With a nod of recognition in the direction of Messrs Cook and Moore, I give you:
"Bloody Dolly Dagger!"
Scene: A pub. Interior. Night
ROODEYE AND A FRIEND ARE SITTING AT A SMALL TABLE, EACH HOLDING A DRINK
ROODEYE:
So, there I am lying in bed, half-past eleven at night, just about to adopt the foetal position prior to slipping into the arms of Morpheus and that's when I heard it.
FRIEND:
Heard it?
ROODEYE:
Tap! Tap! Tap!
FRIEND:
A tapping sound.
ROODEYE:
Precisely. Tap! Tap! Tap!
FRIEND:
What was it then?
ROODEYE:
I'm very glad you asked . . . "Tap! Tap! Tap!" It went . . . so I turned over very slowly to face the window, from whence the said tapping sound appeared to be emanating
FRIEND:
Yes?
ROODEYE:
And there at the window, peering in at me through the glass . . . was a face.
FRIEND:
No!
ROODEYE:
I swear.
FRIEND:
Who was it?
ROODEYE:
Bloody Dolly Dagger!
FRIEND:
No!
ROODEYE:
We just looked at each other . . . and then I said "What do you want, Dolly Dagger? I'm trying to get some kip here"
FRIEND:
What did she say?
ROODEYE:
Nothing. She just looked at me with a plaintiff expression that seemed to say "Help me. Help me. I think I'm about to fall off this drain pipe".
FRIEND:
Blimey! What did you do?
ROODEYE:
I looked back at her with an expression that seemed to say "It's your own fault. You should never have climbed up the f**ker."
FRIEND:
You had a point.
ROODEYE:
And then she vanished.
FRIEND:
As swiftly and as silently as she appeared.
ROODEYE:
As swiftly, yes. (BEAT) But not quite so silently.
FRIEND:
The drainpipe snapped?
ROODEYE:
Nothing of the sort. She just floated away into the night in her diaphanous nightie, . . .
FRIEND:
Bloody Hell!
ROODEYE:
. . . emitting ghostly ethereal sounds and wiggling her fingers at me as she hovered there in the light of the full moon. It was just like Kate Bush doing 'Wuthering Heights".
FRIEND:
Except, of course, that Kate Bush has got black hair and Dolly's blonde?
ROODEYE (TAKING A SIP OF BEER):
I was just coming to that.
ENDS.
