the kind of sketch that's odd enough to be able to lurch off on it's own accord without a punchline.

View original

Cheers, EB.

I'm glad you could see what I was attempting, it is very much a first draft so I appreciate your observations. Don't get many shows using chimps these days though.

Dialogue with his partner is very realistic but it definitely goes on too long and the pay off just doesn't hit the spot.

The first half can be lost easily in my opinion. It's all justification for chimps turning up but they do anyway without their client batting an eyelid. This sort of sketch only works well if the bizarre is done as natural. I'd like the girlfriend to turn up at the end too, to escalate his problem.

Quote: Badge @ January 9 2010, 4:22 PM GMT

The first half can be lost easily in my opinion. It's all justification for chimps turning up but they do anyway without their client batting an eyelid.

View original

Agreed. The first half can be lost easily and I had a go at it. Chopped and changed a few lines... but it's still a sketch built around a pun!

Anyway, here it is:
________________________________________________________________________________

INT. DAY. KITCHEN

JONATHAN IS SITTING HAVING HIS BREAKFAST. FRONT DOOR BELL RINGS. HE RISES, EXITS

INT. HALLWAY. DAY.

JONATHAN OPENS THE DOOR AND THERE ARE THREE CHIMPANZEES DRESSED IN BLUE OVERALLS HOLDING SCREWDRIVERS AND HAMMERS. ONE IS WEARING A FLAT CAP.

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN:
Ah yes, electricians. Come through. Oh, could you take your shoes off, pl --- (HE NOTICES THEY'RE BAREFOOT} Er - not to worry.

INT. DAY. KITCHEN.

JONATHAN WALKS IN TO THE KITCHEN WITH THE CHIMPANZEES TUMBLING BEHIND.

JONATHAN:
Right, well, basically the electrics keep cutting out. I'm hopeless at electrics.

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN:
Ha! That's what the wife says!

FADE OUT

FADE IN

THE CHIMPS ARE ATTENDING TO HOLES IN THE WALLS, WITH CABLES PULLED OUT. THE ROOM IS IN A STATE. JONATHAN ENTERS.

JONATHAN:
[TAKING STOCK OF THE DAMAGE] Whoa! It's a big job isn't it?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN:
Certainly. You both want sugar?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN:
But why not? I don't mi ---

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES LOUDER

JONATHAN:
Oh yes, silly me, electric kettle - no electric! Well, I'll leave you to it.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

THE CHIMPS ARE PACKING UP THEIR TOOLS. THE CABLES ARE STILL HANGING OUT OF THE WALLS AND THE HOLES ARE STILL AS BIG.. ENTER JONATHAN.

JONATHAN:
Hows it going?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN ANGRILY FLICKS A LIGHT SWITCH – IT DOESN'T WORK

JONATHAN:
You're joking!

THE CHIMPS WALK BLITHELY PAST HIM. HE RUSHES AFTER THEM AS THEY EXIT KITCHEN.

INT. HALLWAY. DAY.

JONATHAN GRABS CAPPED CHIMP BY THE SHOULDER.

JONATHAN:
Hey! You haven't finished yet!

FLAT CAP CHIMP TURNS AROUND AND HANDS JONATHAN A SLIP OF PAPER.

SHOT FROM JONATHAN'S POV HOLDING THE SHEET OF PAPER. THE WORD 'QUOTE' IS SEEN AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE, UNDERNEATH THERE IS A MASS OF INDECIPHERABLE SCRAWL.

JONATHAN:
This is just ridiculous! I'm not paying this.

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREAMS AND SHAKES FIST AT JONATHAN.

JONATHAN:
(SCARED) That's a very good point. How much?

FLAT CAP CHIMP SCREECHES.

JONATHAN:
Fair enough.

JONATHAN RUSHES OFF AND RUSHES BACK WITH AN ARMFUL OF BANANAS.

JONATHAN:
Here you go, you can peel them yourselves!

THE CHIMPS SAUNTER OFF WITH BANANAS TO THEIR VAN WHICH READS 'CHEAP AS CHIMPS' ON THE SIDE.

________________________________________________________________________________

Quote: The Giggle-o @ January 9 2010, 2:46 PM GMT

Thanks, James. My intention was to establish a 'normal' setting for an absurd gag, but it probably is still too long. Yeah, the 'cheap as chimps' needs cutting. Cheers.

Not particularly constructive there Godot. You know, you don't have to comment. I didn't use ink anyway.

View original

It's too long. It requires very elaborate set-up: at least two sets, exterior filming, a transfer for the side of a van (not to mention van hire) monkey costumes and a pyrotechnics technician to make the toaster blow up. All for what? It's not even funny.

You're entitled to write and post what you want, but in my view this sketch is obviously a non-starter and falls far bellow any criteria for being realistically broadcastable. It is a waste of time.

That is what I was trying to convey through my joke - plus to give a smile to anyone who opened the thread looking for a laugh.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ January 9 2010, 2:46 PM GMT

My intention was to establish a 'normal' setting for an absurd gag, but it probably is still too long.

View original

Hi Giggle-O. There should be no 'probably' in that sentence. It's too long. Naturalism in setup and brevity aren't mutually exclusive.

But, on balance, it is a nice image when we hit the chimp section.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ January 9 2010, 5:16 PM GMT

in my view this sketch is obviously a non-starter and falls far bellow any criteria for being realistically broadcastable. It is a waste of time.

View original

CUT TO:

The Premiere of 'Faulty Electrics' The Musical!

Starring Johnny Depp (Jonathan), Kathy Burke (Imogen) and The Chuckle Brothers (Two Wise Monkeys).

Quote: Morrace @ January 9 2010, 5:46 PM GMT

CUT TO:

The Premiere of 'Faulty Electrics' The Musical!

Starring Johnny Depp (Jonathan), Kathy Burke (Imogen) and The Chuckle Brothers (Two Wise Monkeys).

View original

That's two jokes in this thread anyway.

Your original comment seemed to stretch further than just this sketch though Godot, more aimed at me than the sketch. I take your later comments on board.

Thanks for the edit Morrace. Badge and SlagA thanks for your thoughts too.

It was only an idea and I wanted to see if people thought there was anything in it. If I comment on other people's stuff I always try to be constructive or offer encouragement but for some reason I seem to court derision, I'm only trying to get an idea of things from other people not saying 'this is the funniest thing ever'.

Don't take it personally Giggle-o. At some distant subterranean level you already have my respect by getting your writing out. Don't ever expect to see that respect manifested unless you make me laugh however.