Have decided to post my own version of the pilot I wrote for "Big Top" back in 2004.
I was reluctant to post it until I saw the aired BBC1 version, as I'm taking legal advice as to whether I can receive any form of compensation for being able to prove that I came up with the idea for a circus sitcom called "Big Top" way, way before Daniel Peak did.
But seeing as the BBC1 version was quite different to my own, I guess it doesn't matter too much, and shouldn't make a difference.
Besides, I would quite like to hear the views of others. I'm fully prepared to be shot down in flames by all the "haters", and told it's a pile of shite....but you never know, there might actually be some people who instead are happy to offer some constructive criticism (Here's hoping!).
As a word of warning it was my first ever stab at comedy writing (so don't be too brutal!).... but watching the BBC1 show has rekindled my love for creative writing, so hey what the hell
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Big Top - By Jeff Powell (2004)
PILOT Episode - DRUMMING UP BUSINESS
INT. BIG TOPS OFFICE (CARAVAN) - DAY
Archibald "BIG TOP" Morris, 52, a big round man, the
Ringmaster and owner of the 'Morris & Co.' Travelling
Circus, is sitting at a make-shift desk in his personal
caravan, trying to get his head round the latest set of
company accounts. The caravan is in a field, amongst other
caravans occupied by other performers of the circus.
BIG TOP calls his bumbling assistant, NORMAN, 42, who is
skinny and slightly stupid. He calls him up on the mobile
phone.
BIG TOP
(To NORMAN on the mobile
phone)
Norman, where are you?
NORMAN
Outside Big Top. I'm just pumping
up one of the back tyres on the
caravan.
BIG TOP
Didn't you pump that tyre up
yesterday?
NORMAN
Yeah... and the day before... and
two days before that. I think it
might have a puncture
BIG TOP
(sighing)
Norman, at some stage in your
life, did you ever to stop to
think.... and then forget to
start again?
Cut to NORMAN'S face looking completely puzzled by this
remark.
BIG TOP (CONT'D)
Look, look leave the tyre and
come in here for a minute.
NORMAN
OK
NORMAN walks into the caravan and BIG TOP asks him to sit
down.
BIG TOP
Norman I've just been sitting
here looking through the company
accounts, and quite frankly I
can't make head nor tail of them.
NORMAN
What happened to the accountant
fellow you know that normally
deals with that sort of thing?
BIG TOP
Unfortunately he's had some
personal problems lately... his
assets were frozen
NORMAN
Financial trouble?
BIG TOP
No... apparently he had a nasty
accident at home with a frozen
chicken...he told me he's gonna
be in hospital for six weeks
NORMAN
What happened to the chicken?
BIG TOP
(puzzled)
Never mind what happened to the
chicken! Look, what I want to
know is... Do you know anyone
trustworthy who could look
through these accounts for us?
NORMAN
(pointing to the
accounts)
Would you like me to have a look
through them for you Big Top?
BIG TOP
Norman I don't mean to be rude,
but your a retard. Look, this is
complicated stuff. Even I don't
think I can manage it
NORMAN
Well I did do an accountancy
night-class once, years ago.
BIG TOP
(looking surprised)
I never knew that Norman?
NORMAN
Yeah... I was trying to better
myself. To be honest with you, I
didn't intend to do an
accountancy course though... I
wanted to do this really
interesting Geography class.
BIG TOP
What happened?
NORMAN
I got lost down one of the
corridors and couldn't find the
class-room
BIG TOP
Well aren't you a man of
surprises! OK, take a look at
them, and tell me what's going
on.
NORMAN takes the accounts and sits there looking through
them for a few moments in complete silence.
BIG TOP
Well? Is it good or bad?
NORMAN
Well according to this, Morris
and Co's. net profit for the
financial year after all
deductions, is sixty-five
thousand pounds...
Shot of BIG TOPS facial expression with a look of, 'that's
not too bad'.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
...if you was to put some zeros
on the end of the sixty five.
BIG TOP
What!? All we've made this year
was sixty-five pounds?! That
can't be right. I know this
hasn't been one of our better
years but.... Norman check it
again!
NORMAN looks through the accounts again.
NORMAN
Sorry Big Top my mistake!
