Am i a Pikey

Just after some criticism or praise on my style of writing please. Thankyou....

Am I a Pikey.??????????????
I have just completed an email survey a friend sent me, titled !!!! ARE YOU A PIKEY!!!!!

I am now not a happy bunny. According to the wank stain that wrote this I am 63% Pikey.

What the f**k is a pikey!!!!


So Mr wank stain.... I am just over half, pike. Bordering tempestuously on 3/4 pike.
You have drawn this conclusion from the following...

I have laminated flooring... that makes me a pikey. A non pikey has wood.

I have gone out in my slippers yes. Pls all non pikes out there forgive me. I took the rubbish out in my slippers. i confess. i done it. Guilty your honour. I repent.

I have worn the same knickers for 2 days, Kill me for it please. its horrific i know. i would have been better off with a more acceptable crime, like burglary or something. This is such a shamefull crime. I am so sorry. I have worn some panties all day long then when i got up i was still wearing them. (pre shower of course) that means 2 days. did you know that!!!! So i am a pike.


Yes i have had a few encounters with a snagged stocking. Gosh i am enraged with myself. How dare i be so careless with those, oh so difficult to snag 10 deniers. In my defence tho pls can i just mention that it was my friends cat that thought my legs resembled its scratch pad....... I am a pike.

I have been caught out in the rain and i have also cried sometimes with laughter, thus causing ones mascara to run, from ones eyelashes. I have been a panda gal yes. It has hapened. i am a pike.


Yes i have gone for a wewe and not washed my hands... In my defence pls can i just add, that i was on the way back from a nite on the town. i was loaded up with Budweiser, and i was walking along a canal, with a lock and running water. I was disturbingly desperate, especialy with that water swooshing, and i admit, hands up and everything, i did do a peepee in some bushes. Unfortunately Mr Wank stain, those terribly selfish egits at dacorum borough council did fail to supply sinks in the bushes, and i was unable to wash my hands, till i got home. I also confess that by time i did stumble home i may have forgotten, in my drunken stupor, to wash said hands..... I am a pike.....

Yes i have eaten a curry from the nite b4 for my breakfast. It was not my fault tho. i swear. I was still drunk when i awoke, and i went to put some porridge in the microwave and naughty curry said"eat me instead, you will only have to throw me away otherwise. What a waste that would be" I am a pike...


Yes i have awoken in the early hours of the am with what resembles a homless man next to me. I have sat at the foot of my bed in despair 4 how the fuk that happened. i knew full well that the guy whose hand i was holding as we weaved our way thru the crowds of the club, looked remarkably like Colin Farrell. I can only assume that somehow,along the tempestuous way, Colin tripped at the exact time the homelessman hiked his hand out for change. As my back was turned, and i was not in total accordance with my eyes, i presume i must have grabbed homlessman's hand by total mistake. Yes i may well have noticed by time of arrival at my house my easily done error, yet in my eagerness to fullfill my wanton desires, and in a blaze of alcoholic stupor, decided to f**k it anyhoo.....Iam a pike.


The list does go on, an with accordance to Mr Wank Stains rule, i am almost 3/4 pike.

Well thankyou for making my day Mr Wank Stain Sir. Now do me a favour and F**koff..........

Oh and this one is for real.....
Its on my msn space and so far to date it has not worked.
Hubbie may wander over this way some time when he is desperatly seekiing porn...

A Begging letter to my Wonderful Husband!
Hello My fabulously brilliant, kind, generous and beautiful Hubbie.
I am writing this letter to you, as i am to scared to ask you for the 19th time to your face.

I know we have 3 doggies already. They are only lickle tho and dont take up much space. I mean if you put them all on top of each other they would'nt even make a labrador.

I know that 3 is already 2 too many as far as you are concerned, and the sensible part of me, has to agree with you.

However! i am so Broody for a pug puppy. They are soooo cute. So small. I love em darling. I feel that if i dont get 1, i may die..Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeease, pretty please, with big ripe red juicy cherries on top. Pls can i have a Pug Pup?


I am prepared to draw up a list of things i will do for you (the things you like) if you say yes, and a list of things i wont do anymore (those things you hate) if you let me have a teeny weeny ickle tiny, hardly any space atall, small buba pug pup..........


The things I will do........
1..I will make you your fav dinner every week for life....Bangers n mash. Gob n spittle free.
2..I will be a very very naughty gal at your beck n call for one whole month....
3..I will continue to roll ur cigs, even tho I have given up, and all it does is add to my desperation to SMOKE one
4..I will show more interest when you talk about Watford FC...If i do fall asleep pls dont think i have broke a rule, its prob due to the naughty stuff you have had me up late doing
5..I will mow the garden myself next time as I know you hate it..and lets b honest, u r so completly shit at it.
6..I will be solely responsible for all pug pups pooh.
7..And wewe
8..We will treat you to something you have always wanted..To the value of up to £10.


