Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 24

Quote: Gregor Shamsa @ November 25 2009, 5:44 PM GMT

Tam, 40 lashes is a brilliant gag.

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I preferred the 'pokey' version

I liked your 'Bobbies on the Beat' line Gregor, excellent stuff.

More lame puns, witticisms and general tomfoolery:

Scientists have discovered a link between poverty and ugliness. The findings are somewhat controversial, as the test group was just Susan Boyle.

Prestwick airport has been evacuated three times in a month - because workers keep burning toast. The management are livid; it's costing them bread.

Doctors in Dundee have issued a warning about a legal drug. 'Bubbles' is a potential killer, just look what happened to Michael Jackson.

Gordon Brown has urged Europe to go for growth. "This is worrying news," said a mole.

Plans are being considered for a statue of Jock Stein in his home town. Similar tributes are a lot less frequent in Brazil; although Pele did have an erection in 1983.

A shop worker was left red-faced when she called comedian Rowan Atkinson "Mr Pea". The comedian did not take it well - he pulled out a shooter.

Michael Jackson's glove has fetched over 200 grand at an auction. The buyer paid 50 grand for the glove and another 150 to have it removed from a small child.

Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh has urged politicians to tackle Scotland's "cheap bevvy" culture. Gordon Brown has responded by asking Welsh to cut down on superfluous exposition.

New guidelines have been introduced to protect Scotch whisky from inexpensive imitations. A biscuit manufacturer has now shelved plans to introduce a cheap bourbon.

A mum-of-six has hit out after being put on probation for sending indecent pictures of herself to her ex. She said, "It was an honest mistake, I was trying to send them to a Susan Boyle look-alike competition.

A retailer has been accused of charging extortionate sums for Christmas toys as demand outstrips supply. The case has been referred to the monopoly commission.

Cheryl Cole's marriage is no longer in trouble. She's finally flashing her ring.

A drug addict who stole an 86-year-old woman's purse with only a hearing aid inside is evading capture by the police. She can hear them coming from three miles away.

A couple have been caught having sex in a public telephone box, offering a new slant to the phrase, "Give us a bell."

A Scottish academic believes that Jesus may have visited Britain. He was probably just publicising his book.

Thierry Henry considered quitting football after the furore over France's win over Ireland. No-one would have been surprised to see him hand in his notice.

The entrance to one of Scotland's busiest hospitals was closed off after the driver of a double-decker bus collided with a walkway, slicing off the roof. The situation quickly deteriorated when several Celtic players tried to sneak on to the top deck.

A schoolgirl who went to see Beyonce was delighted when the superstar handed her one of her earrings. The girl was partially deaf, so she was pleased with the earring aid.

A doctor forced a holiday flight to make an emergency stop in Athens. The GP was a regular in Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, so he's familiar with swimming in Greece.

Broadband speeds in Inverness are the slowest of any city in Scotland. One local said; "It's frustrating, when the wife's at bingo I like to watch a bit of filth - it took me over an hour to download Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps."

Shortly before their Champion's League match against Rangers, 50 Stuttgart supporters were involved in a disturbance on Glasgow's Subway. They didn't take kindly to the store running out of baguettes.

Susan Boyle has left her luxury mansion because her cat was unhappy. Boyle was following often-heard advice: "Whatever you do, just keep your kitten."

Short Back and Forths:

MAN 1
Did you know that cases of syphilis have reached their highest level in more than 50 years?

MAN 2
Aye, I've heard that some carriers are knowingly infecting people.

MAN 1
That's claptrap.

END

MAN 1
Did you hear that Kris Boyd has grown a moustache in a campaign to promote cancer charities?

MAN 2
Really? Did he raise much money?

MAN 1
No, but smear tests have gone through the roof.

END

Gregor - faves were phone box + rendidtion

Gerry - tops for me were bell + claptrap

Best of Welsh

I'm liking bobbies on the beat, Liverpool violence, forty lashes and Susan Boyle ugly. But that's just a quiet night in for me. If there were a late night version of the show I think we'd all get in.

