Grass - radio sketch

SFX
DOOR OPENING

DOCTOR:
Come in. Sit down. It's Mr and Mrs X, isn't it?

MRS S:
Er, well. I'm married to Mr X – but I'm actually Mrs Simpkins, Doctor.

DOCTOR:
Mhmm. And what's the problem, Mrs Simpkins?

MRS S:
Well, it's my husband. He's... well, show him, Nigel. Take off your scarf, hoodie and sunglasses.

SFX:
GRUNTING AND GROANING WITH SOUND OF MATERIAL BEING REMOVED

MRS S (half gasp, half sob):
You see? It's hideous! It's like his face has been cut up into little pieces. He looks like a monster.

DOCTOR:
Hm, yes. That's quite normal. There's nothing to worry about.

MRS S:
Normal? But... but what's happened to him?

DOCTOR:
Don't worry Mrs Simpkins. He's just been pixelated.

MRS S:
Pixa-what?

DOCTOR:
Pixelated. Tell me, is your husband a grass?

MRS S:
Sorry?

DOCTOR:
A grass? A snitch? A rat-fink? Stool pigeon, you know?

MRS S:
I don't understand?

DOCTOR (Losing patience):
Look, have the police been around to see him?

MRS S (Proudly):
Oh, well. Yes, he's actually been helping them with their enquiries, haven't you Nigel?

DOCTOR:
There you are. Mystery solved, Mrs Simpkins. Now if you-

MRS S:
But what can be done? I'm really worried.

DOCTOR:
There's really nothing to worry about. He's obviously not that important or he would have gone on the Witness Protection Programme, been given a new identity and you'd both be living the life of Riley at the tax payers' expense. No, Mr X is just a bit of a toe-rag who will soon be forgotten and the pixelation will quickly disappear along with any whiff of notoriety he may have enjoyed.

MR X (distorted and monotone voice)
Oi! I'm not a toe-rag..

MRS S:
Oh, that's another problem, Doctor. He doesn't sound like himself.

DOCTOR:
That's just an actor's voice to protect his anonymity. And quite frankly, not a very decent one with that scurrilous lack of inflection. Now really, Mrs Simpkins, I'm expecting my next patient, Mr Brown who's in desperate need of a repeat prescription for anti-depressants.

ENDS

Hi Kasm. I like this. The last line about Gordon Brown seems out of place. ( Rich coming from me I know ). Maybe the doctor's next patient could also be suffering from a news based infliction? Maybe a correspondent who can't get rid of his name and location caption? Just thinking though.

P.S. can't believe you left me to sink on my own amongst all the good stuff in the skit comp

A great idea, and what's basically a visual gag transferred brilliantly tp the medium of radio.

Agree with Scratchyr - the end is weak and a bit too keen to be topical when it doesn't need to be. Keep the focus on the true gag. I'd end it with the actor's voice and the wife saying

MRS S:
Oh, that's another problem, Doctor. He doesn't sound like himself.

I enjoyed this one Kasm,
It's a good idea, and it's written nicely.
I just wonder if there may be a better pay off somewhere.

Good stuff anyway.

Sussed. Yes, I admit that I sent it into the black hole that is RFTP so I thought I'd bolt on a topical ending.

I think you're all correct and I'll delete that bit.

Scratchyr - that's a good idea but I think it would be better as a visual gag in which case should I be doing the whole thing as a TV sketch?

Oh, and sorry, Scrachyr - I was in Spain last week and when I saw the quality of the stuff on Skit Comp I was very glad I had an excuse for not doing one.

Very nice idea and SlagA's suggestion is a good one if you can't think of something else to escalate the sketch.

Quote: Kasm @ December 10 2009, 4:15 PM GMT

Scratchyr - that's a good idea but I think it would be better as a visual gag in which case should I be doing the whole thing as a TV sketch?

View original

Could it work with just dialogue? along the same lines as the Gordon Brown line just with different references.

DOCTOR:
If you'll excuse me, I have to see a foreign correspondent. He can't stop coming via satellite link, His wife's very annoyed.

But funnier.

Although an earlier out a la SlagA is probably better.

Good un.

I do like your suggestion SlagA:

MRS S:
Oh, that's another problem, Doctor. He sounds like some naff, monotone actor and not himself.

But if it was on TV the foreign correspondent could just come in with a subtitle up in front of him and when asked what his problem was he could indicate the floating subtitle in front of him and say:

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT:
I just can't seem to get rid of this annoying sign-off, Doc!

DOCTOR
And you are?

Can this sketch really work on radio?

Quote: Kasm @ December 10 2009, 3:21 PM GMT

Nigel. Take off your scarf, hoodie and sunglasses.

View original

Isn't that just telling the audience "Oh, by the way, if this were on TV, you'd see Nigel is wearing a scarf. a hoody and a pair of sunglasses"?

Quote: Kasm @ December 10 2009, 3:21 PM GMT

SFX: . . . SOUND OF MATERIAL BEING REMOVED

View original

Do the BBC have a sound effect for a scarf being removed?

Ditto a hoody and a pair of sunglasses?

Quote: nitty gritty @ December 10 2009, 4:39 PM GMT

Can this sketch really work on radio?

View original

Modified for the points you raise, yes.

Of course the BBC has Fx for the slow sliding sound of Chiffon. They even have a sound for the not too distant lick of the chalice and the burning of the Herb...