BIG TOP
(sighing with relief)
Well thank goodness for that. So
what's the right amount?
NORMAN
It's minus sixty five pounds! I
forgot about that little line in
front of the pound sign! I always
used to forget that!....In Fact
there was this one time when I
was in class and the teacher...
BIG TOP
(Interrupting)
Shut up Norman!! Oh my God this
is a disaster! I don't know what
I'm gonna do.... Look, go and
make yourself scarce for a
bit...I need to do some thinking.
NORMAN
What shall I do?
BIG TOP
I don't know! Go and pump the
tyres up!
NORMAN
OK Big Top. Are we all still
having the weekly meeting this
afternoon?
BIG TOP
Yes. Tell all the performers to
be in the small tent for two
o'clock sharp. Oh and don't say a
word to anyone about me sacking
Mandrake tonight. I don't want
people getting worked up ok.
NORMAN leaves BIG TOP alone, and BIG TOP holds his head in
his hands. BIG TOP leans over and picks up a picture on the
side. It is a picture of him and his wife GLADYS.
BIG TOP
(to himself)
Oh Gladys my darling...where are
you?
Suddenly BIG TOP's phone rings. The mobile phone says
PRIVATE NUMBER on it. For a second, BIG TOP thinks it might
be his wife GLADYS, who walked out on him many years ago,
never to be seen or heard of again.
BIG TOP
(to himself)
Hello? Gladys? Is that you?
It is in fact BIG TOP'S arch rival FRED GONZOLI, 51, owner
of GONZOLI'S Circus.
FRED
Gladys? Wasn't that your wife's
name? No old boy, its your old
mate Fred Gonzoli! How's things?
BIG TOP
Oh, er yeah...Fantastic Fred!
Couldn't be better. Just this
minute looking through our
accounts as it goes... looking at
how well we're doing!
FRED
That's good to hear Big Top old
boy! We're not doing too bad here
ourselves. Not quite as good as
we did last summer, but a quarter
of a million in profit this year
isn't the end of the world I
suppose, eh!
Camera shot of FRED laughing, then cut to shot of BIG TOP
putting on an obviously false laugh
FRED (CONT'D)
Anyway Big Top, the reason I'm
calling is that we've added loads
of new, exciting performances to
our show, and was wondering if
you'd like to come along and take
a look? Give us your professional
opinion?
BIG TOP
I'd love to Fred...but you see
we've err.... just lined up loads
of new and exciting additions to
our own show, and what with
things being so busy and all, I'm
not sure I'd be able to make it.
FRED
Fair enough Big Top, Fair enough!
Well, if you change your mind,
just let me know!
FRED puts the phone down, and BIG TOP sits holding the
phone making silly faces at it, as he despises his arch
rival Fred for doing so well.
INT. MAIN CIRCUS ARENA - DAY
Camera Fades to SOPHIE, 26 the circus trapeze artist, a
very pretty girl, and FLAVIO, 31, a gay muscular man with a
very distinctive Italian Accent, who is SOPHIE'S trapeze
partner. They have just finished practising a trapeze
routine and are climbing down to the floor and sitting down
in the arena, talking about relationships.
SOPHIE
So Flav, how's the love life at
the moment?
FLAVIO
Nota so good! I meeta all these
cute English guys but there is no
connection. To be honest with you
Sophie, I'm at the point of
giving up on love... I'm
seriously considering going
straight!
SOPHIE
(looking surprised)
Really? Flav...have you
ever....you know... With a woman?
FLAVIO
Well I 'ad a brief thing with a
woman once, many years ago back
in Italy... To be honest with
you, ata the time I thought I was
in love!
SOPHIE
Really! You've never said
anything about this before Flav.
What happened?
FLAVIO
(looking really sad)
She dumped me because I broke her
'art
SOPHIE
Really? But your such a lovely
guy Flav?... I can't imagine you
breaking anyone's heart?
FLAVIO
No...art! Her art!... She was a
sculptor, and I was helping her
carry some sculptures she made,
and accidentally dropped them!
SOPHIE
Oh Flav! Well it was her loss,
that's all I can say!
FLAVIO
Well actually it was her loss, we
was taking them to an exhibition
to be sold!.. So what about youa?
You still not wanting to go on a
date with the lion tamer?
