Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 30

Quote: Tam-S @ December 16 2009, 10:14 AM GMT

Nice stuff Gerry - faves were Bishop and Boruc.

End of an era with Watson's Wind-down. Hope BCG'ers will keep us updated with opporchancities south of the border.

The final brammers:

The Italian government has released a statement designed to prevent future attacks on politicians – the statement read "Berlusconi get yae".

Italian Police have revealed that the man who punched Sylvio Berlusconi on the nose had links with the Cosa Nostril.

Marriage guidance experts have warned against the dangers of extra-marital affairs, describing them as 'Pulling the tiger's tail'.

In a bid to prevent further violent attacks, pop star Leona Lewis has changed her first name to Lennox.

Following the attack on Sylvio Berlusconi, bookies have made AC Milan favourites for the Scudetto.

Sylvio Berlusconi is keeping followers updated on his recovery using the social networking site FaceHook.

Psychologists have uncovered a new condition, described as a fear of outdoor sex, called viagraphobia.

Dick Campbell has apologised for singing loyalist songs and will abandon the tour operator Club 18-30 for its rival, Club 16-90.

The race is hotting up for the Christmas No.1 between Joe McElderry with "Don't Stop" and the bookie's favourite "Have Yourself a Derry Little Christmas" by Dick Campbell.

Dick Campbell is to appear on the next X-Factor singing Joe McElderry's Walls.

View original

I really liked the Lennox Lewis and viagra gag. Good stuff.

British Airways have announced that there will be twelve days of striking over the Christmas period.
BA's chief executive Willie Walsh told us that customers should...

(and then sung like The Twelve Days Of Christmas)

...expect a lot of waiting
No compensation
No accomodation
More poor excuses
No sign of refunds
Sandwich past it's sell date
Pillows for your laying
More stri-king!
No later flight
No word yet
A floor for a bed
And a disappointed family.

An Edinburgh man who had his ear bitten off during a nightclub brawl is to receive £2000 compensation.
The man is said to be grinning from ear to stump.

Alex Salmond has promised that even a small country like Scotland can do something to combat climate change.
He added that seizing cars of Scottish drink drivers over Christmas will cut carbon emmissions by at least 50%.

Manufacturers of coasters have been confused by the dramatic fall in sales recently.
But now they realise it's because Susan Boyle's CD is doing so well.

That's all folks!

I went with these in the end:

In good news, the number of unemployed people in Scotland fell by 2,000. In bad news, 2,000 people were victims of murder in Glasgow.

In Dollar, two flashers... caught a man exposing himself as they compiled shots for their photography course.

NASA are testing Macaulayite, a mineral only found in one corner of Scotland, to see if it can provide clues about life on Mars. Frequent occurances of flying saucers and little green inhabitants... will need to be circumnavigated to get to the site.

===============
1:
Woah -- Flyglobespan have gone bust! Thousands of people can't get back to Scotland.

2:
So, it's not all bad news...

=================
1:
I see that the avalanche warning system has started its latest season.

2:
I can't help thinking that a man who yells really loud on a mountain does more harm than good...

==================
1:
Are your kids doing this lying course at school?

2:
Oh aye. It's the one subject I can help with their homework.

===================
1:
Did you hear Jimmy Nesbit is starring in that new submarine drama filmed in Dumbarton?

2:
No.

1:
They'll be searching for unknown life forms.

2:
Och, they could have done that in the town.

==================
1:
As an MSP, I'm not allowed to employ my wife and children anymore!

2:
That's a shame. Doesnae look good for your family business…

END

Where did Griffs ones go?

As it's the last week, here are the ones I sent.
They're not big & they're not clever

The government of Dubai have received a 10 billion dollar cash injection from neighbours Abu Dhabi to help ease their current financial difficulties.
The Loan, known as the Abu Dhabi Dubai debit. Will also be released as a Jazz Single.

