Bumping into an ex

INT. A CLOTHES SHOP. A WOMAN (SUSAN) IS WAITING OUTSIDE A ROW OF CHANGING ROOMS. A MAN (HEROMAN) DRESSED IN A SUPERHERO COSTUME EXITS ONE OF THE ROOMS. HE HAS SOME ARTICLES OF CLOTHING DRAPED OVER HIS ARM.

HEROMAN:
Gosh...Susan?...Hi.

SUSAN: LOOKING A LITTLE AWKWARD
Er...Hi Heroman.

HEROMAN.
So...Haven't seen you since the incident with the Red Villain. I did call.

SUSAN:
Yeah...Look...Sorry about not getting back to you, I've been a bit busy. You know how it is.

HEROMAN:
Yes of course. That Red Villain though eh?..it's lucky I came.

SUSAN.
Oh yes. yep. Er...lot of work still?

HEROMAN:
Oh flat out. You know.

SUSAN SMILES AND NODS.

HEROMAN:
Listen, Susan about..

SUSAN:
<cutting in> No don't be silly. It's not your fault.

HEROMAN:
I do miss you.

SUSAN:
The thing is Heroman. Is that there's...well there's something...something I need to tell you...

A VOICE FROM ONE OF THE CHANGING ROOMS CUTS IN

VOICE: (RED VILLAIN)
Susan?

ANOTHER CHANGING ROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND A RED MAN (RED VILLAIN) WALKS TOWARDS THEM. HE IS WEARING A VILLAIN COSTUME ON THE TOP HALF BUT IS WEARING SOME JEANS ON HIS LEGS.

RED VILLAIN:
Susan, what do you think?

HE NOTICES HEROMAN

RED VILLAIN:
Oh.

HEROMAN:
Him? You've got to be joking.

SUSAN:
I was going to tell you but...

HEROMAN:
This is the guy who only two weeks ago tied you to a missile with the intention of shooting you into the sun.

SUSAN:
I've grown to care about him.

HEROMAN:
It's called Stockholm Syndrome.

SUSAN:
How dare you.

RED VILLAIN:
To be honest good guy, we thought you were gay.

HEROMAN:
What?

SUSAN:
Well you and your sidekick.

HEROMAN:
Boy Boy the Wonder Boy? What on earth makes you think we're gay?

RED VILLAIN:
We saw you kissing.

HEROMAN:
That was a special power..the er...mouth of justice.

SUSAN:
It's always a special power.

RED VILLAIN:
Well I know one thing. The finger of courage still makes me wince just thinking about it. Come on Susan, we'd better go.

TURNS TO HEROMAN.

We've got some friends coming over.

RED VILLAIN AND SUSAN WALK AWAY. A YOUNG MAN (BOY BOY) APPROACHES HEROMAN.
HE IS EXCITEDLY WAVING SOME CAPES ABOUT.

BOY BOY:
I know I know, but these are so cute. Look.

HE HOLDS UP THE CAPES TO SHOW HEROMAN. ON EACH CAPE ARE THE WORDS " MY OTHER PERSONA IS MILD MANNERED"

HEROMAN:
Oh piss off.

END.

Long sketches that take a lurch in direction midway through seem to be a speciality of yours.

I prefer the first half, the idea of the rescued damsel not returning the hero's calls is great, and taking up with the villain is a good way out of the sketch; the other stuff is okay but maybe for a follow up sketch?

Quote: Timbo @ November 29 2009, 9:07 PM GMT

Long sketches that take a lurch in direction midway through seem to be a speciality of yours.

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I cannot deny it. It's because I have no idea what I'm doing. So better to out before the sidekick stuff comes in? Think you are no doubt right. Do you think it would be ok just to end on the having friends over line?

Thanks for the pointer. Sorry you have to write the same thing for me every time.

If it were me, I'd end (at the very latest) on the red villian "oh" line as the bail-out for the first sketch. Which is nice and awkward as moments go.

You can even bail-out at:

RED VILLAIN:
Susan, what do you think?

The rest is another follow-up sketch, as Timbo suggests.

Thanks for the advice. So better as this?

INT. A CLOTHES SHOP. A WOMAN (SUSAN) IS WAITING OUTSIDE A ROW OF CHANGING ROOMS. A MAN (HEROMAN) DRESSED IN A SUPERHERO COSTUME EXITS ONE OF THE ROOMS. HE HAS SOME ARTICLES OF CLOTHING DRAPED OVER HIS ARM.

HEROMAN:
Gosh...Susan?...Hi.

SUSAN: LOOKING A LITTLE AWKWARD
Er...Hi Heroman.

HEROMAN.
So...Haven't seen you since the incident with the Red Villain. I did call.

SUSAN:
Yeah...Look...Sorry about not getting back to you, I've been a bit busy. You know how it is.

HEROMAN:
Yes of course. That Red Villain though eh?..it's lucky I came.

SUSAN.
Oh yes. yep. Er...lot of work still?

HEROMAN:
Oh flat out. You know.

SUSAN SMILES AND NODS.

HEROMAN:
Listen, Susan about..

SUSAN:
<cutting in> No don't be silly. It's not your fault.

HEROMAN:
I do miss you.

SUSAN:
The thing is Heroman. Is that there's...well there's something...something I need to tell you...

A VOICE FROM ONE OF THE CHANGING ROOMS CUTS IN

VOICE: (RED VILLAIN)
Susan?

ANOTHER CHANGING ROOM DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND A RED MAN (RED VILLAIN) WALKS TOWARDS THEM. HE IS WEARING A VILLAIN COSTUME ON THE TOP HALF BUT IS WEARING SOME JEANS ON HIS LEGS.

RED VILLAIN:
Susan, what do you think?

HE NOTICES HEROMAN

RED VILLAIN:
Oh.

END.

OR MAYBE:

HE NOTICES HEROMAN. AND BECOMES A LITTLE AWKWARD.

RED VILLAIN: (LOOKING AT HEROMAN)
Colin.

HEROMAN: (NODS IN RECOGNITION)
Ed.

Sctachyr I enjoy this sketch. I myself have written a sketch and thus as a fellow writer I was curious as to how you come up with your various character names?

The rewrite is definitley better Scratchyr, but I think you could tighten it up a bit and lose the awkward stuff about work. I think -

*************
HEROMAN:
Yes of course. That Red Villain though eh?..it's lucky I came.

SUSAN.
Oh yes. Look the thing is Heroman is that there's... well there's something... something I need to tell you...

****************

... cuts to the chase and gets to the heart of the joke before the audience start getting fidgety.

This is a really good sketch. Keep up the stirling work.

What?!!! WHo's this Marc_P_74?!! All Imposters must get peeled!

LIME5000 - is that your real name?

Nah.

I liked both versions Scratchyr.
Although it's probably better tighter, I prefer the first one in a way.

I'd go from the "he tied you to a missile bit" maybe add another example & maybe just have her telling him why she got fed up with him, and took Solace in the Red Villain.
I'm not sure it needs some of the lines at the end, I think If It's just about the three of them it would benefit.

Liked this a lot (the long version works for me). Shades of 'No heroics'.

I think this is quite funny Sratch. I prefer the original.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ December 5 2009, 8:50 PM GMT

Sratch.

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