Anyone get anything on?
I scored with another sketch. 
The conversation piece, talking about the woman who ripped off her lovers testicles in an argument.
Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 25
That was my favourite gag Mr J!
Thanks guys.
Favourite gag, wow!
Funnily enough, that was probably the weakest of the small bunch I sent in, but it obviously struck a chord somewhere.
Quote: Mikey Jackson @ November 30 2009, 2:20 AM GMTAnyone get anything on?
I scored with another sketch.
Well done Mikey. That's the only reason I can think of why this little gem didn't get on. What do you mean it's crap?
F/X:MAN SCREAMING IN AGONY
DRUNKEN WOMAN
h Cameron, you wimp, I'm so angry with you I'm gonna tear your testicles right off.
DAVID CAMERON
HIGH PITCHED) No, no please. You've got the wrong man, I tell you. It's Gordon Brown you want, he's got Balls.
Quote: Lbug @ November 30 2009, 9:33 PM GMTWell done Mikey. That's the only reason I can think of why this little gem didn't get on. What do you mean it's crap?
F/X:MAN SCREAMING IN AGONY
DRUNKEN WOMAN
DAVID CAMERON
No chance of that getting on - there's a danger it might actually contain traces of satire. 
Hi guys. What is the correct email address for submissions? The one I found is the Philip Differs one, but I noticed that earlier in the thread there is a Cat Ross address mentioned.
Cheers
Kevin
Kevin
philipdiffer@comedyunit.co.uk is the correct address, the Cat Ross mail was only used for the opening week.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ December 1 2009, 6:38 PM GMTKevin
philipdiffer@comedyunit.co.uk is the correct address, the Cat Ross mail was only used for the opening week.
Great. Many thanks for that
Well done MJ on last week's sketch!
This week's shenanigans:
******************************************************************************
Susan Boyle has agreed to grow a moustache for charity.
Stars from the worlds of music and football have come out to support David Beckham's Asthma charity including Puff Daddy and Aerosol Campbell.
Manchester Police investigating the UEFA cup violence say they have identified over 1000 Rangers fans after CCTV pictures showed them being caught red-handed.
US rapper Puff Daddy is to tour with Irish rapper Duff Paddy.
Following his car accident, Tiger Woods has been charged with reckless driving.
Tiger Woods says allegations that his wife attacked him with a golf club are true and has described her as an 'utter nutter with a putter'.
A competition has begun to design a kilt with London's first official tartan. The design should reflect an outsider's view of the capital and must contain large checks and be easy to rip-off.
The Large Hadron Collider experiment on the French-Swiss border set a new world record for energy this week. A spokesman said the energy would have been even higher if Thierry Henry hadn't deliberately handled one of the atoms.
The Lisbon Treaty was ratified this week and means that Celtic will now be limited to mentioning '1967' only 50 times a week.
The Government scrappage scheme has been extended for 6-months in order to allow Davie Weir to finish the season.
When asked to comment on rumours of her husband's infidelity, Elin Woods said "Tiger is a lyin', cheater, hippocritter".
Rangers' share price tumbled this week following Lloyd's elimination from the X-Factor.
Nacho Novo has apologised for his behaviour at Pittodrie, saying he only misbehaves when there is a full moon.
Pete Doherty has apologised after a performance of him singing a Nazi anthem was uploaded on You-Tube and the German video site, U-Boat.
Italian police have crashed their most valuable patrol car, a 500 horses-head power Lamborghini.
Nacho Novo claims he only dropped his shorts at Pittodrie to highlight the tackle from behind.
Great stuff Tam, my picks were the 'red-handed Rangers fans' and 'the lyin' cheater' 
Well done, Tam. Given me a few ideas for this week as well.
I've decided to try to make up for my lack of input last week and have sent loads of stuff in for this week, in fact I feel sorry for Phil for having to go through my copious comedic discharge.
Stick 'em up Tony, I can then delete my inferior efforts on the same subjects
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ December 2 2009, 2:37 PM GMTStick 'em up Tony, I can then delete my inferior efforts on the same subjects
I think this week I've gone for "Quantity" rather than "Quality".
Here's a brief selection, some of them probably need trimming and re-wording but they're enough to give the jist;
A spokesman for CERN has revealed that the Large Hadron Collider had produced it's first low energy collision, which he described as exciting as it had produced about as much energy as a collision between Tiger Woods and a fire hydrant.
Pete Doherty has apologised after singing an offensive song at a concert in Germany but revealed that he was contractually obliged to sing the new Babyshambles single.
