A quick sprinkling of stand-up

Jush bashed this out. Does it work...?

My girlfriend likes to talk to me while we're making love. It's pretty much the only time she can get my full Attention, you see, so she really seizes the opportunity. She'll say to me...

"I need you inside, I need you inside... all day today cause the man's coming round to fix the boiler and I've gotta go to our Karen's to babysit."

"More, more more...is an accurate description of the level of affection you should be offering me during the menstruation period relative to what you presently do."

Anyway last night I thought I'd return the favour and tell her some equally crucial information during the act:

"I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come...inside you, but I'll be thinking about your sister."

And then:

"Your , your...mum called today. Apparently your dad passed away in his sleep last night."

(And I've just tagged this bit on the end...)

She was a bit upset then, so to cheer her up I said 'hey, fancy a trip to Samoah?'
She said: 'Sounds like a goer'.
I said "Yeah, I suppose it does, but do you wanna go there?"

I can see what you're trying to do. But it either needs to be snappier or re-written. Otherwise, it's not a bad start.

The end joke is a bit

Loved all of it, except the Samoa gag, but the rest is ace.

Quote: Stu R @ December 10 2009, 11:39 PM GMT

She was a bit upset then, so to cheer her up I said 'hey, fancy a trip to Samoah?'
She said: 'Sounds like a goer'.
I said "Yeah, I suppose it does, but do you wanna go there?"

View original

A picture of a shredder, right? Cause you mean the joke should be shredded because it's not very good? Brilliant. You're right, think I'll scrap the gag and just regale them with the time Don Rushmore Googled 'shredder image' and posted it on the BCG forum.

Cheers Leevil and Angie. There's something here, it just needs a bit of tightening I reckon.

Whilst I thing Don's picture of a shredder was a little on the harsh side, if you are going to do a lot of stand up then you are going to have to learn to be able to take some pretty direct audience feedback, if you can't stand people not liking your material and critisising it in some quite brutal fashion then being a comedian might not be for you!

Having said that I think the material is not too bad, although quite generic, but even for someone like me who loves a pun and a cheesy one-liner, that last line is a stinker.

At the end of the day the only true way to learn what works is to try it out on an audience, get yourself booked in for an open spot somewhere and then see what flies, good luck with it, once you get hooked then say goodbye to the rest of your life!

Quote: Stu R @ December 11 2009, 11:16 AM GMT

A picture of a shredder, right? Cause you mean the joke should be shredded because it's not very good? Brilliant. You're right, think I'll scrap the gag and just regale them with the time Don Rushmore Googled 'shredder image' and posted it on the BCG forum.

View original

There's a good idea in there but at the minute it just feels like rough notes which need to be shaped and refined. So yeah, something there but needs some tightening up.

I kinda feel like its a little laboured. Some of it seems alittle familar aswell. But then it is all in the delivery.

Not that I'm an expert in these things, I'm just starting out too.....

Good start though, as mentioned above

Quote: Stu R @ December 11 2009, 11:16 AM GMT

A picture of a shredder, right?

View original

I was Expecting..."I need a body, Shredder!" Shredder.

Yeah it doesn't really fit with my usual routine really, I just thought I'd see what people think of the idea.

And yes Tony, a comedian does need to deal with harsh, more direct criticism. In general though, he does that by mocking his mockee. In this case it was the ever-sharp Don Rushmore - tis just a shame that here, on a comedy critique forum, he failed to be either critically helpful, or indeed remotely comedic with his retort (on both occasions).

I'd echo what people have said about losing that last bit, but I think with a bit of tweaking here and there on the first half - losing all the unnecessary "wordiness" - you could have a nice humourous tidbit.

An example, the "and I've got to babysit for our Karen" part can go. The punchline there, of course, is the man coming round to fix the boiler. Any more and you'll find yourself speaking during what you hope to be a laugh from the audience.

What's more,

"More, more more...is an accurate description of the level of affection you should be offering me during the menstruation period relative to what you presently do."

Can easily be edited down to something like,

"I need more...consideration from you when I'm on my period."

Without losing the joke behind it.

Just a few suggestions, hope they help.