"The Jeremy Jagg Story"
The diaries of a controversial comedian and writer.
1 INT. JEREMY'S BEDROOM - DAY
JEREMY JAGG, a 36-year-old fair-haired male, lies in bed. Empty glasses, a half-empty whiskey bottle and an ashtray full of stubbed out fags is on the bedside cabinet along with an alarm clock that starts to 'beep'. It does little to wake him. We PAN OUTWARDS to reveal he lying beside a dodgy-looking BLONDE WOMAN.
CUT TO:
Black. Title card:
"The Jeremy Jagg Story"
INT. JEREMY'S BEDROOM - DAY
JEREMY is still lying in his bed alongside the BLONDE WOMAN. The alarm clock is still 'beeping'. In his semi-comatose state, he reaches forward to turn off the clock which he does. His eyes slowly open and he turns to look at the clock which reads: "11.45am". His eyes widen.
JEREMY
(disbelieving)
Oh f**k.
The Blonde Woman snorts in her sleep. Jeremy turns. His eyes widen again.
JEREMY
(twice as disbelieving)
Oh f**k.
Jeremy leaps out of bed and puts his pants on. He walks out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. JEREMY'S BATHROOM - DAY
JEREMY enters the bathroom.
"December 22 2009"
Jeremy looks at himself in the mirror, particularly at his scruffy hair.
JEREMY (V.O.)
Woke up late today in a haze of John Player Special and Jack Daniels. The mixture of strong tobacco and South-East American liquor seems to make people snort. Not on me, but on the scraggy fossil I shagged last night.
Jeremy takes out hair clippers and starts to shave his head.
JEREMY (V.O.)
Thank God I don't remember it, but there's always that awkward morning bit you remember that chills your spine, that makes you feel ashamed... and itchy.
Jeremy's head is now short. The hair that was on his head is now in the sink.
JEREMY (V.O.)
I thought I'd try a different look.
(looks down his pants)
But only on my head.
Jeremy turns on the tap to wash away the hair.
Jeremy takes out hair clippers and starts to shave his head.
JEREMY (V.O.)
Thank God I don't remember it, but there's always that awkward morning bit you remember that chills your spine, that makes you feel ashamed... and itchy.
Jeremy's head is now short. The hair that was on his head is now in the sink.
JEREMY (V.O.)
I thought I'd try a different look.
(looks down his pants)
But only on my head.
Jeremy turns on the tap to wash away the hair.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. JEREMY'S BATHROOM - DAY
JEREMY is shaving the last few stray hairs on his face. He emptys the plug.
CUT TO:
INT. JEREMY'S BEDROOM - DAY
The BLONDE WOMAN is lying upright, lighting up a fag. JEREMY enters with a towel round him.
BLONDE WOMAN
(noticing his short hair)
You had long hair when I came back here last night.
JEREMY
Speak for yourself, hun.
BLONDE WOMAN
Any chance of tea?
JEREMY
Starbucks does some for a few quid.
Jeremy takes out a suit and shirt from his wardrobe.
BLONDE WOMAN
Any chance of tea in here?
JEREMY
(putting on his clothes)
Haven't got any tea, plus I've got a TV recording to go to in half-an-hour.
BLONDE WOMAN
You don't have any tea?
JEREMY
No. Have you never met anyone who doesn't have any?
BLONDE WOMAN
Not until now.
JEREMY
First time for everything I suppose.
BLONDE WOMAN
(stubbing out the fag, getting out of bed)
I'll be off then.
(putting on her clothes)
I was quite excited last night. The thought of telling my mates I pulled
someone of the telly. Can't say I had a fun four-and-a-half minutes.
JEREMY
(buttoning his shirt, putting on his jacket)
Nice to know you timed a new Jagg record.
BLONDE WOMAN
Might've been a world record if you'd had another JD.
JEREMY
Well I think four was enough to take the taste of you away. I like to pace myself. Anyway, I live in Crouch End, the place full of records. It's got the Guinness World Record for the fastest cab service in north London. Why don't you try them out?
CUT TO:
INT. DANNY'S BEDROOM - DAY
JEREMY is looking out of his window. The BLONDE WOMAN looks up at him from the backseat of a taxi. She sticks his fingers up at him. He blows her a sarcastic kiss and the taxi pulls away.