Quickly written sketch - inspired by Ellie

Here's a sketch I quickly knocked up using Ellie's word 'sabbatical'.

INT- STUDY - DAY

THE DEAN sits behind a desk in a redbrick uni book-lined study. There's a knock at the door and the PROFESSOR, nerdy and nervy enters.

THE DEAN
Come in Professor Johnston. Take a seat.

The Professor gingerly parks himself on the chair and agonises over how to sit.

THE DEAN
Are you okay?

PROFESSOR
(FLAT MONOTONE)I'm just deciding which will be the best way to sit.

THE DEAN
Piles?

PROFESSOR
No. If I put my left leg over my right, will I cut off more of the blood to my feet or if I sit open legged like thus…

THE DEAN
...you'll be straining your lower back?

PROFFESSOR
Will I be sending out aggressive signals? You'll remember my in-depth paper on body language? So I'll think I sit like so (HE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT WITH HIS HANDS OVER HIS CROTCH)…

THE DEAN
Ah, is that a more submissive gesture?

PROFESSOR
No, I've just realised my flies are open.

THE DEAN
I see. Anyway, Professor this is really what I wanted to see you about. I'm worried about your work in the Department of Pointless Research. When we set up the department we were looking for ways to waste funding on the trivial things in life; why does asparagus make your wee smell, do Ginger people have bad tempers, where do missing socks go, that sort of thing. But you seem to be getting too involved with your research lately.

PROFESSOR
Oh. I've nearly finished the study into why girls won't date super-intelligent men.

THE DEAN
And the conclusion?

PROFESSOR
I'm too boring.

THE DEAN
You see that's what I'm worried about. I suggest you take a break, maybe a sabbatical? You seem to be taking your work too seriously.

PROFESSOR
But I was going to show you the paper on Monday… I found a solution!

THE DEAN
Which is…?

PROFESSOR
Prostitutes.

The Dean rises and walks around her desk.

PROFESSOR
And I have an idea for my next research! Why does my mother hate me.

The Dean sympathetically guides the Professor out of the room.

PROFESSOR
Will I be on full pay during the sabbatical?

THE DEAN
(HUMOURING) Yes Professor, you'll still have money for prostitutes.

ENDS

I like it, especially his problem deciding how to sit. I think there could be funnier alternatives to the pointless research you put but they're quite amusing still. The final line/punch was the strongest part for me. Nice sketch overall, very good considering you just knocked it out quickly!

Cheers, yeah. I was trying to think of pointless, niggly things to put in, sat here with EastEnders in the background and a child asking me to cut up yoghurt pots and couldn't!

Any suggestions anyone?

The relative viscosity of different gravies. The optimum length for a chip. How many people from Essex it actually takes to change a light bulb. I'm sure there are better.

Nice sketch, you seem to be finding your groove.

I loved it; a truly exceptional sketch. Possibly the best I've ever read.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ November 24 2009, 7:52 PM GMT

Any suggestions anyone?

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How many blondes does it take to change an energy-efficient light-bulb?

I liked Mrs.Dagger with this.

Quote: don rushmore @ November 24 2009, 10:13 PM GMT

I loved it; a truly exceptional sketch. Possibly the best I've ever read.

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No need to take the piss Don.

I like it and I think you have somethere here but it lacks a bit of narrarive cohesiveness from me, it jumps from one thing to another probably because you wrote it quickly and as it occured to you. Give the whole thing a central premise and think in three acts. I gues with this you are going for more the surreal absurdist type of sketch like Monty P rather than the heightened reality of Mitchell and Webb?

Fair play for slexing those sketch muscles, which make me think you are probably supposed to be working on something else. I am currently thinking of ideas for a children's book - when I have a load of work I a supposed to be doing on something else.

I do need to write some more sketches for something, and needed some practice. It's also confirmed that I don't write as well in the morning.

Quote: Marc P @ November 25 2009, 8:53 AM GMT

I like it and I think you have somethere here but it lacks a bit of narrarive cohesiveness from me, it jumps from one thing to another probably because you wrote it quickly and as it occured to you. Give the whole thing a central premise and think in three acts.

View original

I did just write it without any planning or thought and I nearly just left it and was going to post it and see if anyone could finish it!

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ November 25 2009, 10:08 AM GMT

I do need to write some more sketches for something, and needed some practice. It's also confirmed that I don't write as well in the morning.

View original

Fair play for slexing those sketch muscles - when I have a load of work I a supposed to be doing on something else.

Or me!

I thought you'd just started on the booze a bit earlier.

I was quite pleased with myself yesterday bought a bottle of Glenfiddich for fifteen quid from Sainsburys complete with tube - got it home and it was a half size bottle. I was going to take it back but fancied a wee nip so had one and put it down to experience.

Tescos were doing champagne for £8 if you spent over £50. I've still to judge the quality of it though.