Boxed

I'm only posting a random sketch because I need the joy of feedback, like a crack addict needs err, crack?!

INT. BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

In some sleazy part of town, down a sleazier part of a back alley. A thug holds a knife to his victims throat.

THUG
Give me it, go on, give me it now.

VICTIM
No, no, you can't have it.

THUG
I'll cut your throat if you don't.

VICTIM
All right, all right, take it!

The victim reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small white box with the words 'DIGNITY' written on the side and hands it to the thug.

THUG
So this is what it looks like?

The thug pockets the box and hands him a new one from his pocket, with the words 'SHAME' on the side.

THUG
Here, you take this, I never use it any more.

VICTIM
Thanks.

The thug slowly steps away and then pulls the knife back, he then begins to run, but trips over a big box on the path, written on it 'GUILT'. As he stands back up and continues to run, another box falls out of his back pocket. The victim goes to pick it up, on it is written 'REMORSE'.

VICTIM
You've dropped this...oh why did you drop this?

He throws the box down and pulls out a spongey ball from his pocket, on it written 'ANGER' he squeezes the ball hard.

VICTIM
F**k!

END

I like it, bit of a chuckle, just wonder whether it could be pushed any further? Into a more surreal area. That's probably my instinct and not appropriate, just feel that more can be mined from this and not sure how.

Like the victim then finds something in his pocket and it's a box that says: Stray Erection.

But probably not that!

I actually like the 'Stray Erection', so to speak. I definitely think I can add more comedy, lol.

I should really stop posting first drafts, but to be fair, I did just write this for the sake of writing something, anything.

Cheers, btw Stu.

I loved the idea Leevil, a nice visual thing that seems very original in concept. Definitely something to develop.

Thought the sketch was good too. By develop, I mean there's more in there to develop into a series of ideas / situations.

Thanks Slag1.

I think I can probably get more out of the situation or even use it more cleverly. And if it is original, I wouldn't want to develop it into a series, I think the idea would quickly wear thin, I was easily tempted to write a longer scene, with more boxes and other ideas, but I think I got the point across already, I'd just prefer it to be a bit funnier.

I do like the idea, but I'm not sure it's a sketch. I think it's because it had a touch of the 'parable' about it.

Woooo! Very profound Lee.

Yer i agree with David...really nice. What a fantastic idea!!!!!

Yeah you should add more boxes. Maybe have items in the boxes to help the feelings aswell.

Lol, I thought too many boxes would wear the idea thin, but maybe I was wrong? But I'm still going to leave it as short as possible, with the satisfaction of a good sketch and leaving you wanting more.

Oooh yes - we want more!

I think that Armando Ianucci did something vaguely similar with cards but I very much prefer the direction that you took it in. It made me 'lol'.

Yes, is was at a dinner party wasn't it?

Gah, I can't compete with the Ianucci.

And thank you Cinnamon.

Hmm, it wasn't the same joke though. Maybe I'll try carrying notes instead of cash. I had a friend who gave a mugger a waller full of monopoly money and a card saying 'better luck next time.'

Quote: Leevil @ October 11, 2007, 8:22 PM

Yes, is was at a dinner party wasn't it?

Gah, I can't compete with the Ianucci.

And thank you Cinnamon.

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Yeah but Big Train also did a similar sketch at a conference. So now you also can't compete with Big Train