SOPHIE
Who Hugo? No way... He thinks
he's gods gift Flav! He tries
these cheesy chat up lines on me
every day and it makes me want to
puke! He's lost in his own little
bubble....oh look... speak of the
devil, and he shall appear!
HUGO, 29 and attractive, the Circus Lion-Tamer walks into
the arena
HUGO
(to Sophie and Flavio)
Hi Gorgeous, Hi Flav
FLAVIO and Sophie nod back.
HUGO
So....Soph ....Just to let you
know, any worries you've had
about coming back to mine in the
past....you no longer need to
worry.... I've Just finished
getting the bedroom soundproofed!
SOPHIE
Is that in case I was to come
back and scream in horror when
you drop your pants and I see how
tiny it is?!
SOPHIE and FLAVIO start laughing. HUGO gets annoyed.
HUGO
Oi! It's not small! It isn't...
Look I'll get it out right now if
you don't believe me! You just
better be careful you don't trip
over it, that's all I can say!
HUGO starts opening his belt buckle
SOPHIE
(Stopping him)
No look I was only joking
Hugo!.... I'm sure your bits and
pieces are just fine!
FLAVIO
(to Sophie)
Look I shall see youa later...I'm
off to have a shower and get
changed.
FLAVIO leaves Sophie and HUGO alone
HUGO
Look Soph.. Flavio's gone now so
there's no need to keep being
silly, and playing all hard to
get. You know you want me
SOPHIE
Yes your right, I do want you...
I want you to stop pestering me
Hugo!
HUGO
Aww don't be like that Soph...
I'd do anything for you
SOPHIE
Would you travel the ends of the
earth for me?
HUGO nods.
SOPHIE (CONT'D)
.....and then stay there?
HUGO
(getting annoyed)
Look you may as well just go out
with me Soph... You can't resist
forever
SOPHIE
Well I'll just have to resist for
as long as I can then.
HUGO
Fine! Your loss.
HUGO walks off and murmurs the word "lesbian" under his
breath. Sophie just shakes her head. NORMAN walks into the
arena.
NORMAN
Soph, Big Top wants a meeting in
an hours time.
SOPHIE
OK... Oh by the way... Norman,
there was something I wanted to
ask you, ... do you know what's
going on about Mandrake? There is
a rumor going round that he's
gonna get the sack
NORMAN
Well its not really for me to say
Soph. Besides, I've been sworn to
secrecy
SOPHIE
Oh come on Norm. I won't tell
anyone. You can trust me
NORMAN
No I can't. Sorry
SOPHIE
OK fair enough
SOPHIE gets up and starts to leave. NORMAN calls out to
her.
NORMAN
OK look if your not gonna stop
pestering me about it!! Look,
I'll tell you but you have to
promise not to say a word!
SOPHIE
Norman, I won't tell another
living soul I promise. My lips
are sealed
NORMAN
OK...but you have to promise not
to tell anyone... Not even
Flavio... Between you and me...
Mandrake is gonna get the sack
after tonight's performance...
Big Top was going to sack him
today, but we wouldn't have time
to replace him! Anyway, best be
off, but remember, this is
between you and me.
SOPHIE nods, and NORMAN walks off.
INT. BIG TOPS OFFICE - DAY
CAMERA cuts to BIG TOP and NORMAN in the CARAVAN. The door
bursts open and MANDRAKE, 35 the circus clown walks in,
looking extremely angry.
MANDRAKE
(to BIG TOP)
So your going to fire me after
tonight's performance then are
you?!!
BIG TOP
(trying to look
surprised)
What do you mean?
MANDRAKE
Look don't try to deny it! Lenny
the fire-breathing midget told
me!
BIG TOP looks at NORMAN, realizing NORMAN had betrayed him.
NORMAN tries to make excuses to get out of there.
NORMAN
D'ya know what Big Top, I've just
remembered, I have to err.. The
err.... I need to err...fix the
err....elephants!
BIG TOP
You have to fix the elephants?
NORMAN
Yes... they err... ain't gonna be
able to fix themselves! Anyway,
don't want to keep them waiting!
NORMAN dashes off out of the caravan. MANDRAKE is still
fuming.
BIG TOP
Look Mandrake come and sit down,
eh?
