Liked these two a lot:
Quote: swerytd @ December 10 2009, 1:47 PM GMTMSPs have voted to push for greater powers before the next general election. Alex Salmond asked for super-strength and x-ray vision, whilst finance minister John Swinney requested invisibility.
1:The Literary Commission have found that almost 9 in 5 Scots have trouble reading and writing.
2o, when do the Numeracy Commision release their results?
Bit gutted. I was just getting used to continual rejection. Have to go back to chatting up women.
Watson's was always one of the top iPlayer programmes on BBC Scotland when I listened there. Does the BBC now have a policy of scrapping its most popular programmes? Still, at least My Family is knackered.
It's sad, but not a huge, huge surprise. I just hope they replace it with another non-commissioned show.
Quote: Bert Bastard @ December 10 2009, 12:25 PM GMTPPS
somebody beat you to the Osbourne/Burka/Ashamed gag.
Oops. That was me.
This week's fails:
Gordon Brown has promised to come down hard on those who steal from the state by making dishonest and overinflated claims. He also announced plans to clamp down on benefit fraud.
Gordon Brown today declared war on BBC fat cats. After being put on a restricted calorie diet Bagpuss is currently consulting his legal team.
Alex Salmond has denied misleading parliament over class sizes. He said it wasn't his fault the figures were wrong as maths was so overcrowded he had to stand in the hallway and couldn't hear the teacher from there.
Evdience of killer Asian ladybirds has been found in Glasgow. They should blend right in.
A man apologised for attacking his ex-girlfirend with a potato peeler explaining that an argument they were having went on so long he got hungry and she started looking like a giant chip.
After the theft of a tonne of dog food from a Tayside pet food store, police are doggedly pursuing a number of leads and are keen to to speak to a white, shaggy haired male, approximately 90ft tall.
Lawyers rubbished rumours that a Scottish man left £220,000 to 20 towns around the world that shared his surname. Eric Gordon Douglas in fact left the money to town called Alice.
Drunk drivers could have their cars crushed or sold by the courts in a major festive blitz. Well, that is festive.
The long awaited Aberdeen bypass will finally go ahead. If only they could bypass Cumbernauld too.
1:How do you defend your statement that desk-bound immigration officials are "putting their lives on the line" for their country?
2: Let me tell you, the modern workplace is a killing ground. You can get all sorts of diseases from a dirty keyboard or unsanitised phone. Then there's the risk of scalding from a malfunctioning coffee machine and I can't begin to tell you how many colleagues we've tragically lost because they got their tie caught in the fax machine.
Was delighted to make the show week. I listened live, thankfully, since the iPlayer version has cut off the show mid gag - therefore you can't hear the credits, or, indeed, the final gag!
My gag was the second of the show (the postman dumping letters). I think they may have used my one about prisoners going home for Christmas, too, but with a tweak of my original ending to say "family" rather than "Cumbernauld".
Makes all the getting in from work and then writing until late worth it!
I heard the name Tam mentioned on the credits, too. Presume that the BCG's Tam?
It is a shame this is the last series ever - it's a really funny show.
Nice one, Kevin. A good show for the BCG massive this week.
And, yep, whoever does the iPlayer transfer needs to pay a bit more attention. Tisk tisk.
I got his newsline on:
A new report shows that more than 6000 schoolchildren play truant every day in Scotland.
Alex Salmond is said to be delighted with these figures as it means he has succeeded in reducing class sizes.
Quote: Mikey Jackson @ December 13 2009, 3:17 PM GMTI got his newsline on:
A new report shows that more than 6000 schoolchildren play truant every day in Scotland.
Alex Salmond is said to be delighted with these figures as it means he has succeeded in reducing class sizes.
That was challenging Tam's 'Ryder Cup' for the standout gag Mikey. Nice one.
Quote: R.J. @ December 11 2009, 8:10 PM GMTOops. That was me.
You swine. You could say great minds think alike although I'm not so sure in my case. Did it get on?
Quote: Bert Bastard @ December 14 2009, 5:26 PM GMTYou swine. You could say great minds think alike although I'm not so sure in my case. Did it get on?
It did. It shows you're on the right tracks. Keep at it (well, for one last week on this show, anyway).
