The Organ Player Page 2

Firstly, you name your characters 'MAN and WIFE' but they're discussing their forthcoming wedding! (surprised no one mentioned it before)

I've given the characters actual names, I think it helps to bring things to life.

Secondly; be honest, Giggle-o, it's trying to be all 'double entendre', but not subtle enough. Let's face it; it's as plain as the knob on your chopper that it's a cock sketch!

So I've done a rewrite; gone with only one 'entendre' - and tossed ('scuse pun) subtlety through the stained glass window.

Oh - I (more or less) changed the whole sketch. A bit naughty really - sorry!

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INT. CHURCH. DAY

A CHURCH ORGANIST, NEVILLE, (MID 30's) DRESSED ALL IN BLACK IS WALKING ALONG THE BALCONY LEADING UP TO THE CHURCH ORGAN. HE IS A SOFTLY-SPOKEN, RESERVED CHARACTER; HE HUNCHES FORWARD DEFERENTIALLY AS HE SPEAKS TO A YOUNG ENGAGED COUPLE; CHARLOTTE AND STEPHEN. CHARLOTTE IS CHATTING WITH NEVILLE WHILST STEPHEN IS POLITELY 'HANGING BACK'.

CHARLOTTE:
So how long have you been playing?

NEVILLE:
The organ - or with my penis?

CHARLOTTE:
With your penis of course.

NEVILLE:
For as long as I can remember. I've become so attached to it, I call it 'my cock'.

STEPHEN:
So do I, actually (QUICKLY) - not your cock of course - my cock. (CHUCKLES)

CHARLOTTE IGNORES STEPHEN AND CONTINUES CHATTING TO NEVILLE

CHARLOTTE:
So will you be available for our wedding? We'd love you to play.

NEVILLE:
On the organ?

CHARLOTTE:
No - with your cock.

NEVILLE:
So what happens with the 'Here Comes The Bride'?

CHARLOTTE:
Ah - that's where my Stephen comes in... (TO STEPHEN) Tell him darling.

STEPHEN:
The Vicar has agreed to a slight change in tradition, as it were.

NEVILLE:
Really?

CHARLOTTE:
Yes. After the Vicar says, 'I now pronounce you man and wife", he'll say... (NODS TO STEPHEN)

STEPHEN:
... 'You may now f**k the Bride.'

CHARLOTTE:
And when I go, (SCREAMS) Eeeeeee – YES! - you play, 'Here Comes The Bride'.

NEVILLE:
With my left hand, obviously.

CHARLOTTE:
I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Quote: Morrace @ December 3 2009, 3:57 PM GMT

Firstly, you name your characters 'MAN and WIFE' but they're discussing their forthcoming wedding! (surprised no one mentioned it before)

View original

You make a good point, thanks.

Quote: Morrace @ December 3 2009, 3:57 PM GMT

Secondly; be honest, Giggle-o, it's trying to be all 'double entendre', but not subtle enough.

View original

When haven't I been honest about the basis of the sketch, Morrace? My intention wasn't to make it subtle, as is clearly evidenced.

Quote: Morrace @ December 3 2009, 3:57 PM GMT

So I've done a rewrite; gone with only one 'entendre' - and tossed ('scuse pun) subtlety through the stained glass window.

Oh - I (more or less) changed the whole sketch. A bit naughty really - sorry!

________________________________________________________________________________

INT. CHURCH. DAY

A CHURCH ORGANIST, NEVILLE, (MID 30's) DRESSED ALL IN BLACK IS WALKING ALONG THE BALCONY LEADING UP TO THE CHURCH ORGAN. HE IS A SOFTLY-SPOKEN, RESERVED CHARACTER; HE HUNCHES FORWARD DEFERENTIALLY AS HE SPEAKS TO A YOUNG ENGAGED COUPLE; CHARLOTTE AND STEPHEN. CHARLOTTE IS CHATTING WITH NEVILLE WHILST STEPHEN IS POLITELY 'HANGING BACK'.

CHARLOTTE:
So how long have you been playing?

NEVILLE:
The organ - or with my penis?

CHARLOTTE:
With your penis of course.

NEVILLE:
For as long as I can remember. I've become so attached to it, I call it 'my cock'.