MANDRAKE
No I won't sit down! I've never
been so insulted in all my life!
I cannot believe you would even
consider giving me the sack!! I
am from a long line of clowns and
everybody knows I'm one of the
best and biggest clowns in
Europe!
BIG TOP
Look Mandrake, no-one is
questioning your performances as
a clown... they are always very
good. You are the biggest clown
I've ever seen, no doubt! The
problem is everything else about
you.
MANDRAKE
What do you mean?
BIG TOP
Well for a start, you keep
turning up late.
MANDRAKE
Big Top, a lot of people in this
world are late for their jobs?
BIG TOP
Yes but most don't live in a
caravan fifty yards away from
where they work!
MANDRAKE
OK fair point.
BIG TOP
And what about your weight? Your
not looking after yourself
Mandrake. Your getting fat
MANDRAKE
(pointing at BIG TOP'S
clothing)
Well I don't mean to be rude big
top, but I've seen baggier
tattoos! Your hardly one to talk!
BIG TOP
Look we're not talking about me
Mandrake, besides I'm big-boned.
We're talking about you. You need
to get into shape.
MANDRAKE
Well I did used to jog five miles
a day
BIG TOP
Why did you stop?
MANDRAKE
I found a short cut!
BIG TOP
Look enough of the jokes
Mandrake! This is serious. Look
most seriously of all, there is
your drinking problem
MANDRAKE
What drinking problem?
BIG TOP
Norman found seven empty bottles
of whisky under your caravan
MANDRAKE
And how d'you know they were
mine? They could have been
anyone's
BIG TOP
Well Norman also found two
bottles that were full, and you
made Norman hand them back!
MANDRAKE
Big Top I'm on a whisky diet...
I've lost four days so far!
BIG TOP
Look I'm being serious Mandrake!
You might be a clown, but don't
start acting like one around
here!
Shot of MANDRAKE looking confused
BIG TOP (CONT'D)
Anyone drinking that amount is
heading for an early exit I can
assure you. I'm sorry Mandrake,
but you've become a liability to
the Morris and Co. Travelling
circus. I'm gonna have to let you
go.
MANDRAKE suddenly starts crying.
MANDRAKE
I'm sorry Big Top, its the
depression. I've been suffering
for months. All my life I've just
wanted to be loved by the public,
to entertain all those kids, and
mums and dads, but sometimes
lately I've been feeling that I'm
not as good as I used to be.
Its affecting my confidence, and
making me feel so useless and
sad. The whisky takes the pain
away. I've been to the doctors so
many times these past few months,
and I thought that my life was
slowly starting to get back on
track. I was just starting to
enjoy life again.... But your
right Big Top, I deserve to be
out of work and homeless on the
streets, with nothing but
memories...wishing I'd only been
given a chance to sort myself
out...oh well.... I'll gather my
belongings, and leave.
MANDRAKE gets up and starts to walk towards the door. You
can tell BIG TOP feels bad and sorry for MANDRAKE.
BIG TOP
Look hold on a minute Mandrake.
Look I tell you what, I'm gonna
give you one last chance to sort
yourself out. Stay off the
whisky, and turn up on time and
things will be fine. OK
MANDRAKE starts smiling again.
MANDRAKE
Oh thank you big top! Thank you
so much! You won't regret this I
promise!
MANDRAKE walks out of the caravan. A few moments later
NORMAN walks back in.
NORMAN
Big Top I have a confession to
make. I didn't really have to go
to fix the elephants.
BIG TOP
(sarcastically)
Oh really Norman?
NORMAN
Yeah. I already fixed them
yesterday. No, actually I stood
outside listening to what you was
saying to Mandrake.
BIG TOP
Norman that was a private
conversation!
NORMAN
I know... That's why I tried to
stay as quiet as possible.
BIG TOP
(sighing)
Norman, are you aware of the
consequences of inbreeding?
NORMAN
No?
BIG TOP
No I don't think your parents
were either.... Look in future,
when I ask you to keep a secret,
you keep it a secret, OK
NORMAN
OK Big Top. Sorry Big Top. Thank
you Big Top.
BIG TOP
Right anyway... Start preparing
the tent for this meeting, while
I do some important officey,
businessey stuff!
