Common Dine With Me

EXT. JOB CENTRE

A chavvy looking Kev walks out of the job centre and up to the camera, waving a cheque at it.

KEV
Right, I got me giro. Now I'm off t'chippy!

DAVE LAMB (V.O)
Meet our first contestant from Manchester.

CUT TO:

INT. "CHIPPY"

Kev enters the chip shop and is warmly greeted by the cashier.

DAVE LAMB (V.O)
Kev is full time Dad, with 16 rainbow coloured kids and a girlfriend living at home.

KEV
I consider myself a bit of a conifer, when it comes to hosting dinner parties, like. (To Cashier) Yeah, Cod Roe please. (To Camera) Only t'best.

CUT TO:

INT. KEV'S HOUSE

Kev is in his kitchen, getting plates out of the cupboard.

KEV
Here, we're using the fancy plates tonight. Non of that eating out the bag for us.

DAVE LAMB
When Kev isn't being a plate user, father, or a conifer dinner party host. He enjoys...

CUT TO:

EXT. GARDEN

Kev is kicking a burnt out car in the front garden.

DAVE LAMB
Go on, Kev. Show the car who's boss. Hurry up though, Kev. Cos it looks like your first guests are arriving.

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY

The door bell rings to the tune of Dizzy Rascal. Kev opens the door. A fat, greasy looking Cheryl is stood there. She's out of breath.

KEV
Alright, luv?

CHERYL
(Out of breath) Can I smell chips?

KEV
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.

Cheryl waddles in.

CUT TO:

INT. CHERYL'S HOUSE

Cheryl sits on her sofa, surrounded by empty plates and food wrappers. She's gorging on a huge chocolate bar.

DAVE LAMB
This is Cheryl, our second contestant from South Manchester. [beat] She eats...

CUT TO:

INT. KEV'S HOUSE

Kev greets the last two guests. A beer bellied builder, Bob. And Damon, a depressed looking goth teen.

DAVE LAMB
Still to come on, Common Dine With Me. How will the cod roe go down with Cheryl?

CUT TO HER GAGGING.

DAVE LAMB
What has Damon got in store for his guests?

CUT TO A SATANIC RITUAL OF HIM DANCING AROUND THE DINNER TABLE.

DAVE LAMB
And who will win that 1000 Lidl Voucher?

CUT TO IT BEING REVEALED ON A SILVER PLATTER.

CAPTION: 50 MINUTES LATER...

WE SEE THE LEADER BOARD.

DAVE LAMB
Kev has disappointing three points. Cheryl ate her guests points and has a low zero. Demon danced his way into the lead with 10 points, all from Cheryl who took a shine to Damon. Let's see how Bob got on.

KEV
Tonight, I'm going to score Bob ten points.

DAVE LAMB
Kev, must like his Pot Noodles.

CHERLY (heavy breathing)
Tonight, I'm, going, to, give, 10... points.

DAVE LAMB
Wow! Pot Noodles score again!

Demon holds up a zero.

DAVE LAMB
Not a Pot Noodle fan then?

CUT TO:

BOB'S HOUSE

Bob walks in with a silver platter and scroll containing the winner.

BOB
In fourth place... Cheryl.

CHERYL
That's it, I'm comforting eating tonight!

BOB
In third place... Kev!

KEV
Bloody bought Cod Roe as well, never again I tells ya. Never again.

BOB
In second place... Damon.

DAMON
I cast you all to hell!

Damon storms out of the room, crying.

BOB
So that must mean, I'm the winner?

Bob pulls the lid off the silver platter to reveal it to be empty.

BOB
What the bloody hell is going on 'ere?

Kev acts suspicious.

KEV
Oh, no. It's gone!

He legs it out of the room. Bob chases him.

Cheryl lifts her arm up and stares at it. Then takes a big bite out of it.

END

I liked this idea, but can't think how to execute it. Any ideas?

Thanks Lee. I needed a good laugh.

Thanks for reading, Andie. Do you have Come Dine With Me over there?

Quote: Leevil @ November 23 2009, 5:19 PM GMT

Thanks for reading, Andie. Do you have Come Dine With Me over there?

View original

I've seen a few clips on-line. We probably have something similar on one of those pretentious home channels I refuse to watch. It reminded my so much of get-togethers with my ex's family.

This comes accross as mean-spirited stereotyping. Where/what is the joke?

I object to this sketch.

Quote: AndreaLynne @ November 23 2009, 5:21 PM GMT

I've seen a few clips on-line. We probably have something similar on one of those pretentious home channels I refuse to watch. It reminded my so much of get-togethers with my ex's family.

View original

and

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ November 23 2009, 5:22 PM GMT

I object to this sketch.

View original

Are you from Manchester? That was just a random place I picked, honest guv!.

Quote: jim field @ November 23 2009, 5:22 PM GMT

This comes across as mean-spirited stereotyping. Where/what is the joke?

View original

Admittedly the title came before the sketch. It is a bit of a hack-job, but I'm not denying that. Was just wondering if anyone liked the idea and what could be done with it.

Quote: jim field @ November 23 2009, 5:22 PM GMT

This comes accross as mean-spirited stereotyping. Where/what is the joke?

View original

Mean spirited stereotypes always make me smile. Particularly if they are Northerners.

It's a good idea, but I would be cautious about getting too many of the laughs from Dave Lamb's sarky voiceover, as that is what he does anyway. Otherwise the sketch needs a bit of polishing but it is not too far off.

Cheers for the FB, Timbo. Good point about the Dave Lamb thing, was reluctant on that.

I've just thought, it might be better to do my own "original" version of a 'Come Dine With Me', and not a direct imitation. It'll probably give me more room for gags and not worry about replicating every detail.

It's a good idea but you're not mocking the format enough and it feels a bit angry and kinda predictable all the way through.

We get they're a bunch of scratters.

I never intended for it to feel angry. Oh, well

Cheers, soots!

More that the show is so ripe for piss taking you could be onto a winner.

I may do a version with cannibal serial killers.
Dahmer's broiled penis is less of a hit than Ed Gein's daub of Granny.

The show is ripe for mockery, but maybe a better approach would be to use the characters that really do show up every week - the annoying vegetarian, the ambiguously gay professional, the cock-hungry divorcee milf, the wiccan, etc.

Come dine on me?

Come 69 me?

Quote: sootyj @ November 23 2009, 6:50 PM GMT

More that the show is so ripe for piss taking you could be onto a winner.

I may do a version with cannibal serial killers.
Dahmer's broiled penis is less of a hit than Ed Gein's daub of Granny.

View original

Genghis Khan failed to raise top points in a paradoxical-disaster after he ate one of his own dinner guests...