A Chilean Weightlifter has recently given birth during a weight training session.
Apparently she had no idea she was even pregnant until she suddenly started struggling with her snatch.

A Coldplay fanatic recently spent 48 chilly hours camped outside a record shop to get tickets to see her heroes. No'one is quite sure how she survived the cold, but she woke up soaking wet & she was all yellow

Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz were spotted at the recent Rangers Sevilla Football match.
The Hollywood stars were given a private box, for Tom to stand on.

A woman who was given an anti-social behaviour order banning her from making loud noises during sex has admitted breaching the order.
Police officers sent to apprehend her are hoping that she'll agree to come quietly.

A reveller who bit part of a man's ear off has been ordered to pay his victim £2,000 in compensation. Although he believes that if he can have a quiet word with the victim then he'll probably get a pardon?

Ram raiders were arrested after using personalised number plates during a robbery.
Using CCTV footage, the police simply ran a check on the registration number T W 4 T 5

Customers in the Co-op were shocked to see a Woman walk in to the store completely naked apart from a paid of socks. Somebody eventually reported her & she was then thrown out by the Bouncers & picked up by the Fuzz.

Woman:
What about that woman who fell in the middle of the road with a pram full of booze and wee toddler in tow.
Man:
Aye that was disgraceful, anything could have happened. Social workers should get straight over there & take all that booze into care.

Woman: What's this new calendar you've got? It's full of scantily clad lassies
Man: Aye it's good Isn't it. These are the Scottish Rockettes, they're a group of Cheerleaders.
Woman: I know I can see their PomPoms
Men: Nah that's just the way they're standing.

1st Man: You should do all your shopping online this Christmas, it's so much easier.
2nd Man: Oh No I tried that already the Texaco garage doesn't even have a website.

1st Man: I hear they're going to be offering School children the chance to have sleepovers at the Natural History Museum.
2nd Man: That sounds scary, sleeping in the dark next to a load of million year old bones.
1st: Well…. If It's good enough for Catherine Zeta Jones…..

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ December 17 2009, 2:24 PM GMT

A Chilean Weightlifter has recently given birth during a weight training session. Apparently she had no idea she was even pregnant until she suddenly started struggling with her snatch.

View original

Quality.

I also really liked 'the noisy f**ker' and 'the pardon'. Cracking stuff.

My final attempts...

1) TESCO has withdrawn a Christmas card that pokes fun at ginger people the caption read: "Santa loves all kids. Even GINGER ones." But will now be changed to "Santa hates people who can't take a joke"

2)
Women: You're not drinking again are you?
Man: (Drunk) Didn't you read drinking is actually good for your health…
Women: Well, yes we know wine prevents cancer and Guinness is full of iron but you've been drinking Corona all day, what's that good for?
Man: Errrr…Coronary heart disease.

3)
Man 1: Did you hear about that Chinese student, his mates stuck a TV remote up his behind as a prank, every time he sits down he changes the channel.
Man 2: That's not fair, he must be so embarrassed…
Man 1: No, no, it's brought him fame. He's turning the Christmas lights on in Glasgow

4)
Man 1: Did you hear about the five pupils sent home from primary school because they were drunk?

Man 2: Aye, in my day we only got milk.

5) Tony Blair's confessed this week that he would have taken Britain to war even if he had known Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, just as he would have taken them golfing if Bush had asked.

6) Locals in Edinburgh have been protesting against the swine flu vaccine: "Swine Flu, Swine Flu it's all barmy, nothing wrong with my bacon sarnie"

7) A SOLDIER dubbed "Combat Barbie" was left nursing her pride after missing out on the Miss World Crown to 'Action Man Barbie' from Thailand.

8) Prime Minister Gordon Brown revealed this week who his long, late night calls from his Scottish home were to. Being so efficient here at STV we managed to get a recording:

Recording:

Gordon Brown: Could I have a number two with extra cheese, large fries and onion rings please...

