As it's that time of year I thought I would have a go at writing some proper Christmas Cracker jokes, see what you think (and remember they are supposed to be pretty dreadful!);
1.Why was the Eskimo happy when he heard the final question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"?
Because Inuit.
2.Why are herbalists so rich?
Because Thyme is money.
3.What was Charles Darwin's favourite computer game?
Pro-Evolution Soccer.
4.How do you tell the difference between a Rook and a Crow?
Rooks can't fly diagonally.
5.What's the most popular brand of magarine for moths?
I can't believe it's not butterflies.
6.What do you call a martial artist who throws a religious woman?
A nunchuka.
7.What do you call a collection of scholarly nuts?
Macademia.
8.What are a mathematician's favourite sea creatures?
Octopi.
9.What do you call an Egyptian chocolate bar that's full of bubbles?
A Ph-Aero.
10.What sort of bedside light eventually turns into a butterfly?
A Larvae lamp.
11.What is an American Indian's favourite biscuit?
A Custer Cream.
12.How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse Code.
13.Why do French pirates never say "thank you"?
Because they are told to show no merci.
14.Which lawyers favourite band is U2?
The ones that work Pro Bono.
15.What do you call the head of the Catholic Church sat on a muffin and covered in hollandaise sauce?
Pope Eggs Benedict.
16.What is the motto for Lion tamers?
Pride comes before a maul.
17.Where can you buy a right angle?
At a corner shop.
18.Why do so many spiders work in IT?
Because they are great at web design.
19.Why should you never lend money to a cochlea?
Because they'll always be inner ears (in arrears).
20.Why was the Chemistry teacher sacked?
Because he was caught exposing himself to the elements.
21.What do you call a piece of music written by Bill Clinton's Vice President using mathematical sequencing?
An Al Gore rhythm (algorithm).
22.Where do lefthanded German golfers play?
On a links course.
23.What do you call a psychologist covered in clingfilm?
Shrinkwrapped.
24.Why are vegetarian comedians so bad?
Because their jokes are Quorny.
25.Who is a bees favourite singer?
Sting.
26.Which pop group is a bees favourite?
Queen.
27.Where do you go to complain about the size of your shellfish?
The small clams court.
28.Why is North Korea not as good as South Korea?
Because it's got no Seoul.
29.What's the best computer game to play with a cold?
Catarrh Hero.
30.Why did the masseuse get sacked?
Because he kept rubbing people up the wrong way.
31.Where should you go if Japanese cartoons fill you with rage?
Manga management classes.
32.What did the anesthetist say to the man who asked to borrow his bottle of ether?
"Knock yourself out".
33.What is the most popular newspaper in Tibet?
The Daily Lama.
34.Why did the man go to the gym dressed as the Devil?
Because he needed to exorcise his demons.