Congrats, RJ. Been good to get positive feedback about my stuff (as I did when sending stuff to Newsjack). Bit frustrating not to get anything on though. Still, I guess keep trying and hope there's some new shows around we can send things to.
I'm off to see The Pogues tomorrow, so I've gone in early:
Gags:
1: Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger has pulled out of a meeting with Alex Salmond?
2: Aye, they must have fell out when they made 'Twins'.
1: According to a recent study, the average man lasts 20 minutes when making love.
2: Does that include the taxi and the queue for the cashpoint?
1: Now that Tiger Woods has retired from golf, do you think he can still be considered a role model?
2: Well plenty of women look up to him.
1: Did you know you can now buy your own breathalyser kit?
2: A waste of money. I use the 'how big is the girl I'm considering sleeping with' method. I order a taxi as soon as it hits 'Susan Boyle'.
A Scottish Anglican priest could become Britain's first female bishop. She just has to perfect walking diagonally.
1: I see Kris Boyd has put on a bit of timber.
2: I'd advise him to throw up after every meal.
1: I've got a few pictures of Susan Boyle that could help him out.
1: Did you hear that Marc Antoine-Fortune is planning to beat up a supporter that keeps giving him stick?
2: The lad'll be alright, he just needs to change his name to Annette.
1: Did you know that you can see the Great Wall of China from the moon?
2: That's a fallacy - the only thing visible from that distance is Gordon Ramsay's sense of self importance.
The police have caught seven drink drivers in the first week of their festive safety campaign. Snow White is apoplectic.
Did you hear they're making a film about the MPs expenses scandal? It's called 'The Lying, The Snitch and the Fraud Probe'.
Christmassy gags
Tiger Woods has turned over a new leaf this Christmas. The only thing he's got on his mind is Holly, Ivy and Carol.
1: Are you taking the kids to see Santa?
2: No, I'm taking them to see Susan Boyle. It's still a fat man with a beard.
1: Are you going to have to work over Christmas?
2: Aye, I'm in on Boxing Day. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu.
1: That seems a fair deal
2: Aye, I'm happy enough, but it's not gone down well with Louise.
At this time of year, I try to contemplate the real meaning of Christmas. He was a holy man; but he suffered on the cross. Fair play to Artur Boruc.
1: What have you bought your wife for Christmas?
2: She's asked me to treat her like a footballer's wife, so I sat on a mobile phone then beat her up.
1: What has your wife bought you for Christmas?
2: She gave me £20 to spend on a jumper. It unseated the rider at the last fence.
I made a right fool of myself at the Christmas party. I made a play for the cleaner under the mistletoe. He was livid.
Gordon Strachan is still without a home win at Middlesbrough. The way he's going, the only way he'll still be employed at Christmas is if he finds six pals.
I canna believe my luck. The wife has invited her mother and her sister over for Christmas dinner. Ho Ho Ho.
1: Did you know that Jesus once fed 5,000 people with just a couple of fish and five loaves of bread.
2: That's not a lot of food; Kris Boyd produces more than that when he flosses his teeth.
Nice stuff Gerry - faves were Bishop and Boruc.
End of an era with Watson's Wind-down. Hope BCG'ers will keep us updated with opporchancities south of the border.
The final brammers:
The Italian government has released a statement designed to prevent future attacks on politicians – the statement read "Berlusconi get yae".
Italian Police have revealed that the man who punched Sylvio Berlusconi on the nose had links with the Cosa Nostril.
Marriage guidance experts have warned against the dangers of extra-marital affairs, describing them as 'Pulling the tiger's tail'.
In a bid to prevent further violent attacks, pop star Leona Lewis has changed her first name to Lennox.
Following the attack on Sylvio Berlusconi, bookies have made AC Milan favourites for the Scudetto.
Sylvio Berlusconi is keeping followers updated on his recovery using the social networking site FaceHook.
Psychologists have uncovered a new condition, described as a fear of outdoor sex, called viagraphobia.
Dick Campbell has apologised for singing loyalist songs and will abandon the tour operator Club 18-30 for its rival, Club 16-90.
The race is hotting up for the Christmas No.1 between Joe McElderry with "Don't Stop" and the bookie's favourite "Have Yourself a Derry Little Christmas" by Dick Campbell.
Dick Campbell is to appear on the next X-Factor singing Joe McElderry's Walls.
Just sent a few off.
Couldn't let the last week go by without having a try.