Tourism officials in Sicily have started up "Anti Mafia Tours" to encourage tourists to visit the Italian island, they've announced plans to rate hotels using a new horses head system, with 5 horses head being the top rating. Apparently some bedrooms will feature aquariums so that people nostalgic about the Cosa Nostra can still "sleep with the fishes". Hotel owners will undergo special customer service training so that they can make special offers that tourists cannot refuse.
Dunfermline firm Optos, which develops eye testing machines, has announced a pre-tax loss of more than £2million although accountants admitted that they were struggling to see the bottom line.
Dunfermline firm Optos, which develops eye testing machines, has announced a pre-tax loss of more than £2million although accountants admitted that it could be a "5" or possibly an "S".
After dropping his shorts at the match against Aberdeen, Rangers striker Nacho Novo, has agreed to sing on a charity fundraising single of the Waterboys classic "The whole of the moon".
A cash strapped couple from Macclesfield have revealed that there are paying for their dream wedding by starring in porn films. Tommy, 36, admitted that it was the only way that Lisa, 34, would let him take her up the aisle and slip his ring on her finger.
I liked 'The Bottom Line' gag Tony, but I'm offended by the Babyshambles joke, it's bordering on blasphemy
I've gone with:
Two 57-year-old men are recovering from leg wounds after being shot while hunting geese. "We didn't think it through," said the Gander twins.
A charity has kitted out youngsters in Liberia with dozens of Motherwell FC shirts. There are now a number of kids who want a top themselves.
A Scottish brewery has launched the world's strongest beer, and has advised drinkers to take it in small measures. I wish I hadn't ordered 88 pints now; they've got me over a barrel.
Drugs finds in prison have reached a new average of five a day, finally reaching government guidelines.
New research suggests that two-thirds of men and half of women in Scotland are overweight. I guess pot does lead to something heavier.
Controversial referee Mike McCurry has launched a new career as a magician. It's nothing new for McCurry; he'd often make a Rangers penalty appear out of nowhere.
The SNP have created an iphone application that shows a map of the local area, including all local fruit distributors. This app'll blossom.
Computer geek Gary McKinnon should not be tried in America, his mother has claimed. "He should be tried in New Zealand;" she said, "they appreciate a good hacker there."
Rangers striker Nacho Novo faces an inquiry after he dropped his shorts after a defeat to Aberdeen. It's not been all bad news for Novo; he's lined up a second career as a Georgie Samaras impersonator.
An armed robber who tried to disguise himself by wearing sunglasses was caught after police recognised him on CCTV. Times have been hard recently for Stevie Wonder.
Tommy Sheridan was furious after his wife was reduced to tears during a bust up at an election count with rival Frances Curran. The former Scottish Socialist Party leader could have swung for her.
Penicillin has been voted as the top Scottish invention, by a group who have slept with Katie Price.
Referee's chief Hugh Dallas has finally responded to Jim Gannon, after the Motherwell boss repeatedly wrote to the SFA demanding an explanation. Dallas replied, "Honestly, it was Sue Ellen's sister."
Gordon Ramsay may have to close two restaurants as his tax problems intensify. "This has come as a shock to me, I've always tried to behave honestly," said Ramsay, the all-time Rangers top goalscorer.
Short Back and Forths:
MAN 1
Did you hear that SuBo's album is the best-selling debut in UK history?
MAN 2
Who's SuBo?
MAN 1
Susan Boyle - you take the first two letters of her first name and the first two letters of her surname.
MAN 2
Shouldn't it be FaFu?
END
MAN 1
I hear that campaigners are looking for a venue to host a demonstration against the Scottish Government's apathy towards the cruelty of seals.
MAN 2
I've got a club they can use.
END
MAN 1
Did you have a good time at the Scottish Fireworks Championships?
MAN 2
My new girlfriend did - she's now hassling me to put our own show on.
MAN 1
Are you gonna do it?
MAN 1
Aye, I've bought a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger now.
END
MAN 1
Have you heard the rumours about this Tiger Woods domestic bust up?
MAN 2
Aye, I heard he was seeing up to three women on the side, and he picked up an STD, that's why his wife went ballistic.
MAN 1
Have any of these women backed this story up?
MAN 2
No, they can't see the Woods for the cheese.
END
MAN 1
Police in Tayside are to offer personal safety alarms to victims of domestic abuse.
MAN 2
That's a great initiative.
MAN 1
Aye, although probably not as useful as cookery lessons.
END