The things i wont do......
1..I wont squeeze your big spots when you are trying to sleep,nor will i get great pleasure from hurting you while doing so.. This will def b the hardest!!!
2..I wont take the piss out of Watford FC, Nor the kind of fans they have, no matter how unwell they are.......
3..I wont Throw things in a tantrum, nor stamp my feet nor will i clench my little fists until i get my own way..
4..I wont moan that your feet, breath,pitts smell of mouldy dead bloke, ever again ever!!
5..I wont suffer any headache excuses, and i will still permit you to use ur headache as a too ill 4 sex excuse, which you do 5 times a week
6..I wont tell u that u need to lose weight, i will adore every single billions of inches of you.
7..I will go to all your family gatherings except the ones you dont want me to go to, which seem to be 99% of them..
8..I wont gob on your clothes wen you demand i iron them.
9..I wont gob in your dinner wen you piss me off.
10.I wont ogle other men and wonder wot it wld be like to have their little bums thrusting up n down on me. I swear I wont!
11.I will cease to scowl at you on any given oportunity.
12.I will allow you to leave ur bits of toilet paper, (u know, the ones you use as skid catchers) on the bedside cabinet, and i will absoloutley not moan wen your poo is the first thing i see wen i open my eyes in the morning. I solemly declare.....
13.I will allow you to cut your toenails whilst sitting next to me. Should a large particle fly up and almost blind me, i wont try to stab you like i have previously, I will just blink a few times,smile and say "Its ok huney I think i still have some vision"
14. Iwont leave you endless lists of things to do. Your chores will no longer go above 10 a week.
15.I wont have a go at you for ogling my dinner, even tho i have only just started eating it. Infact i will just hand it over to you as soon as it comes out of the oven...
16.I will permit you to stare at other women, even wen in the company of myself. I will permit you to go on about big bums and bouncy boobs till your hearts content.



Look baby at the end of the day you can make whatever rules you like, just let me have this cutie.



Ps. Anyhoo, as soon as i have buba pug pup, the sooner we can go back to normal. Now let me see that giant spot on your back

very funny really enjoyed reading them, I too have taken the bins out in my sklippers...I feel liberated aying that

Too f**king funny, I'm so aching with laughter, crying almost! Absolutely brilliant! I too have been out in my slippers, I have even walked over the road to my friends house in them! Hmmm <wonders if she may be a pike too> It sounds bloody fantastic to be a pike!

Very funny. You should have your own column!

Dan

Very funny, Charley.

Although if you want another pet don't support breeders. Be part of the solution. Find a pet via the many great internet sites that home unwanted animals and give a pet a second chance at life. Remember, they don't stay puppies for long, and once the initial attraction has faded, you have an extra mouth to feed and be responsible for. 10 to 15 years for six months of cuteness? That's normally called marriage.

Anyway, that's my animal rant for the week done. Apologies.

This is not my sort of humour so I won't comment on that side of things.

You asked for feedback on your writing style. It's lively and certainly different to much of the stuff posted on here, but it is all over the place at times and the text speak and spelling mistakes sometimes make it hard to follow.

I agree with Karl (and my name's not Lenny). It's not really my sort of humour either and it was too hard to follow, too much random ideas. Maybe it would be better as a video or with some stuff taken out.

I do like the sound Pug Pup makes when I say it fast though.

I read it as stand-up and thought both parts were very funny as such (what is it with spots ... especially the ones in middle of back that blokes can't see or feel but women love to operate upon with their bed-side toolkit!?!). Good Stuff ... keep it up!

i liked it, although i'm also not a huge fan of this sort of thing, it did make me laugh i hate text slang, it's hard to follow, but this was a very funny peice, when i open my morning paper i want to see this sort of stuff. very well done.

I could see this sort of thing as an amusing newspaper column. The londonpaper has a free-for-all column for submissions: "the columnist" - http://tinyurl.com/y2clbh. Or see www.thelondonpaper.com. There's confusing info on how many words they want 'cos the web says separately 200 and 500 words, and the paper itself says 400.
But give it a good spelling and grammar check first!

Guys thankyou so much for your feedback...
My dream job way back when i was just a wee gal, when showing my nickers to passing cars used to make me howl, i wanted to have a newspaper column.
Thanks again....

You're mental, but mental is good!
You do realise all those promises you made are legally binding??

Hahahahaha!

I am a special in need...

I dont have to keep the promises as i never did get that pug.

Needless to say Mr Mans Watford shirt makes a great substitute for toilet roll.

Hey Charley - treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
So what was it that failed to sway him?
Was it promising not to gob in his food?