Newsjack Quickie Failures

Use this thread to share your rejected vox pops and corrections for series 2. I'll dig out mine in a sec.

For sketches just start your own thread for each sketch.

From the other thread, jayaitch wrote...

Quote: jayaitch @ January 7 2010, 9:27 PM GMT

Well,no joy for me. Here are my submissions for this week. Please comment on my lack of success... These are my first ever attempts at writing so don't be too harsh,although any help will always be appreciated:

Vox Pops
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No. 1
What? The police are spending seventy grand a day hiring out cars? (PAUSE) I thought Sting was a bit of a greenie?

No. 2
Yeah well what about that arms truck that went missing in Yemen then? I mean, did the legs and torsos make it okay?

No.3
My predictions for 2010? See that Simon Cowell? See during the 2010 X Factor final. I can absolutely guarantee that he'll say, to whoever the star guest performing at the end is, that 'they've made it through to the next round'. (GETS ANGRY) And I'll tell you what. (ANGRIER) Everyone will laugh. (EVEN ANGRIER) 'Cause it is hilarious isn't it?! It's very, very funny!

Short joke
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Danish police have advised cartoonist Kurt Westergaard to increase security around his home after two more intruders attempted to break in. The nationality of the suspects is unknown, however, one yelled "meep, meep" at police before both fled the scene on an a Jet Propelled Pogo Stick.

Like I said, first ever attempts at writing. I am gona stick with short jokes/vox pops/corrections for the run of the show just try and improve my writing.

Thoughts?

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Vox Pops: First one is ok but not stand out; Second is probably too tasteless for them to consider; I really liked the third but not sure it actually has a joke in it. I still found it funny though.

Your final short joke is not the sort of thing they do on the show, so it's not really worth sending jokes unless you can adapt them into a vox pop or correction.

Keep it going - there were quite a few people from here who had crept onto the credits list by the end of series 1.

Cheers for that Badge.

Im gonna listen to the show tonight to get a better idea of what they are really after. I did listen to the show from July but still unsure what they really want. But hey, we all gotta start to walk somewhere and this is where my heel transposes its weigt to the big toe, so to speak.

I wrote those on the Sunday/Monday before submitting them Monday night - I just stumbled across this site on Saturday and found out about Newsjack then.

I am just treating this whole thing as an education. Seeing how it goes and hoping to get better.

OK, these are my first ever attempts at writing too. So I realise they're bad (empty inbox tells me that), but I need all the advice I can get -

VOX POPS

Stephen Fry works for the Daily Mail doesn't he? I read online that he was leaving twitter to write his book. And then the next day it was in the newspaper, exactly the same. He shouldn't be allowed to do that. He should let it be in the newspaper first before he puts it online. Otherwise, what's the point in buying the Daily Mail?

Simon Cowell says he wants to make politics more show business. Well, loads of people worry about immigration. So this year it should be 'Immigrants have the X Factor'. The winner gets to stay here while those voted off have to go back where they came from. And if it's really dangerous, like a war zone or something, they'll know it's their own fault. They should have picked a better song.

I hate to admit it, but this week I've got a bit of a crush on Dane Bowers. That's bad isn't it? I feel sorry for him though. He can't help being Dane Bowers. People always say "Oh he seems like a nice guy but, y'know, he's Dane Bowers". But really it's his parents' fault. You try living with that name and not getting hit.

NEWSBULLET

In other news: 'National Treasure' or 'Mad Old Bint' Lynda La Plante has complained of racial and possibly sexual prejudice at the BBC. Ms Plante contests that the BBC are more willing to read a script by a young Muslim boy than one in which a female police officer gradually wins the respect of her sexist male colleagues. La Plante is a highly respected writer responsible for a huge body of work collectively known as 'Prime Suspect. Not All With Helen Mirren'. Newsjack has spoken to the BBC Drama Department, who told us "This department is committed to producing top quality drama covering a wide variety of subjects. We can confirm that we would rather read a script by a young Muslim boy. Or by Helen Mirren".

Ooh, thank's zooo for weaving your secret magic.

Here are my vox flops this week. Pummel, praise or ignore.