STEPHEN:
So do I, actually (QUICKLY) - not your cock of course - my cock. (CHUCKLES)

CHARLOTTE IGNORES STEPHEN AND CONTINUES CHATTING TO NEVILLE

CHARLOTTE:
So will you be available for our wedding? We'd love you to play.

NEVILLE:
On the organ?

CHARLOTTE:
No - with your cock.

NEVILLE:
So what happens with the 'Here Comes The Bride'?

CHARLOTTE:
Ah - that's where my Stephen comes in... (TO STEPHEN) Tell him darling.

STEPHEN:
The Vicar has agreed to a slight change in tradition, as it were.

NEVILLE:
Really?

CHARLOTTE:
Yes. After the Vicar says, 'I now pronounce you man and wife", he'll say... (NODS TO STEPHEN)

STEPHEN:
... 'You may now f**k the Bride.'

CHARLOTTE:
And when I go, (SCREAMS) Eeeeeee – YES! - you play, 'Here Comes The Bride'.

NEVILLE:
With my left hand, obviously.

CHARLOTTE:
I wouldn't have it any other way.

________________________________________________________________________________

View original

Really you're just taking the piss, but, hey, that's what you do! (This isn't a criticism, I find most things you write funny...it's just this time I'm on the end of it!).

Quote: The Giggle-o @ December 3 2009, 4:09 PM GMT

Really you're just taking the piss, but, hey, that's what you do!

View original

Ah, yes - but in a constructive way (for a change).

Now if your 'The Organ Player' was produced on stage and I were a Theatre critic; I would write "I was inspired!" (which I was) - then you could slap a sticker on it. Hold on - even better - here's the Poster for it:

Very nice. I give you an A for effort, Morrace.

I think the problem with this sketch is that it's not sure how self-knowing (for want of a better expression!) it wants to be.

I think if you're open to making it a darker sketch it may work better if the organist starts by making the odd cheeky, knowing reference to 'playing with his organ' which the couple politely giggle at to begin with, and then just escalate from there so that each passing reference becomes more salacious and even menacing, culminating in the inevitable! (possibly whilst singing 'Oh cum all ye faithful!')

Maybe the best twist would be for him to actually just play the organ - possibly to the couple's surprise or disappointment?

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ December 4 2009, 10:08 AM GMT

Maybe the best twist would be for him to actually just play the organ - possibly to the couple's surprise or disappointment?

View original

No. Keep it as it is, the structure and reveal is correct.

Quote: jim field @ December 4 2009, 11:39 AM GMT

No. Keep it as it is, the structure and reveal is correct.

View original

Would I criticise your conveyancing skills, jim?

Yes, I probably would if you took ages and your searches failed to reveal the bypass that would run through the backgarden.

Conveyancing? Hardly.

I do also write, and I think that my advice is correct in this case. That's not to say I completely dismiss your opinion though.

Quote: Speckled Jim @ December 4 2009, 9:58 AM GMT

I think the problem with this sketch is that it's not sure how self-knowing (for want of a better expression!) it wants to be.

I think if you're open to making it a darker sketch it may work better if the organist starts by making the odd cheeky, knowing reference to 'playing with his organ' which the couple politely giggle at to begin with, and then just escalate from there so that each passing reference becomes more salacious and even menacing, culminating in the inevitable! (possibly whilst singing 'Oh cum all ye faithful!')

View original

Thanks for the read and suggestions Speckled Jim. I like the idea of escalating the innuendo but I wanted to keep to the character as soft and genial. I'm torn between keeping it as the original, playing to an almost inevitable end,and have him as a running character or to go for a somewhat 'surprise' ending like my alternate ending. Cheers!

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ December 4 2009, 10:08 AM GMT

Maybe the best twist would be for him to actually just play the organ - possibly to the couple's surprise or disappointment?

View original

I did wonder that. I also considered having him play really well then in walks the priest in bondage gear to greet the engaged couple. I dunno, choices, choices!
Thanks Dolly! (at least you know you've been cast to play the role of the wife!)

Quote: jim field @ December 4 2009, 11:39 AM GMT

No. Keep it as it is, the structure and reveal is correct.

View original

Thanks Jim. So did you 'like' the original or is it just a case that you feel it worked better?

Thanks everybody!

Length or girth for what it's worth...........

Maybe he could play a GIANT kidney

I liked the sketch but I was hoping for a twist at the end.....What if he unzipped his fly and started playing the organ with his 'organ'?