INT. SECOND TENT NEAR MAIN TENT - DAY
CAMERA FADES TO A Small tent near the main tent, where
everyone has gathered for the weekly meeting. Everyone is
sitting down, talking amongst themselves, with BIG TOP and
NORMAN stood at the front. NORMAN is holding a note-pad and
pen. SOPHIE, FLAVIO, HUGO, MANDRAKE, LENNY the fire
breathing Midget 29, and three foot tall, and MAUREEN, 53,
a plump woman, the circus cook and cleaner.
BIG TOP
ok settle down everyone. Can I
have your attention please.
Right...so as you're all probably
aware, the Morris and Co
travelling circus hasn't had it's
best year.... In fact its had
it's worst... Look I'm not
blaming any of you lot, although
I probably should as you are the
performers, and you are what the
public pay to see, but never mind
that... The fact is, is that we
really need to do something about
it fast....
So what I'd like to do today is
have a bit of a brainstorming
session with us all, on how to
get this business going again. I
may be a proud man, but I'm
willing to listen to any ideas
anyone has about making this
place the best night out a family
can have. So come on, any ideas?
Anyone?
There is complete silence..
BIG TOP
Come on! Someone must have some
ideas?
Still complete silence
BIG TOP
Hello? Is there anybody there?
Earth to plankton? Good grief! I
Tell you It's like being amongst
the ancient greek philosophers in
here!
Come on...somebody must have some
ideas!! How do we get Morris and
co. Circus back up there in
lights! Come on.. How can we make
headlines?
LENNY
What about Corduroy pillows?
BIG TOP
What?
LENNY
Corduroy pillows...they would
make head lines!
A few people chuckle, but BIG TOP is not impressed
BIG TOP
(to Lenny)
Oh so it's tell-a-joke-day is it
Lenny? Knock knock
LENNY
Who's there?
BIG TOP
An annoying little midget like
you who can't reach the door
bell! Now look, are there any
normal-looking people with any
proper ideas?
SOPHIE
Big Top, well you know how we
normally pay people to go out and
hand out leaflets in the local
towns for the big show? Well we
could all go out ourselves and
hand them out perhaps? You
know...so the public can see who
we are face to face, and ask us
any questions. Plus it would save
money.
BIG TOP
Good idea Sophie!...a very good
idea in fact. Direct advertising,
I like it!...(To Norman) Norman,
note that down....anyone Else?
HUGO
Well a friend of mine works on
the local radio station. I could
speak to him and perhaps you
could go on and talk a bit about
living and working at a circus,
and drum up some interest?
BIG TOP
Fantastic! This is more like it!
(to Norman) NORMAN, jot that
down...Right OK... Anyone else?
There is another silence.
NORMAN
Err....We could tell loads of
people it's free entrance for the
whole family!
BIG TOP
(looking sceptical)
OK?... I already know this is
going to be completely rubbish,
but go on?....
NORMAN
Then when they all get here, we
could pretend that we forgot, and
go "oh sorry about that", and
then tell them that it's really
fifteen pounds each!
BIG TOP
And you think people would still
be happy to pay the money after
being told it's free Norman?
NORMAN
Well think about it Big Top...if
they didn't pay, then we wouldn't
let them in! Simple!
BIG TOP
OK Norman....write that down
Norman smiles as he jots down his idea
BIG TOP (CONT'D)
And now cross it out you
buffoon!!! I swear, I've known
bags of candy-floss with more
brains thank you!
Norman stops smiling
BIG TOP
OK well at least we've got some
good ideas here. OK right so here
is the plan...You lot will go out
into the town first thing
tomorrow morning and give out the
leaflets. Hugo, if you could
contact that guy at the radio
station... I will start
practising my interview
techniques. Norman, you can help
me.
People nod, and then start to get up from their seats.
BIG TOP
Oh and before you all go, I think
Maureen just wanted to say a few
words.
MAUREEN stands up
MAUREEN
(to everyone)
Yes, just to let you know that
unfortunately for the next few
days I won't be cooking for you
all, as I'm going to visit my
sister.
Everyone tries desperately to contain their happiness.
MAUREEN
Look I know you will all be
disappointed, but I'll be back
soon, so for the next few days
you'll just have to do with take
away food.
