Pushing Suicide

A man stands on the edge of a building roof, contemplating jumping.

Another man approaches and stands next to him.

MAN 1
You ain't going to stop me.

MAN 2
I don't want to stop you, I want to push you.

MAN 1
What? You're crazy!

MAN 2
I'm not the one wanting to kill myself!

MAN 1
I don't want you to push me, I want to take my own life.

MAN 2
Look, just let me push you. What's the difference?

MAN 1
If you don't mind, this is a very personal moment. I want to be alone.

MAN 2
I'm going to push you.

MAN 1
I'll jump if you do!

MAN 2
Now look here, you're going to die either way. Just let me fulfill my dream.

MAN 1
No, my dying wishes are to commit suicide. I've spent months contemplating this and I'm not going to let some nutter ruin it for me.

MAN 2
I'm not a nutter, I just have a desire to push you.

MAN 1
Oh, I geddit! This is reverse psychology isn't it?

MAN 2
No, not at all. I just want to push you.

A third man approaches.

MAN 1 (To Man 3)
I am going to jump.

MAN 2 (To Man 3)
And I'm going to push!

MAN 3
Great! Cos' I'd love to watch!

END

EXTENDED EDITION

MAN 2 [TO MAN 3]
Can I push you?

MAN 3
I'm not sure? I'm more of a spectator, you see.

MAN 2
I'll guarantee the best seat in the house.

MAN 1
Hang on, what about me?

MAN 2
I don't think you're going to budge.

MAN 1
Don't give up that easily.

MAN 2
That's rich coming from you.

MAN 3
This is great n all, but can you get on with it?

MAN 2
He's right. Come on, you know jumping isn't the answer. You have more to live for?

MAN 1
Like what?

MAN 2
Me pushing you, for one.

MAN 3
It'll make me happy.

MAN 2
See, that's two things.

MAN 1
Yeah, but isn't pushing me, like murder?

MAN 2
I'll say you jumped.

MAN 3
And an eye witness, right here!

MAN 1
Alright, so, how do you want to do this?

MAN 2
Pretty straight forward, you stand on the edge and [mimes pushing]

MAN 3
And I'll be watching.

MAN 1
OK, ok...

They all get into position and brace themselves.

MAN 1's mobile rings.

MAN 1
Woah! Hang on!
[He answers it]
Hello?
[beat]
What?
[beat]
[To MAN 2 & 3]
There's a man in the street below. He says he wants to catch me.

MAN 1 & 2 & 3 [Shouting down to street]
Piss off!

END

The ending needs something more. I would have the third man appearing shocked and seeming to be attempting to stop them, when in fact he is only trying to delay them while he gets out his camcorder.

There was more, but I deleted because I wanted to keep it simple.

If more people suggest the same thing, Timbo I'll change it.

Cheers!

Does need something extra but I do like the idea of the conflict between 1 and 2. 3 does need to escalate it or take it off at a tangent.

Added more, although I feel it may be a bit too much

Not particularly hilarious but certainly a gripping story!

Thanks for chewing on that Rob.

And welcome to the site

I though it was at least 72% hilarious. Think this could be a winner. Nice idea, definitely going in the right direction. Made me laugh anyway.

I really like this sketch. And I don't think you have gone too far with the extended version. In fact, I'd be tempted to go a bit further, particularly as I'm not so keen on the ending.

I'm going to apologise in advance for this cos it will probably come across as my trying to take over the sketch, but never mind. (You can always ignore it and/or tell me to piss off!)

MAN 1:
There's a man in the street below. He says he wants to catch me.

MAN 3:
Oh no.

MAN 2:
May I speak with him, please?

MAN 1:
Be my guest.
(Hands over the phone)

MAN 2:
(Into phone) Hello there. Would you mind moving out of the way. This gentleman's trying to kill himself. (Beat) He doesn't want catching, no. (Beat) I'll be pushing him.

MAN 3:
And tell him I'll be watching.

MAN 2:
Yes, and there's another gentleman here who rather has his heart set on watching it. (Beat) Well don't you think that's a bit selfish? I mean what you're basically insinuating is that you're catching needs are greater than our suicidal, pushing and watching needs put together.

MAN 1:
What's he saying?

MAN 2:
(To MAN 1) He says he'll settle for catching a medium-sized mammal if we've got one.

To be honest, I should probably stop there before I start thinking about it in terms of a feature length screenplay! lol Though a possible ending could be:

MAN 1 jumps. Pause.

MAN 3: How was that for you?

MAN 2: I've had better. You?

MAN 3: Same.

Quote: scratchyr @ November 25 2009, 3:12 PM GMT

I though it was at least 72% hilarious. Think this could be a winner. Nice idea, definitely going in the right direction. Made me laugh anyway.

View original

72%? The rest is the spaces in between the words I hope?

Quote: Speckled Jim @ November 25 2009, 5:18 PM GMT

I really like this sketch. And I don't think you have gone too far with the extended version. In fact, I'd be tempted to go a bit further, particularly as I'm not so keen on the ending.

I'm going to apologise in advance for this cos it will probably come across as my trying to take over the sketch, but never mind. (You can always ignore it and/or tell me to piss off!)

View original

No, I don't mind. I liked your suggestions, especially the "medium-sized mammal" line.

Cheers

Quote: Leevil @ November 25 2009, 5:32 PM GMT

72%? The rest is the spaces in between the words I hope?

View original

Yep. Some killer line breaks going on there Leevil.

I really liked this. Absurd but very funny. Although how did the man on the street below get MAN 1's phone number?

Acid maaan!

Quote: Martin H @ November 25 2009, 7:26 PM GMT

I really liked this. Absurd but very funny. Although how did the man on the street below get MAN 1's phone number?

View original

You and your "logic"!

Cheers, Martin.

Some nice silly lines.
& I like the way it flows.