I see the Ultimo bra woman got an OBE. Well, if they're going to hand out honours for giving inflated support to a pair of tits then Louis Walsh must be due a knighthood.

When I heard the Master was returning I was very pleased but it seems he really has been replaced by Chris Evans after all.

John Major's one to talk! He has a go at Blair for going into Iraq without good reason, but he kept very quiet when he did the same thing to Edwina Currie.

Sydney's new year fireworks were carbon neutral were they? Don't give me that – I flew ten thousand miles just to see 'em!

My epic failures:

Vox Pops:

I think it's terrible that the Chinese are executing mentally ill Brits. Looking on the bright side, it'll help Sheryl Gascoigne out with gift ideas.

Dane Bowers and Alex Reid are both in Celebrity Big Brother. I wish Katie Price would stop getting her tits out.

Frank Lampard is dating some new WAG named Christine Bleakley. What's she ever done? Oh yeah, I'll give her 'One'.

Newsbullet:

It's been announced that The Who will perform at this year's Super Bowl half-time show. Pete Townsend is looking forward to seeing some sacks and the odd little tackle, but only for research purposes.

Sportsbullet:

The super fight between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao is in doubt after the Pretty Boy insinuated that the Pac-Man was on drugs. Apparently, he can eat magic pellets that make him invincible.

Wayne Rooney has bought his wife a Wii fit for Christmas, in a bid to help her get in shape. She could lose 12 stone of ugly fat by leaving him.

Corrections:

Due to recent events with Danish cartoonists, we would like to correct a joke we made in the last series. The correct answer to the question 'How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb' should have been, 'One, because they're such a great bunch of capable lads.'

Keeper, your vox pops probably need to be shorter.

You need ideas that can be conveyed in a sentence or two. Setup-punch. The ones you've posted above are quite complex ideas that need a lot of explaining.

Here's one from series one (not mine) that shows the structure.

WOMAN WITH LISP: I'm really sad that I was not picked as a living statue in Trafalgar Square. But I suppose one day my plinth will come.

Actually, you can just look at examples from this thread, now I think about it.

Good point Kevin. I re-listened to the episode online and heard that one. But I'll be studying the episode tonight for a better idea.

Quote: jayaitch @ January 7 2010, 10:09 PM GMT

Good point Kevin. I re-listened to the episode online and heard that one. But I'll be studying the episode tonight for a better idea.

View original

I was referring to Keeper's vox pops.

Yours were alright.

Isit okay just send in small jokes for Newsbullet too? I thought you had to wrte a whole sketch for it!!

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 7 2010, 10:01 PM GMT

Wayne Rooney has bought his wife a Wii fit for Christmas, in a bid to help her get in shape. She could lose 12 stone of ugly fat by leaving him.

Corrections:

Due to recent events with Danish cartoonists, we would like to correct a joke we made in the last series. The correct answer to the question 'How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb' should have been, 'One, because they're such a great bunch of capable lads.'

View original

These are great. The first one probably needs a slight re-wording. So it's:

Wayne Rooney bought his wife a Wii fit for Christmas, in a bid to help her get in shape. Or she could instantly lose 12 stone of ugly fat by just leaving him.

But they are very solid one liners. Nice one.

Quote: R.J. @ January 7 2010, 10:18 PM GMT

These are great. The first one probably needs a slight re-wording. So it's:

Wayne Rooney bought his wife a Wii fit for Christmas, in a bid to help her get in shape. Or she could instantly lose 12 stone of ugly fat by just leaving him.

But they are very solid one liners. Nice one.

View original

Thanks very much R.J. I wish you worked for the BBC

Quote: Badge @ January 7 2010, 10:00 PM GMT

Ooh, thank's zooo for weaving your secret magic.

View original

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ January 7 2010, 10:23 PM GMT

Thanks very much R.J. I wish you worked for the BBC

View original

Those shysters!

Here's mine:

BITTER NORTHERN COMEDY WRITER: I was trying to get the maximum audience for my Radio 7 one-liners, so I posted them to this thread instead.

Thanks Kevin. I need to listen to the show more, but I can see from the others posted that mine are way too long. I think I'm more suited to writing long unedited drivel for a huge salary. But until I hear back about that job I'll have another go at this.