MANDRAKE
(sarcastically)
That's a real shame Maureen, that
scotch-egg and sardine curry you
make, always has such an effect
on me!
MAUREEN doesn't realise MANDRAKE is being sarcastic
MAUREEN
Oh bless ya!, and there was me
thinking that recipe didn't go
down too well. Well as soon as I
get back, that will be the first
thing I make...just for you
mandrake!
MANDRAKE
(to himself)
God help us!
MAUREEN
Sorry?
MANDRAKE
Err... Good helpings! I hope
there will be enough for
everyone!
MAUREEN smiles. The rest walk off
LENNY
Well done Mandrake. I'll be on
the toilet for a week again now!
MANDRAKE
Shut up and be grateful you only
get kids portions!
INT. BIG TOPS OFFICE - DAY
Camera cuts to the next day. BIG TOP and NORMAN sitting in
the caravan.
BIG TOP
OK Norman, so lets pretend we are
in the interview. You can be the
guy interviewing me. Ask me some
questions.
NORMAN
Er...OK. What's your name?
BIG TOP
Well my real name is Archibald
Morris, but everyone calls me Big
Top!
NORMAN
Whys that?
BIG TOP
Well err... the main tent in any
circus is commonly referred to as
the "big-top", and because I've
got a large personality and I'm
the boss, everyone calls me Big
Top!
NORMAN
Oh right... I would have thought
it was because you was really
fat.
BIG TOP
Norman the person interviewing me
won't say that!
NORMAN
Why, is he blind?
BIG TOP
No! Look just carry on will you!
Next question!
NORMAN
OK. So how long have you worked
in a circus?
BIG TOP
OK good. I've worked in the
circus all my life. The circus is
a family business and my parents,
grandparents, and great
grandparents were all part of
this circus too. Even when I was
a child I used to help out around
the place... Feeding the
elephants, sweeping up the arena
floors, carrying stuff around.
Circus life is in my blood!
NORMAN
OK well everyone give a big round
of applause to Big Top! Thanks
for coming in!
BIG TOP
Is that it? You have to ask me
more questions than that!
NORMAN
(pretending to talk into
an ear-piece)
OK guys we've got a live one
here! He's trying to take over
the show! Can we get someone in
to escort him from the premises
please!
BIG TOP
Norman what are you doing?
NORMAN
Look if you could please leave
the station calmly and quietly
please sir, I will remind you we
are live, and there are children
listening.
BIG TOP
OK forget this. I'd have more
chance getting sense out of a
bowl of soggy weetabix! Look, go
and pick my ringmasters suit up
from the dry-cleaners will you.
NORMAN gets up and walks out the door. BIG TOP gets on the
phone to SOPHIE, who is out on the streets handing out
leaflets with the other performers.
BIG TOP
How's things going Soph?
EXT. TOWN CENTRE - DAY
SOPHIE
Not so great big top. Lenny's
left already
BIG TOP
Why?
SOPHIE
Well apparently a lady was
walking her dog, and the dog
cocked his leg up and peed on
him.... So he's gone home to
change his shirt!
BIG TOP
Oh dear
SOPHIE
Hugo's not much help either. He
keeps getting distracted.
He keeps seeing his own image in
shop windows...
Shot of HUGO posing at himself in a shop window.
SOPHIE (CONT'D)
.... and now Mandrake is getting
harassed by young kids!
Camera cuts to MANDRAKE surrounded by children.
CHILD
Come on then! Make us laugh. Tell
us a joke!
MANDRAKE
Well I'm more of a performance
clown to be honest. I juggle and
dance, and I perform slap-stick
routines
CHILD
So you can't tell jokes then?
Your not very funny are you? I
thought clowns were meant to be
funny?
MANDRAKE
Well yes I can tell jokes, but as
I say, the show is more of a
family entertainment performance
piece...not really stand-up
CHILD
Well I'll come to the show, and
get all of my friends to as well
if you tell us a funny joke!
MANDRAKE
Err... OK...err.. OK why was the
broom-stick late? It over-swept!
CHILD
That's rubbish! Tell a proper
joke, not a stupid kids joke! I'm
not eleven you know!
MANDRAKE
(now getting annoyed)
OK fine... A man walks into a
doctors and says, "doctor I've
got a bunch of strawberries
growing out of my arse", and the
doctor says, "I've got some cream
for that!"
