Tony, liked the CERN gag.
Gerry, faves were Penicillin and FaFu
Best of luck.
Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 26
A few last minute ones I sent in;
The audience were recently surprised when Barrack Obama gave his presidential address, he stood up in the White House Press Room and said "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C".
Royal Bank of Scotland directors have threatened to resign if they are stopped by the Government from paying bonuses to their staff. A Government spokesman described this as a "Win win" situation.
A scheme in Dumfries, using falcons to tackle urban seagull problems is to be dropped after the number of nesting birds increased, the council have now decided that in future they won't use the nursery rhyme "There was an old woman who swallowed a fly" as their basis for vermin control in future.
The father of a primary school pupil who lost his sight in one eye in a classroom accident is suing the local education authority for £2.5m, he also complained about the council's insensitive choice of words when they described the accident as not forseeable.
Soldiers from the Black Watch have marched through Inverness as a thank you to the city for its support during their deployment to Afghanistan, they were originally scheduled to march through Govan but they no longer had adequate supplies of body armour.
Veteran singer Rod Stewart is to play at Inverness Caledonian Thistle's Tulloch Caledonian Stadium next summer, Caley Thistle manager, Terry Butcher, is said to be optimistic that his side can get a good result.
This week's rejects:
Scotland's controversial double jeopardy law is to be scrapped. From January 1st it will be replaced with the new Blankety Blank and Family Fortunes laws.
Scottish NHS managers are being told to drastically cut the number of patients seen in A&E. Hospitals will turn off the lights and issue patients with camoflage gowns.
A £7m investment will create 10 jobs in Aberdeen. It will only require an additional £135.8 billion to return the country to full employment.
Scotland has won £400m from the National Lottery. The money will be spent on improving transport infrastructure, building schools, a gold plated limo with champagne jacuzzi, some pretty frocks and a trip to Disneyland.
The sound of comedian Justin Lee Collins talking through a hazard cone will greet arrivals at Bristol International Airport. It will be rolled out to other airports if it successfully deters air travel.
After Tweeting a meaningless string of garbage to his mother's million followers, Gordon Brown's young son is tipped to follow in his father's footsteps.
This week's efforts and a sketch to boot:
Tiger Woods has revealed the real reason why his wife lost her temper over his reported transgressions. He said the situation got really out of hand when he criticised the choice of club she was intending to smash him over the head with.
Pete Doherty has said he is very sorry after singing Nazi-era words to Germany's national anthem. He said it was very irresponsible of him and will now encore by invading Poland.
Bono has announced that U2 will headline Glastonbury next year. Although it is the first time U2 have played there, Bono said it will be his second visit to Glastonbury as he's been before as Jesus.
It has been revealed that Abdelbaset al-Megrahi wore a white shellsuit to hide the fact he was wearing body armour when he was released from prison. Thierry Henry said he would be exchanging fashion tips with al-Megrahi for when he next visits Dublin.
Lord Mandelson was heckled this week whilst addressing the House of Lords. Mandelson said the next time he made a speech in the Lords he would ensure it was before Gordon Brown had been at the Sherry.
The book club made famous by presenters Richard and Judy is to return to TV screens. How To Look Good Naked's, Gok Wan, is one of the celebrities lined up to front the series and has already said he doesn't like the jackets most books come in.
A report has found a catalogue of failings at two NHS hospitals in Essex. It said that the conditions in the hospitals were appalling with patients having to lie on sheets covered in blood and excrement. Kirsty Wark says she is going to turn the sheets into a dress which she will wear on Newsnight's Late Review.
Sarah Brown's Son Tweets Sketch
Man (GIBBERISH) fvdfzsrsazxzzxcvbnmadgfhjjkqwrtyuuuiop.
Woman Oh! Are you reading Sarah Brown's twitter page when her son tweeted on there?
Man No. I've just caught me knob in my zip.
Hello All
This week I went with:
MAN IN PUB: Maybe I heard this wrong. Did Alex Salmond get that education woman into the sack?
PAL: Naw..but she kept up the size of his P7s
Under 18s in Scotland have been banned from attending sunbed salons. Experts say that there is still the risk of older women picking up Tommy Sheridan.
Extreme Protestants have stopped making purchases on e-Bay.
They've discovered the accounting system is part of a Paypal plot.
2nd time entering...
1) Two hunters where badly injured after their dog stepped on a shotgun left lying on the ground, Police say it was very careless yet unfortunate...the geese on the other hand had a right gaggle.
2) Rangers security staff are planning to use head-mounted spy cams to prevent trouble in Seville next week. The spy-cams will come in two styles the SuBo puff and Jedward flick.
3) Research by Lemsip has shown men are more likely to be woken up by the sound of a fly than a baby crying. Research also shows that men are better at pretending to be asleep.
4) Carol Vorderman has launched the new Alc-ulator, It calculates your lifetime consumption of alcohol...but if you turn it upside down it spells out BOOBIES
5) "I'm a PC and I want my computer simplified so I spoke to Microsoft and...Bam! 'Black screen of death' I'm the Grim Reaper and Microsoft 7 was my idea!"
6)
Man 1: Did you see the obese man spilling out of his seat on the American airline flight?
Man 2: He wasn't obese; he got on the wrong plane, ended up traveling with the 'Marvelous Midget Circus'
i just LOVE how iPlayer insists on cutting off the end of the credits every single week.
Yup. Is there any way of getting a list of writers at all?
Can't distinguish our gags from the thousands of near identical ones sent in by everyone else on the same topic.
Bit frustrating really.
Tam's Puffy Daddy gag nearly brought the house down - nice one.
Quote: Badge @ December 5 2009, 1:12 PM GMTTam's Puffy Daddy gag nearly brought the house down - nice one.
Great stuff Tam 
Well done for getting on! I liked that one.
Philip kindly emailed me to tell me about a couple of the gags I sent in that he especially liked but thought he'd have a problem getting past the BBC censor. So since they didn't make it, here they are:
* X Factor twins John and Edward appeared in Glasgow on Sunday night for a performance in front hundreds of adoring fans. Isn't that sweet — you know, how "adoring" is obviously the new term for "special needs".
* Susan Boyle's album became the best-selling debut album in UK chart history. She even beat Rihanna. So that's both her and Chris Brown . . .
Quote: Kevin C @ December 5 2009, 5:05 PM GMTPhilip kindly emailed me to tell me about a couple of the gags I sent in that he especially liked but thought he'd have a problem getting past the BBC censor.
I also received an email. Apparently, if I go within 100 yards of him I'm breaching the restraining order.
Cheers Guys.
I think Mikey J hit the net too.
Sometimes a non-topical gag can sneak in at the back post - like the McCartney Mullah Kintyre effort a few weeks back.
Tam
Mikey definitely got a credit.
Are Tam and Mikey pro writers (I'm new to this game but their success rate seems very impressive!!)
Hello Gary.
I suppose the closest you could call me is semi-pro at the moment.
I'm half "self employed writer" and half "self employed internet businessman."
Like many writers on this forum, I write sketches for various places, yet I'm still trying to "work my way up" to eventually getting sitcoms, etc made.
With Watson's Wind-Up, I'm just lucky I've nailed their "style."
There are other radio shows that I've so far failed to get on, yet other writers here have succeeded.
I suppose the only way of getting a list of writer names is to email Phil.
It's all a case of studying each radio show carefully.