Some lame attempts from me this week:

Susan Boyle has revealed she was inspired to sing after listening to Scottish television songs. Her next single will be a reworking of Glen Michael's Cartoon Cavalcade.

Professor James Curran of the Scottish Environment Protection Agency this week warned that Scottish flooding is going to increase. We now go over live to Professor Curran in Dumfries.

(Sound of rain in the background) "You see the problem is man made. The global temperature is set to rise by at least 2 degrees in (sound effect) gurgle glug gurgle."

Well we seem to have some technical problems there, let's hope Professor Curran has a rubber ring with him.

Andy Murray has recorded a rap single. Music critics say he is to rap what Andy Murray is to tennis.

Woman: They say only one in ten kids in Scotland is getting enough exercise.

Man: Aye, I can't work that out. See my boy, he goes for a walk at least three times a week.

Woman: Oh that's great. Where does he go?

Man: Down to that chippy on the corner to get the tea.

Interviewer: So Wayne Rooney you bought a £100 000 Range Rover this week. Are you planning to go off-road in it?

Rooney: No, if I stay within the white lines and concentrate I should be safe enough.

Traffic wardens have sparked fury by targeting drivers as they visit relatives in hospital. The hospital has described the situation as critical, but stable.

Wigan players are to give back £40 000 to fans following their performance at Tottenham. In related news, Gordon Brown is to give back £380 000 to the treasury for his performance over the last two years.

Comedian Russell Brand this week risked the ire of his girlfriend by partying at a club called Porn Dwarf. Brand said he just fancied a little bit on the side.

Cons at one of Scotland's toughest jails are risking their lives by giving each other tattoos with handmade needle guns. A spokesman for Shotts jail said: "We're not worried about it - a lot of the prisoners are used to high speed penetration."

A jealous Dundee mum has been quizzed by cops - for allegedly ripping out her lover's testicles. The police said everything was in hand.

Jordan this week dumped her lover, Alex Reid, live on national television. Alex apparently got his knickers in a twist. Well, that's what happens when you wear women's thongs.

Jungle star Kim Woodburn has threatened, sorry, offered to strip for a magazine photoshoot. She has only had one offer so far, from plumbers' trade magazine What Flange?

Chip Shop Boy, 'critical but stable', 'porn dwarf' and the nutcracker all work for me Gazza. Nice one

Lots of good stuff there; KJ's Liverpool gag is the cream of the crop, I reckon.

Here are my useless, pathetic attempts for this week:

Jordan has finally quit the jungle after the public voted for her to do every single bushtucker trial. 'It's a great relief now she's out of the spotlight,' said ex-husband Peter Andre. 'It's cost me a fortune in phone calls.'

Fifty Stuttgart supporters were involved in a disturbance on Glasgow's Subway network before Tuesday night's Champion's League victory over Rangers. The fans were miffed when all branches had run out of 'hearty Italian' bread.

Young people continue to be most likely to get an STI in Scotland, a report has suggested. Of course they are. At my age I need something more comfortable with room for the kids and the dog.

An amazing £7m in parking fines were collected in Edinburgh last year - the highest of any city in the UK apart from London. Both cars have now been released. Neither will return for next year's festival.

New guidelines to protect whisky from foreign imitation are coming into force in Scotland on Monday. 'Foreign counterfeit scotch is a lucrative industry and we aim to clamp down on it hard,' said a spokesman. 'The guidelines will arrive on Monday -- direct from China.'

72% of chlamydia cases are from those aged under 25, despite making up just 13% of the population. Research into the matter has concluded that wrinkles just aren't sexy.

Millions of bank customers have been dealt a blow by a Supreme Court judgement, after it overturned an earlier ruling investigating the repaying of overdraft charges. This is a major concern to the Royal Bank of Scotland, as the overdraft charges it was charging itself was keeping the bank afloat.

The UK's banks should be forced to publicly disclose the number of their employees who earn more than £1m per year, a report has concluded. 'That's ridiculous,' said a Chief Executive. 'I'm not paying yet another employee a million quid just to produce a stupid list.'

Scottish secretary Jim Murphy said the 10-year-old Scottish parliament had been a success, but it was now time to make Scotland more financially accountable. Plans to sell heroin and crack cocaine from branches of HBOS should help.