At that precise moment a woman starts whacking MANDRAKE
round the back of the head with her handbag.
WOMAN
You disgusting man! I cannot
believe you're telling sordid
adult jokes like that to young
children! You should be ashamed
of yourself!
Camera cuts back to Sophie on the phone to BIG TOP
SOPHIE
Somehow I think Mandrake will be
heading back soon as well!
BIG TOP
Well just keep plugging away and
make sure all the leaflets get
handed out... I'm off to this
radio station.
SOPHIE
OK big top.
Shot of SOPHIE in foreground, with the WOMAN chasing
MANDRAKE along the high street with her handbag, in the
background.
INT. RADIO STATION - DAY
Camera cuts to BIG TOP and NORMAN walking into the radio
booth and being introduced to the shows DJ, DJ BOB. He
lowers the music level as the end of a song finishes
playing.
DJ BOB
(into the microphone)
OK listeners that was 'circus' by
erasure! Speaking of circuses
listeners, I'd like to introduce
you to today's special guest who
believe it or not, actually works
in a circus...
One of DJ BOB'S sucking-up studio assistants whispers into
BIG TOP'S ear "DJ Bob is so good! Seamless! Makes it look
so easy! Legend!"
DJ BOB (CONT'D)
....His name is Big Top, and he
is the ringmaster and owner of
the travelling circus, Morris and
CO, which I'm sure all you
listeners are going to be
visiting in the few days that
they are here with us in
Shrewsbury!
Remember listeners, if you have
any questions for Big Top, please
feel free to phone in and ask
away. OK... so lets get going
shall we? So..Mister Big Top sir,
what kind of things do you have
at your circus?
BIG TOP
Well.... its a err...fantastic
night out for all the family. We
have clowns, Lion Tamers, fire
breathers, trapeze artists, and
much, much more!
DJ
It all sounds great! I'll have to
"juggle" my schedule and "tame"
the wife into coming along! And
lets hope she doesn't "breathe
fire" or "flip" about it! Ha ha!
People in the office laugh, but BIG TOP looks at NORMAN in
a puzzled way as if to say 'what is everyone laughing at?'
DJ (CONT'D)
No only joking of course. She
does what she's told...So Big
Top, are you married?
BIG TOP
Well err...yes but we err... Are
sort of on a trial separation at
the moment.
NORMAN
She got up and left him in the
middle of the night two years
ago!
BIG TOP
That's not true!..... She left
early in the morning....It was
for the best though. I mean
sometimes I used to wake up
grumpy....other times I'd let her
sleep!!
BIG TOP bursts into laughter, but everyone else is silent
and straight-faced.
BIG TOP (CONT'D)
Err... But...hmm.
DJ BOB
Anyway...So Big Top, I hear you
travel all around the country
with your travelling circus...
BIG TOP looks at NORMAN as if to say "well obviously!"
DJ BOB (CONT'D)
...so how are you finding
Shrewsbury?
BIG TOP
Oh fantastic. The people around
these parts are special, that's
for sure!
DJ BOB
OK?... so er looking at the
lines, it looks as though we have
some callers who'd like to ask
you a few questions. Lets go
straight to line four. Hello,
your through to DJ Bob and Big
Top on Cruuuuuuuse FM!
CALLER 1
Hiya DJ Bob... Hiya Big Top...Er
yeah err...I'm thirteen, and to
me, getting involved with the
circus sounds really exciting,
and I think it's something I
might like to do. Is there any
advice you could give me on how I
could go about it?
BIG TOP
Well sonny, you could always run
away from home and join up if you
wanted, that's how a lot of
people get involved with the
circus and...
The DJ makes frantic gestures to BIG TOP, signalling that
he shouldn't be saying that kind of thing, and quickly
interrupts
DJ BOB
...Err what I think Big Top means
son is that, many years ago, kids
ran away from home and joined the
circus, but in today's times, you
should stay at home, and in
school and work hard, and then
perhaps contact circuses for
jobs.. OK thanks for your call.
OK lets go to line two...what's
your question?
CALLER 2
Hi there, yes I've always loved
going to the circus...In fact the
Cirque du Soleil was one of the
real highlights of my life....
