Auld Bhoy
Wednesday 16th December 2009 5:06am
Birmingham
2,388 posts
I'm off to see The Pogues tomorrow, so I've gone in early:
Gags:
1: Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger has pulled out of a meeting with Alex Salmond?
2: Aye, they must have fell out when they made 'Twins'.
1: According to a recent study, the average man lasts 20 minutes when making love.
2: Does that include the taxi and the queue for the cashpoint?
1: Now that Tiger Woods has retired from golf, do you think he can still be considered a role model?
2: Well plenty of women look up to him.
1: Did you know you can now buy your own breathalyser kit?
2: A waste of money. I use the 'how big is the girl I'm considering sleeping with' method. I order a taxi as soon as it hits 'Susan Boyle'.
A Scottish Anglican priest could become Britain's first female bishop. She just has to perfect walking diagonally.
1: I see Kris Boyd has put on a bit of timber.
2: I'd advise him to throw up after every meal.
1: I've got a few pictures of Susan Boyle that could help him out.
1: Did you hear that Marc Antoine-Fortune is planning to beat up a supporter that keeps giving him stick?
2: The lad'll be alright, he just needs to change his name to Annette.
1: Did you know that you can see the Great Wall of China from the moon?
2: That's a fallacy - the only thing visible from that distance is Gordon Ramsay's sense of self importance.
The police have caught seven drink drivers in the first week of their festive safety campaign. Snow White is apoplectic.
Did you hear they're making a film about the MPs expenses scandal? It's called 'The Lying, The Snitch and the Fraud Probe'.
Christmassy gags
Tiger Woods has turned over a new leaf this Christmas. The only thing he's got on his mind is Holly, Ivy and Carol.
1: Are you taking the kids to see Santa?
2: No, I'm taking them to see Susan Boyle. It's still a fat man with a beard.
1: Are you going to have to work over Christmas?
2: Aye, I'm in on Boxing Day. The gaffer has offered me double time and a day in lieu.
1: That seems a fair deal
2: Aye, I'm happy enough, but it's not gone down well with Louise.
At this time of year, I try to contemplate the real meaning of Christmas. He was a holy man; but he suffered on the cross. Fair play to Artur Boruc.
1: What have you bought your wife for Christmas?
2: She's asked me to treat her like a footballer's wife, so I sat on a mobile phone then beat her up.
1: What has your wife bought you for Christmas?
2: She gave me £20 to spend on a jumper. It unseated the rider at the last fence.
I made a right fool of myself at the Christmas party. I made a play for the cleaner under the mistletoe. He was livid.
Gordon Strachan is still without a home win at Middlesbrough. The way he's going, the only way he'll still be employed at Christmas is if he finds six pals.
I canna believe my luck. The wife has invited her mother and her sister over for Christmas dinner. Ho Ho Ho.
1: Did you know that Jesus once fed 5,000 people with just a couple of fish and five loaves of bread.
2: That's not a lot of food; Kris Boyd produces more than that when he flosses his teeth.