9) COLDPLAY fanatic Karen Chalmers spent 48 chilly hours camped outside a record shop to get tickets to see her heroes she will now be the centre piece on stage.

10) Figures reveal one in five primary schools pupils in Scotland are overweight, Scottish Government spokesman said we need to increase the levels of physical activity. Bullying is a must if we want to get these porky's running.

11) One in ten adults in Scotland is taking medication every day to combat depression, the other nine are down the pub.

12) A GANG of robbers has been jailed after one member used his car, revealing his name on the personalised registration plates. His parents where very disappointed but will be getting him new plates for Christmas – spelling out T-1-T.

13) Mum Joleen Baughman's life has been made hell by a car crash injury that has left her constantly craving sex, husband Brian stated:... "Wooooohayyyyyyyy!"

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ December 17 2009, 2:24 PM GMT

Customers in the Co-op were shocked to see a Woman walk in to the store completely naked apart from a paid of socks. Somebody eventually reported her & she was then thrown out by the Bouncers & picked up by the Fuzz.

View original

That Two Ronnies script book is being put to good use, then?

I really like the Texaco website gag.

Quote: R.J. @ December 17 2009, 3:54 PM GMT

That Two Ronnies script book is being put to good use, then?

View original

Haha
I think you're right.
I definitely tried to get my mind into 'Old Chestnut' Mode when I was doing these.

One in ten adults in Scotland is taking medication every day to combat depression, the other nine are down the pub.

Ha ha! Love this one

Thanks

Quote: R.J. @ December 17 2009, 3:54 PM GMT

That Two Ronnies script book is being put to good use, then?

View original

Don't knock it. I'm using it as well.

Some belters this week (Steve Sunshine's "Pardon" gag one of the best I've ever read !!)
Nae e-mail from Phil so looks like I'm not on but here goes:

Man 1:
Did you hear about the woman who ran into the local Supermarket with nae clothes on?

Man 2:
Aye I did – I wish I'd seen that.

Man 1:
Well I did – I was in the dairy aisle at the time – getting some parmesan cheese.

Man 2:
Was it shaved?

Man 1:
I couldnae tell, I only saw the back of her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After announcing some "big" names are interested in the Scotland Manager's job, the SFA have been left red-faced after one of the "big" names was leaked to the press – Eddie Large.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man 1:
What's the difference between Al Megrahi and the guy that threw a statue at Berlusconi?
Man 2:
I dinnae ken.
Man 1
There's a chance Al Megrahi will still be alive in 3 months .

Hello All

My farewell few were:

STV has announced it will not have a live show at Hogmanay.
This has led to fears of job losses at The Samaritans

Thousands of Scots have been saved from liver cirrhosis and skin cancer thanks to the demise of FlyGlobespan

Leaders at the Copenhagen Summit on Climate Change have issued a written assurance legalising carbon footprints from domestic chimneys.
It's to be known as the Santa clause.

The BBC is not to re-commission Watson's Wind Up despite its having more in-your-face laughter lines than Twiggy.

As ever a great read on a Friday morning. I will miss the craic. Cheers guys. Work prevented me doing something I enjoy this week, so I have some humble offerings. Happy Christmas to you all.

Man: You see that man who's put 45 000 Christmas lights outside his house.

Woman: Aw, that's nice, I bet people's faces light up when they go walk past.

Man: Aye, and if you pay a fiver you can stand on the driveway for 10 minutes and get a tan. Tommy Sheridan's been there twice.

Geordie X Factor winner Joe McElderry is heading to Hollywood and is being touted as the next Zac Effron. His first musical will also star Miley Cyrus and be called Hannah Mon-toon-ah.

A Mexican woman has been left constantly turned on following a car crash. Tiger Woods has given her his phone number.

Tesco has been blasted for selling a Christmas card which pokes fun at red-heads. Some customers went ginger nuts.

Man: I see that Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face by a model of a cathedral this week.

Man 2: Is that what they mean by divine inspiration?