A haul of Anglo-Saxon treasure recently unearthed in Staffordshire has been valued at £3.285m. It looks like the banks were just as trustworthy back in Anglo-Saxon times, with people burying their wealth even then.

Wild boar have been released into the wild in a bid to aid the regeneration of a part of Caledonia. A local said 'This will really bring the tone of the area back up.'

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ November 26 2009, 12:02 PM GMT

Fifty Stuttgart supporters were involved in a disturbance on Glasgow's Subway network before Tuesday night's Champion's League victory over Rangers. The fans were miffed when all branches had run out of 'hearty Italian' bread.

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That's definitely the pick for me

Yeah, I noticed you did exactly the same joke too! Wonder how many they'll get about that?

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ November 26 2009, 12:09 PM GMT

Yeah, I noticed you did exactly the same joke too! Wonder how many they'll get about that?

Dan

View original

Quite a few I reckon, it was an open goal. (There's a Chris Iwelumo gag in there somewhere)

Once again, some cracking material put forward.
They should run an "after the watershed" Watson's Wind Up - some of the rude jokes are belters.

My 3 efforts are:

Man 1:
I was hearing a man trying to cross from Africa to Europe with a jet-propelled wing strapped to his back ended up in the sea when the jet malfunctioned.

Man 2:
I know things are tight at Ibrox but you'd think they'd have coughed up for Bougherra's air-fare!!

Stoned Guy 1: Hey.. I was hearing The Scottish Government are wanting to introduce a £40 fine for anyone caught with Cannabis on them.
Stoned Guy 2: I wouldnae worry about it man, they will make a right hash of it.

And finally – It has been revealed that a "CIA Torture Plane" landed at Prestwick Airport recently.
This is not the first time a "Torture Plane" has landed at Prestwick Airport – as anyone who has flown on the Ryanair early Monday morning flight from Dublin will testify.

Hello All..This week I sent in:

A Glasgow subway station had to be closed this week after being raided by Germans. They said an informer tipped them off about the tunnel.

Swine Flu is causing disruption at a Scottish jail. Prison officers led by Sir Hugh Pennington have contained the virus in an infected cell.

Sectarianism should be eradicated from the workplace, and that includes the Theatre say actors appearing in Shakespeare's The Timpest

It has been revealed that Prestwick Airport has been evacuated three times because employees were cooking breakfast. Apparently they make toast in X-ray machines to see them through till lunch.

"Please Sir, please Sir, is it true you used to be in prison"
"Don't be ridiculous child"
"Sorry Sir. Please may I go to the toilet?"
"If you must. Here, you can take away my slopping out bucket.

Jeepers. This week looks like it's gonna have some corkers. That is of course if they take from us. Will anyone fess up to agreeing with me that this last weeks seemingly BCG less show was perhaps the weakest yet. I only liked a few of 'em.

Anyways here's a few of mine...

Eco boffins at the BioGas plant in Lanarkshire have found a way to use pig manure to power thousands of homes. See, they might eat nothing but oats and shit in a field but I told you ecologists were intelligent.

Dundee Utd boss Craig Levein may take his players for a mini-break as reward for their defeat of Celtic. However he denied he was rubbing it in when he said it was a Doddle scoring tickets at Lastminute.com

Susan Boyle's debut album 'I dreamed a dream' goes on sale on Monday. The choice of songs is said to reflect her life of austerity and devout religious upbringing, with songs such as 'How great thou art', 'Amazing Grace' and 'Me so horny'

Aberdeen's multi-million Union Square shopping complex had its one millionth customer this week. Jonathon Grant was given vouchers and a free ticket to Aberdeen's next home game, which he promptly put on Ebay. Highest offer so far has been a punch in the face.

Holyrood is to name its Committee rooms after famous Scots. It's already been suggested that Alex Salmond get the 'Expense claiming' room, Tavish Scott receive the 'Time-wasting' lobby and George Burley gets the 'Excuses' meeting hall where Alex Ferguson will add the minutes at the end.

