Hit and Run

POLICE ARE ASSMEBLED AROUND A PIZZA BOY WHO IS SPLAYED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD; PARAMEDICS ARE ATTENDING TO HIM; A CROWD HAS GATHERED.

POLICEMAN
(ON WALKIE-TALKIE) Yeah, we haven't got any more information yet but it sounds like it might be a hit-and-run.

PARAMEDIC
(TO UNCONSCIOUS PIZZA BOY) Just stay in there, everything will be fine, you've just got to stay calm.

POLICEMAN
(TO PARAMEDIC) How's he looking?

PARAMEDIC
Not good.

FX: DISTANT SCREAMING.

POLICEMAN
Brace yourselves, looks like one of the relatives has heard.

CUT TO: AERIAL SHOT TAKING IN THE WHOLE STREET; A MAN COMES RUNNING IN FROM A FAR SCREAMING 'NOO'. THE POLICEMAN WALKS TOWARDS THEM; THE SCREAMER GOES RIGHT UP TO THE DELIVERY BOY AND STOOPS DOWN.

SCREAMER
Where's the pizza? Where is it?!

SCREAMER LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE PIZZA ; HE PULLS IT TOWARDS HIMSELF OPENS IT AND TAKES A SLICE.

SCREAMER
[WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PIZZA] Is he alright?

PARAMEDIC
What do you care?!

SCREAMER
He was like a brother to me.

POLICEMAN
How did you know him then?

SCREAMER
[LOOKING PUZZLED] He's my brother.

END OF SKETCH

That was a Giggle-No from me, I'm afraid. Or maybe I'm missing something?

Whoa, that was quick! Uhm, maybe you are, maybe (probably) you're not.

Well written though, if English is your first language anyway...

Quote: Leevil @ November 29 2009, 2:42 AM GMT

Well written though, if English is your first language anyway...

View original

I'm not sure how to take that? (English is my first and only language, oui).

No, seriously. Let's workshop this.

Tell me, what do you think is wrong with this sketch? *raises eyebrow*

Quote: Leevil @ November 29 2009, 2:44 AM GMT

No, seriously. Let's workshop this.

Tell me, what do you think is wrong with this sketch? *raises eyebrow*

View original

I've written it.

It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your... well actually it is.

Quote: Leevil @ November 29 2009, 2:47 AM GMT

It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your... well actually it is.

View original

I apologise for hijacking your thread.

Honest critique, I thought it was well written, I was engaged enough to read through and I like pizza.

I don't get the punchline. I'll understand if you don't want to explain.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ November 29 2009, 2:37 AM GMT

SCREAMER
He was like a brother to me.

View original

Ahhh!!!!!! >_< I just got it! Yes, well after that. OK, joke. Doesn't justify I sketch though, IMO.

It is a kind of play on words of when people say 'they were like a brother to me' as there is nothing more than being 'like a brother to someone' than actually being their brother. The flippant, glibness of the pizza eater is meant to provide some humourous content, but clearly I have failed with this intention. Cheers though Lee, you can now, officially, call me Adam if you so wish.

Quote: Leevil @ November 29 2009, 2:55 AM GMT

Ahhh!!!!!! >_< I just got it! Yes, well after that. OK, joke. Doesn't justify I sketch though, IMO.

View original

The original idea was just that someone comes running in and you think they are coming to the aid of a loved one but they just want the pizza, almost like an advert. The ending was tagged on this evening.

Ok, Adam-o. Sorry for being such a dumb-arse! 3AM so it's allowed.

I think this is a decent premise for a sketch, it just seems a little long-winded at the mo. Personally, I would do away with the paramedic, policeman and the 'brother' bit - just keep it as the original basis idea that you described. Or perhaps you could have him lament his own misfortune that it was a type of pizza he doesn't particularly care for?

Maybe the person is the original reciptent of the pizza and is ecstatic it's free because he has taken longer than an hour?

That's a different sketch really isn't it, the joke for me in this as it is, is the fact he's more worried about the pizza... maybe... I dunno.

Quote: dannyjb1 @ November 29 2009, 12:51 PM GMT

That's a different sketch really isn't it, the joke for me in this as it is, is the fact he's more worried about the pizza... maybe... I dunno.

View original

(AS ROY WALKER) Yer riight! I should have just left the sketch as I had originally imagined it, without the paramedic-policeman exchange at the beginning and the 'like a brother to me' ending. Mind you it probably isn't going anywhere anyway! Cheers Jim and Danny.

_______________________________________________________________________________
EDIT

POLICE ARE ASSMEBLED AROUND A PIZZA BOY WHO IS SPLAYED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD; PARAMEDICS ARE ATTENDING TO HIM; A CROWD HAS GATHERED.

FX: DISTANT SCREAMING.

CUT TO: AERIAL SHOT TAKING IN THE WHOLE STREET; A MAN COMES RUNNING IN FROM A FAR SCREAMING 'NOO'. THE POLICEMAN WALKS TOWARDS THEM; THE SCREAMER GOES RIGHT UP TO THE DELIVERY BOY, STOOPS DOWN AND CRADLES HIS FACE.

SCREAMER
Where's the pizza? Where is it?!

SCREAMER LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE PIZZA; HE PULLS IT TOWARDS HIMSELF, SITS IT ON THE DELIVERY BOY'S CHEST AND TAKES A SLICE. THE PARAMEDIC LOOKS SICKENED BY HIM.

SCREAMER
(WITH MOUTHFUL OF PIZZA) Is he alright?

END OF SKETCH