BIG TOP looks at NORMAN as if to say "he obviously doesn't
get out much, does he!"
CALLER 2
...anyway, one of the things I've
never liked about the circus
however, was the way in which the
animals were treated. I honestly
believe that it is incredibly
cruel keeping wild animals caged
up, and then put on display to
perform silly tricks. I was
wondering what your thoughts are
on this?
BIG TOP
Well sir I can assure you, our
animals are treated absolutely
fine. None of them are treated
badly. They even get fed once in
a while if they perform
well!....just joking.
CALLER 2
So you think its right to make
defenceless animals perform silly
tricks?
BIG TOP
Look I hardly think getting an
elephant to wave it's leg at the
audience is a silly trick, is it
sir?
CALLER 2
Well how would you like to be
caged up for twenty hours a day?
BIG TOP
(getting angry)
How would you like me to come and
find you and kick you in the.....
DJ
(interrupting)
...And I'm afraid that's all
we've got time for. I'd like to
thank my guest Big Top for coming
in, and I'd also like to thank
our last caller, the Mayor of
Shrewsbury...
BIG TOP looks at NORMAN as if to say "oops!"
DJ (CONT'D)
...And if you'd like to see the
Morris and Co. Circus, they will
be performing all weekend at Feel
Good Farm. Now for a bit of
Spandau Ballet... I'm not
lying.....it's 'True'
The music turns on and DJ BOB and BIG TOP go off air.
DJ BOB
Well that was interesting!
BIG TOP
Thanks, I....
DJ
(interrupting and
speaking into his
earpiece)
OK can we get these weird people
out of here please guys....
NORMAN looks at BIG TOP and gives him a look that says
"told you so", and the two are escorted out of the
building.
INT. BIG TOPS OFFICE - NIGHT
Camera cuts to BIG TOP back at the caravan, getting ready
for the show, putting his ringmaster suit and top-hat on.
Norman is polishing BIG TOPS shoes.
BIG TOP
Well hopefully we've managed to
get a few people to come and see
us tonight. I think tonight will
be a good one.
NORMAN
I'm sure we did Big Top, I think
you was brilliant on that radio
show today.
BIG TOP
Well what can I say Norman,
you've either got it or you
haven't.... Now did you check all
the bins on the high street like
I asked you to?
NORMAN
Yeah, I got back all the leaflets
for the show that weren't torn or
folded, just like you said Big
Top.
BIG TOP
Good man Norman, we'll hand them
out tomorrow... Are all the
performers ready?
NORMAN
Yep, just waiting on you Big
Top... D'ya know what...your big,
grand ringmaster introduction is
always my favourite part of the
night.
BIG TOP
Well Norman, keep on working
hard, and one day I might let you
have a go at being the ringmaster
yourself!
NORMAN
(looking really
surprised)
Really Big Top? Do you mean that?
BIG TOP
No of course not you idiot, I'd
rather one of the elephants
introduce the show than you!
NORMAN
Right your shoes are nice and
polished.
BIG TOP
Can I see my face in them?
NORMAN
Well you could if your belly
wasn't in the way
BIG TOP
Good stuff! OK well pop over to
the main tent and check
everything is ready for me. I
just need to psyche myself up!
NORMAN
OK big top... See you in a
minute.
NORMAN gets up and walks out of the Caravan. BIG TOP is on
his own.
He steps in front of the mirror to look at himself. He
pulls a few silly faces, and makes some random sounds, to
relax himself.
BIG TOP
(to himself in the
mirror)
OK good looking, lets put on a
good one. You never know if
Gladys is out there, you never
know.... Maybe tonight is the
night she comes back, eh?
Suddenly there is a knock on the door.
BIG TOP
Gladys? Is that you?
NORMAN walks back in, and stands in front of BIG TOP
NORMAN
No its me, Norman
BIG TOP
I can see that you idiot! What is
it? Why have you come back?
NORMAN
I just thought I'd let you know.
The circus is half-full
BIG TOP
Your joking?
NORMAN
No serious.
There is a brief pause.
BIG TOP
Fantastic! It worked!! They're
starting to come back! This time
next week we'll have the place
three quarters-full!! Come on,
lets get to it, I've got a circus
to run!
THE END