In Aberdeenshire MSP Nicol Stephen has voiced his support for Menie Estate resident Michael Forbes who is trying to block construction of Donald Trump's £1bn golf resort on the Estate. An angry Donald Trump said 'we will not be distracted by the rants of the local village idiot. And I don't care what that Menie Estate resident says either.'

Well done if your material was broadcast this week!

Here's a couple of my gags they 'overlooked':

A pre-match screening of the film Braveheart has been credited with Scotland's first win over Australia for twenty seven years. "It was a painful reminder of the enormous debt we owed the people of Scotland after all the years of suffering," reflected fly-half Matt Giteau on fellow Australian Mel Gibson's performance.

A Strathclyde policeman filmed taking a bag of cannabis from a local drug-dealer and handing over £10 in return has claimed he's innocent. "I know it looks bad but I apprehended Mr Sleeze and found him to have a small quantity of Class-B drugs about his person," Officer Dense explained. "I decided to seize the drugs and impose a £40 on-the-spot fine. I gave Mr Sleeze £10 and he agreed to tear up my £50 cocaine debt."

The connection with this thread? The SCOTTISH Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre are hosting The Sitcom Trials final on Tuesday Dec 1st. This video is a blatant plug. Enjoy, come to the show, and the boys promise not to darken your thread again. For a while.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbLsRd1Met4

I don't think I was in my right mind, these weren't particularly Scottish or up to date by the looks of things. Ooops. Hope some other BCGers got some on.

FLOODING

•The wettest November day on record forced hundreds of people from their homes, but in better news shares in sponges went through the roof.

•There was great embarrassment for the Scottish government this week after Sandi Toksvig was incorrectly called to Aberdeen following suggestion from government officials that dykes might be needed to prevent further flooding.

•Thousands of people fearing flood damage worked through the night to shore up their homes, flood sceptics just called it 'sandbags at dawn'.

•Chris Hoy's preparations for the 2012 Olympics were interrupted by last week's flooding and with further floods predicted he's now considering the triathlon.

SUSAN BOYLE'S FIRST ALBUM

•Susan Boyle's keenly anticipated album came out this week, titled I Dreamed a Dream, yeah, I dreamed a dream once I had four arms and I was strangling all of the X-Factor judges, ahh dreams.

SCOTLAND'S RUGBY SUCCESS

•A spirited Scotland defeated Australia against the odds this weekend, Scotland coach Andy Robinson had to spend the whole pre-match team talk explaining his instruction to 'batter the Wallabies'.

This week's failed efforts. Can't believe I forgot about the flooding though.

The Belgian man who doctors thought was in a coma for twenty three years but was conscious all along has revealed what it was like. He said it was a terrible experience but Herman von Rompuy said that he couldn't wait to get started as EU President.

The inquiry into the Iraq War started this week and its Chairman – Sir John Chilcott – has said that he and his committee will conduct a no holds barred, no stone left unturned, full and frank inquest into finding Tony Blair innocent.

After being voted off X Factor, Jedward have already found another role in showbiz. They're going to be Jordan's new breast implants. They said they were perfectly suited to it as they've already had plenty experience of making themselves looking a right pair of tits.

After receiving massive bailouts from the taxpayer, charging unfair overdraft fees and proposing to charge customers when they withdraw money from a cash machine, banks are to introduce another money making scheme. When a customer goes into their high street bank, a bank teller will point a gun at their head demanding that they 'give us everything you've got!'

Controversial legislation to bring in minimum-pricing for alcohol in Scotland has been blocked by MSPs. The SNP administration believed it to be a good idea to tackle Scotland's problems with drink-fuelled violence. However, Labour withdraw its support when it realised the SNP had come up with the idea when pissed.

Kim Jong-il, the North Korean leader, has banned the World Cup from being shown on TV in his country – unless they win. Alex Salmond said that this sounded like a very good idea and is planning to show the final only if England lose.

The car once owned by Adolf Hitler has been found by an antiques car dealer. The Mercedes convertible has a number of interested parties who want to buy it, including a man who shares Hitler's unhealthy obsession with cars, a dodgy hairstyle and similar right-wing views. His name is Jeremy Clarkson.