This is a sketch my flat mate and I wrote for a new comedy sketch show being produced by the student TV station at my Uni. By the way, I lay no claim on any of the actual jokes used in this sketch. The sketch will be split into Scene 1 and Scene 2, with other sketches coming between the two.
INT. HOUSE, LOOKING AT DOOR. KNOCK AT THE DOOR. WOMAN OPENS DOOR. STOOD THE IS A DOOR TO DOOR SALES MAN WITH A BREIFCASE.
SALESMAN: Knock knock.
WOMAN: Sorry, who are you?
SALESMAN: Germany
WOMAN: Germany? What do you mean ‘Germany'?
SALESMAN: Germany salesmen knock on your door? There you go, you can have that one for free.
WOMAN: I don’t understand what you mean…
SALESMAN: Joe Biggly, formally of Biggly Giggly Joke Shop. I’m here to sell you jokes!
WOMAN: Your selling jokes?
SALESMAN: What do you call 500 lawyers under the ocean.
WOMAN: I have no idea.
SALESMAN: A good start. Budum chhhh.
WOMAN: My husband’s a lawyer.
SALESMAN: …ok…how about religion. We do a lovely range of religious jokes. Jesus walks into a hotel with the cross over his shoulder. He puts three nails on the counter and said "Will you put me up for the night?"
WOMAN REVEALS HER OTHER HAND FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. SHE IS HOLDING A BIBLE.
SALESMAN: You’re a hard woman to please…I can do you a buy-one-get-one-free offer on our politically incorrect jokes. Buy one racist joke and get a Bernard Manning joke absolutely free.
WOMAN: Do you think I’m a fool?
SALESMAN: No no madam, a fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work. That’s from our one liner collection, for you only £1.99 each.
WOMAN: Look, if you don’t move on I’m calling the police.
SALESMAN: Police jokes? You want police jokes? Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
WOMAN: (Calls upstairs) Steve! There’s a strange man at the door and he won’t leave.
SALESMAN: Ah, you have a husband. How about something special for the spouse. No man can resist a good blonde joke. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence
WOMAN: Did you know my natural colour isn’t brown?
SALESMAN: Is it blonde?
WOMAN: Yes.
SALESMAN: Ah…
WOMAN: Do you even have anything in that suit case?
SALESMAN: (looks dejected)…no…its just for show…I could sell you some fine Italian Leather Shoes. My pitch really does have soul!
WOMAN: I’m shutting the door now.
SALESMAN: How about some fine lingerie?
DOOR SLAMS AS MAN FINISHES JOKE.
SALESMAN: Don’t get your knickers in a twist. (speaks through letterbox) I’ll put the bill for that one in the post.
WOMAN: (Voice): I’m calling the police.
SALESMAN RUNS OFF.
END.
SCENE 2
INT. HOUSE. CAMERA IS LOOKING AT A PHONE. PHONE RINGS. WOMAN ANSWERS.
WOMAN: Hello?
MAN: (voice) Hello.
WOMAN: Who’s speaking please?
MAN: You Are
WOMAN: Excuse me. Who is this?
MAN: This is…Jim…Buggly, and I’m phoning to offer you an upgrade.
WOMAN: An upgrade?
MAN: Yes, I can guarantee to increase your speed of delivery and effect by 100%.
WOMAN: Sorry, you can upgrade and increase my what exactly?
MAN: Jokes.
WOMAN: I don’t understand…
MAN: Well your basic joke is just too long, for instance: 'Two Aerials meet on a roof, dated for a while, fell in love and eventually got married. Come the wedding day everybody commented that the ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.' An old Cooper classic there.
WOMAN CHECKS HER WATCH, LOOKS IRRITATED.
MAN: But my jokes are much shorter, with quicker delivery and maximum effect, such as ‘I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.’ Hey? Hey?
WOMAN: Hang on, are you the man who was round here earlier.
MAN: No…
WOMAN: (Moves towards window) Yes you are, I can see you through the window.
MAN: (seen through the window) No you can’t…(looks towards window, shuffles out of view) Can you see me now?
WOMAN: No, but…
MAN: Good, Now did you hear the one about… (phone is hung up, dialling tone heard)…hello? (to self, running fingers through his hair) Well, she was obviously hung up on me. (dejectedly) Budum chhhh.
A PERSON WALKS PAST WHERE SALESMAN IS HIDING. HE JUMPS UP.
MAN: Oh, I don’t suppose you be interested in buying some jokes…
END.
